Relationship Trying To Get Your Carer To Understand Your PTSD - A Sufferer's View

[Nicolette]

The post below was written today in another thread in relation to a Sufferer trying to get their significant other to understand their PTSD.

I found this post very touching as, for me, it touched the core point of what I feel is the issue here:

As a Carer we can never truly understand how badly they Sufferer but our Sufferers can help us help them. Just as important, this highlights for me as a Carer,what is also important, that a Sufferer should not be trying to get a Carer to understand their pain but instead how they can help relieve or support the Sufferer and provide them some comfort. This really hit home for me.

Reading this I can't help thinking about an appointment I had a few months ago with my psychatrist. I was trying to express my frustration with not being able to get people to understand how I felt. We ended up having the following chat;

Me: *expresses frustration at not being able to explain how I feel in terms people that haven't suffered similar trauma will understand*
Dr: Can I ask why you feel the need to try to make them understand?
Me: Because I want a connection...
Dr: I would propose that you will never be able to make someone feel the way you do.
Me: Well, I guess. It's all subjective isn't it? I just don't know how to get them to take my pain seriously. They keep laughing it off or trying to suggest that it wasn't all that bad.
Dr: Do you think that by trying to project it onto them it'll help them understand? Do you really want them to feel that pain?
Me: No I don't. I don't want anyone to have to feel like that. I just want them to understand when it's hard for me I guess...
Dr: So you are trying to find a way to communicate with them?
Me: Yes. I think that's it. I want them to understand me. I want them to know when it's all too much. What triggers me and why.
Dr: Do you think making them feel pain is the best way to do that?

After that we embarked on a long discussion similar about how best to communicate my needs with my friends/family/fiance. In much the same way Nicolette wisely mentions above. It was after that I started to realise that my desperation to 'share my pain' was coming from elsewhere - I can't make someone else 'feel' how I feel. It's impossible. We are all limited by our own experiences. What I can do is communicate my needs so that those around me who care can provide me with the support I need. I can find ways of letting them know what I need and when on my good days so that when I send a text or give the signals on a bad day they can be there. Since that started happening I lost a lot of my desire to try and make them feel my pain.

Best of luck on this hard journey.

Original post can be located at [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/15344-How-To-Get-Your-Significant-Other-To-Understand[/DLMURL]

 

[TLight]

Thanks for this Nicolette;

As a sufferer, seems a lot of my life I've attempted to convey to people in my life the extent of sufferering I'm in. Yes, a way to connect. So much of my life has been about this pain, and as unfortunate as that is, it is a fact that a human yearns for connection, and this crap is such a large part of my reality.

As I read the above I had a light bulb come on. Yes, it is more important that I let people know how they can support and help to ease the pain during the hard times than try to make them understand the depth of that pain. They can never comprehend that and I would never wish to inflict that upon anyone. But I can teach them how to help me. Having them 'get it' is really not important, having love and support is an immensely valuable connection that is full of healing instead of returning once again to the original pains.

 

[amethist]

Thank you for posting this here Nicolette, I have read the full thread and it has given me even more understanding of how I can explain how my husband can help me.

It actually made me cry, when I read it, yes defiantly a light bulb moment. I read your list to my husband Nicolette, he said, "That is what we need to do in the future, it makes sense to know in advance and be prepared."

I will never know how he sufferers daily, but can keep the added stress of my issues at a minimum when he is in "Wobbly mode" as he calls them. He just has to let me know, which he say's he will find a way of doing with out adding to my stress.

Amethist

 

[PerfectEmpire]

This is interesting because one of the purposes of planning a school shooting, for me, was to communicate to the world how much pain I was in - to force understanding. That time in my life is one of the most difficult and scariest times to remember.

Since then an ongoing theme in my development has been an overwhelming desire to be understood. I'm glad to read that I'm not the only one who experiences this.

This also brings to mind a concept I periodically encounter in other posts: the desire for revenge. Perhaps the desire for revenge stems from a desire to be understood and validated.

 

[Nicolette]

Interesting PerfectEmpire. Do you have a specific Carer or do you want the whole world to 'understand' your pain?

I guess what you have to realize, which I know isn't fair, (trying to use an analogy) is that what you are wanting would be similar to trying and get a male to understand what it would be like to be raped. Yes some men have been raped, just like others have PTSD, but generally most men would not have been raped or be able to comprehend it and, generally speaking again, don't have the same emotional attachment to 'sex' as the majority of women do. A man may probably never understand how some women would feel dirty and violated by such an act. Some I am sure are empathic but they really would not 'understand' and how could you expect them to as they are genetically wired differently?

