Trying To Get Close Again

[Kent Rico]

I would like to say right off the bat that my trauma is not associated with military service. I have always felt awkward telling others my diagnosis when there are so many service members that have experienced things I cannot imagine.

A quick summary of my trauma is that my best friend had thrown me a surprise party for my birthday at an abandoned military facility located in a rural area. The party went as planned and we largely dispersed that night except for him and his girlfriend. The next morning (my birthday) some friends and I made are way back in to the bunker looking for them as they had gone missing. We all lost our innocence as we discovered their remains. They had been murdered by two sadists and left mangled deep within the unlit bunker.

I have struggled to cope since this event and have almost completely detached my emotions from my family, close friends and any potential love interest. I feel that I cannot survive with the roller coaster of emotions that emerge when I feel for someone. I experience constant anxiety and fear for them and I am ashamed at how bossy I become when involved in a relationship. I miss the feeling of love but I just don't know how to reconnect with people without dragging me down into misery. As odd as this may sound it actually hurts to love. I just want to know if there are any others in similar situations. The event occured on my 19th birthday and I am now 24. I have taken various medications (Paxil, Xanax, benzos etc.) My own mother has no idea how far this has gone and I refuse to let those I still care about get dragged down with me. I have seen it happen to the families of everyone who was with me that day.

Please if you have any advice or can relate to this please let me know.

Thank you for the consideration.

 

[Finding Shawna]

Hello and welcome. I am so sorry for your the loss of your friends. I think you will find this place very understanding and helpful. I wish you the best on your journey to find peace.

 

[discarded]

Hi Kent and welcome. It really is of no consequence how your PTSD came about and reading what caused it, it is easy to see why PTSD was the result. You seem very caring about your family, are they aware thet you experienced this event? It is completely your choice as to whether you open up to them or not however, being the mother of a 25 year old son, I would want to know and help. Please consider letting your family in. You could show them this site so they that will get a better understanding of what you are going through.

 

[saffy]

Hi Kent Rico

That was a horrific trauma.

PTSD does not need to be a military trauma. Any trauma can cause it and it is personal and individual to the sufferer.

Were you close to your family before?

Your own fear of loss and the trauma might make you want to keep in control.

Taking meds will help mask the inner conflict but the thoughts and feelings are real. Letting your family in to help can only be a good thing. Don't try to deal with this yourself.

We are all here to talk to also. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Kent Rico]

Thank you all very much. Discarded, this is an event that my family does not want to dicuss openly. I have brought it up a handfull of times over the last few years and it is just something that makes them very uncomfortable. Saffy, I love my family very much but we have never been very close. I constantly worried about finding their bodies whenever I came home so I made the decision to move out on my own. I have tried medications but I have adverse physical reactions. I developed serotonin syndrome and became very ill. I have not taken meds since then. It's just frustrating because when I am on my own and have no one to worry about I am completely normal. It is only when I start becoming close to someone that the symptoms become intensified.

Thank you all very very much :)

 

[discarded]

Kent, it is sad that your family don't want to discuss this but it is what it is and it certainly won't help you if that is the case. If being on your own is how you are coping best at this point then that is probably a good idea. However it seems to me that you don't really want to be on your own. I don't really have any suggestions for you on how to try to resolve this one but I hope you can eventually work through this and find happiness with someone without the fear of losing them.

 

[saffy]

I start becoming close to someone that the symptoms become intensified.

Hi Kent Rico

I am not surprised by that at all.

The trauma you have suffered through seeing what you did and in the circumstances it happened will cause you great fear and anxiety for those you are close to and might get close to in the future.

It might be that your parents just do not know what to do. They are not specialists in this and can only try to get you to not worry about things, which is easier to say than do.

If there is anyway you can talk to a trauma therapist I think this would help immensely. They will be trained to guide you in the correct direction so that any fears that you will not be able to protect a loved one or will loose a loved one, or any anxieties you have about the ones you love getting hurt can be dealt with in a positive way to help you move forward.

This is still so raw to you and there has been no closure for you. But there is also no timeline in healing. Although your parents will want you to heal quickly because they love you, only you can heal in your own time when you are ready.

Based on what you have witness of course there are going to be those thoughts in your head, irrational they might seem to others but they are real to you. If it happened once could it happen again? This is a normal reaction I think. One of self preservation of emotions and one of fear for others.

If someone had a bad car crash they would be extremely worried about getting in another one, even if others say it was a million to one chance of it happening again. But it did happen. If that makes sense.

Taking meds will band aid your thoughts but will not make them change the thoughts are still there. I think it is so important to be able to do therapy as well as taking the meds. Or it will be like putting on the bandage but not stitching up the wound.

I understand and we are here for you to talk too. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)