The only person who can validate what happened to you is you........no one else can find the acceptance you must find for yourself. Revenge is only taking your hurt and putting it on to others and really, all that does is causes you stress and hurts others (some of who may be innocent - like school students). I can't comprehend how you could feel that making others sufferer what you have would make you feel better. I hope you respect that I am not saying anything personal against you but instead saying I could comprehend you wanting to hurt the person who hurt you but not others.

Wow, again I have just learned about another level of PTSD that I didn't realise and it makes me thankful as a Carer that Anthony doesn't suffer like you do. I am sorry for your pain.

As this is a Carer's thread, to help us understand, what could you think people could reasonably do to help you through your painful process and help you find your validation without you having to resort to revenge? It would be great if you would help us understand what you would need so we can learn please.

Thanks in advance.

 

[emmat]

I had to learn and see for myself that desire to force understanding on people was just plain cruel.

I came to realise that by trying to force my psychological pain onto others - be it emotionally or physically I was walking down that slippery slope towards becoming like the people who abused me. It clicked one day that it was all a communication issue and at the root of it was my desire to be understood. It took me a while, and quite a bit of sobbing to come to terms with the idea that plenty of other people don't know what it's like to walk a mile in my shoes and never will. It was pretty isolating at first, but once the initial depression passed everything became easier to handle. My carer/fiance was brilliant, he gave me hugs, let me cry when I needed to without pressuring me to get over it, when I was frustrated he directed me towards ways I could get the anger out (computer games, books, art) without hurting myself or others and celebrated with me all the little successes as we went along. It wasn't easy, there is no magic wand, just the need for time.

One thing I would suggest - as I know it worked for me is challenging the sufferers behaviour. Gently of course, we're not renowned for being at our most rational at that point in our journey. I found that I reacted very badly if someone out and out accused me of behaving like an abuser, but if someone asked me;

"Why are you trying to hurt me emmat?"
I would reply with either "I don't want to hurt you" or "I'm just trying to make you understand"
Then they would say something like "You realise you just can't make me understand without putting me through the same traumas you suffered - do you really intend to do that?"
I normally am starting to feel pretty sheepish by this point and say "No... I don't want anyone to go through that"
Then it finishes up with them saying something to reasure me, but not something that condones the outburst, such as "I love you very much, but I can't ever really understand how it felt for you. Just know I'm here to support you"
By that point I would normally be sobbing and calming down again and able to start taking stock of my actions.

I find it really important to be encouraged to take ownership of my actions. My carer would admit to being hurt by my words, I would apologise, together we'd explore where it came from, grieve a bit for my losses and then that would be it. I was lucky in that my partner wouldn't lie and tell me 'It's okay, it's the PTSD talking, I'm not bothered about the horrid/ hurtful things you said'. I think if he had then I might well have used it as an excuse or a tool that enabled me to continue behaving badly. We always try to make sure that his hurt is acknowledged as well as mine. In doing that it helps remind me that I need to keep working hard to reign it in, to think before I speak and to learn my triggers/stresses so that we can work around it.

Of course, I don't get angry very easily at all. I have only lashed out during a couple of nasty flashbacks and because of the CPTSD I get very childish when I do get angry and start shouting. I imagine it's a bit easier to cope with your partner calling you a 'smelly pig head' than some of the nastier things us adults can come out with. I don't know how well this tactic would work too well with somebody with out of control rage issues or with a tendency towards physical violent outbursts as they are out of my realms of personal experience.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Interesting PerfectEmpire. Do you have a specific Carer or do you want the whole world to 'understand' your pain?

When I'm in a bad mood it's the whole world. When I'm feeling okay it's just my spouse. Usually I'm somewhere in between!

As this is a Carer's thread, to help us understand, what could you think people could reasonably do to help you through your painful process and help you find your validation without you having to resort to revenge? It would be great if you would help us understand what you would need so we can learn please.

I find that conversation is the most helpful thing. It's nice when a friend can sit and explore the implications with me. I enjoy discussing the sociology of it all.

It only works if I'm not the one doing all of the talking. Then I just feel like a crazy person! But when somebody gets into a good, insightful conversation with me about these things and we both are thinking and learning, I feel most understood. And I love when the person I'm talking to can relate it to something they are familiar with or one of their own experiences (example: "it's like in that movie I saw yesterday..."). Then we end up talking more and exploring more in depth.

My closest friends are the ones who can have the richest conversations with me about virtually anything. We validate each other, it's not just one way. This type of exchange is the most healing thing.

So if you are a carer the best advice I can give you is to make sure that you really connect to what the sufferer is saying in some way. Explain it back to them using your own words, metaphors, or life examples as best as you can. If you can't possibly understand then say so. Never just say "I understand. That sucks. I feel sorry for you." because that contributes nothing! If you actually understand, please demonstrate your understanding by laying it out in words (or some other means of communication). But if you don't understand, don't lie!

Example:

"...and that's the story of how I got tricked into boarding a ship to China."

"Wow. That reminds me of this thought provoking movie I saw last week. You remind me of this one character. In the film he suffered in many of the ways you did. The situation was resolved by (blah blah blah) and the society had flaws similar to our own (and so on). You got tricked in the same way. If we as a society could change (blah blah blah)..."

"Exactly. I guess the writer had a similar experience as I did or perhaps researched the issue. It's nice to know that in the world of art they are exploring this problem. It reminds me of this other movie..." (and so forth, go on discussing similar issues ect.)

VERSUS

"...and that's the story of how I got tricked into boarding a ship to China."

"Wow. I understand. That sucks."

It might sound crazy and other members might not like that approach, but it's my favorite. It doesn't have to be a movie, it can be your own story, friend's stories, books, articles ect. Just finding something outside of the sufferer to relate their experience to can be very validating. But nothing beats contributing your own introspection.

And remember to take a step back and not take everything personally. In most cases, your significant other does not want to harm you. They just want to be understood - PTSD sufferer or not. I often remind myself "he doesn't want to hurt me, he's just trying to communicate something" and that helps me come up with the questions that I need to ask. Sometimes the only question you can think of is "why are you doing this?!" Like the conversation below:

"Why are you trying to hurt me emmat?"
I would reply with either "I don't want to hurt you" or "I'm just trying to make you understand"
Then they would say something like "You realise you just can't make me understand without putting me through the same traumas you suffered - do you really intend to do that?"
I normally am starting to feel pretty sheepish by this point and say "No... I don't want anyone to go through that"
Then it finishes up with them saying something to reasure me, but not something that condones the outburst, such as "I love you very much, but I can't ever really understand how it felt for you. Just know I'm here to support you"
By that point I would normally be sobbing and calming down again and able to start taking stock of my actions.

That looks like a really healthy conversation. It could have gone way different!

Typical for inexperienced or impatient couple:

"What are you doing?!"
"I'm just trying to make you understand"
"Understand WHAT?!"
(sufferer is now too triggered or hurt to say anything coherent)
Then it finishes up with them saying something hurtful or mean, leaving the sufferer feeling suicidal or completely isolated. Nobody wins.

Clarity is key. By remaining calm and curious, clarity can be obtained and both parties win, as in emmat's convo. My therapist says to remember the "C" words for getting through any tough situation and calm, curious, and clarity all start with C.

Bottom Line: The more people I feel like understand, the more people I feel like I have on my side. If I feel like my side outnumbers the side of my abusers, then revenge is no longer an issue because I feel secure. This is why it's important for me to spend lots of time around close friends - it makes me feel more secure. But if I go too long without socializing with them, I start to go off into the deep end again. Relationships are important.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure if somewhere along the line I also felt the ways described above, but after 25+ years of knowing how I feel and react, I have not cared whether or not anyone understands how I feel; it has been more progress to me to understand why I feel that way.

I would be horrified for another to feel the way I do (yet I know others do, and a lot worse).

What concerns me, is that because it is so difficult to explain- any or all of it- is that it will be misinterpreted and internalized by others as a reflection on them in some way and not myself. That being said it is a good warning to myself to be more aware of my own reactions and behaviour. And to at least try to communicate more effectively, and apologize when necessary/ be responsible.

If anything, it's hard to know where the PTSD begins and I end, that makes it harder to know to what extent I am responsible and what is just out right not acceptable from another's behalf/ actions.

I think that the biggest gift a person like myself could receive is not necessarily being 'understood' (which is a great concept, of course), but the acceptance and what-seems-impossible validation of myself 'as I am', PTSD or not.

I'd rather have someone be able to laugh with me (even if it's about PTSD), than for me to be the cause of sadness/ sorrow.