Trying To Let Go Of The Guilt....Having A Hard Time....Re...Moving In With My Mom!

[pandora]

As many of you know my Mother and I purchased a house together! She paid the down payment but I will be paying the mortgage and I told her if I ever get a lump sum of money ( am in the middle of taking my ex back to court and they go back three years...also have applied for benefits...through the national benefit authority and they said, I could receive quite a bit of money) Then I would give her some towards the money she took out of her account as the down payment. I just feel bad as we are in a bunbalow (not a raised bungalow) she is in the basement, though clean and dry...has a bathroom..laundry room and kitchen... still feel bad that she is in the recroom, her bedroom, now an office will be converted....it needs work in her area. (We do have someone that can help) I just have an overwhelming guilt that this 67 year old woman is in the basement. I have told her how I feel and she told me not to worry! She is ok with it and she is so excited to have a fenced back yard and garage...I just am having a hard time with...I think it is guilt that she used her car accident money as a downpayment. She did receive a good settlement so she is far from being broke. I just feel bad......There is not enough room for my son and I to go down there or I would. What can I say to myself to make me feel better? Actually...I want to hear what everyone else has to say.....

 

[TLight]

I had a friend say to me one time. "Guilt is a useless emotion." Also, ask yourself, have you purposely done anything malecious or hurtful? Then how could you possibly be guilty of anything.

Sounds like your Mom is OK with this. If she isn't and just pacifying you, then you two should have a heart to heart. If she's being passive agressive.....well, that could be bad......but that's my Mom. I don't know yours.

 

[Deleted member 541]

As a mother, I will say this. At my age, I would have done the same thing. I too would have taken the basement with no problem.

This is a gift to you and your son. Your mom knows this Pand. She knows that at her age, she is doing this for you and your son to have a secure future, and a safe place to live in.

Her needs are probably similar to mine. Some place small, quiet, just enough space to put my stuff. A place to feel secure, and someplace close to family. i just don't have the latter part.

Accept this, make her feel special, and loved. I'm sure that's all she would want in return.....It's all I would want.

 

[pandora]

Thank you for the comments guys...on the phone with my Mom and she does sound more excited than ever...so I NEED to stop worrying and just take it one day at a time...right?????

 

[pandora]

I just remembered something I wrote a lng time ago that I heard, I think on Dr. Phil...guilt implies intent.... well i have no intention of anything other than to live in a secure and safe home...My mother will eventually need me more (that is something..I just feel) and this home provides us with everything we need...ex..whellchair access and ramp on the stairs, I guess...thinking positive would be..it was meant to be. I feel...guilty..hmmmm....that implies intent. I guess I really do not know how I feel and how to put it in to words...other than it is a dream come true...because I NEVER thought my mother and I would be this close again, ever! it is a good thing...it is hard to wrap around my brain still though. She has been an abuser but I really think she could not cope with life...I understand that now being the mother of a teenager with problems. The difference..I will never give up on him. She gave up on me but the present is really a dream come true! She has enabled me to secure a future for my son...i had to create my own future......BUT his disabilities make this a bit harder. This decision will benefit my son and i in so many ways and I really am truly grateful!

 

[TLight]

Pand.........
I'm so glad you and your Mom have come to terms with the past and are able to have a relationship.
Yes, parenting a teen is incredably hard. I was a private tutor for many years and I saw first hand as an adult what parents go through. For you to be able to recognize the difficulties she had is truly mature and compassionate. I'm sure she has a ton of regrets with how she handled things.

For her to be 'in house' and be able to help you with your son gives me a warm feeling of the circle becoming complete, with your Mom really making some amends to you in a very caring way.

I wish it had been different with my Mom. I wasn't the perfect teenager, but I was also a perfectionist at school.......but then, in the last year I was there began acting out by running away, talking back to my Dad..........but, of course, I was a powder keg ready to blow from what was being done to me and what I'd witnessed over the years.

To form a different relationship with you Mom is a healing thing. Perhaps you two can talk someday about the abuse and you can get even more closure.

You've done an incredable job for such a beautiful and talented young lady. Your son is a lucky young man.

 

[pandora]

Thank you for your kind words Tlight...I really feel good that our relationship has really come full circle. What she did not provide for me as a teenager she is helping with now and that ensures stability for my son and his interest is on both of our minds as he will always need help and supervision. I think everything is going to work out ok....5 more DAYS! Then we have two handymen helping us and the official move in dates are the 10th for me and the 11th for my Mom.....It will be so nice to move into a place that is all painted with new floor and carpets and clean!!!! I am so excited!!!

 

[pandora]

I just pray that my mother is going to be ok in the basement!!!!!If it was big enough for my son and I, I would go down there but it is only big enough for one....

 

[Marlene]

Pandora,

Your mother says she's ok with it, then she's ok with it. Maybe she's also excited about having you and your son living so close (but also everyone has their own space) in addition to the yard, etc.

As long as the 'I'm ok with staying downstairs' doesn't come with the big sigh, and the giant dose of guilt aimed at you, then I wouldn't worry. Besides, who says you have to call it the basement? Make a name for it or use one of the many names that have been thought up through the years for the extra room downstairs. Put up a sign on the door that says 'Over the river and through the woods...'. She might get a laugh out of it. (For those that don't know that song, it goes 'Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go...'.)

Relax and enjoy what you've fought so hard to get.

Lisa

 

[pandora]

Thanmx everyone...and that comment made me laugh...way too cute, Marlene!!! She, my mother is not negative in the least. I have not seen her this excoted in a long time and it is nice to see her buy all new furniture and flooring and carpeting. she does seem happy....and she does keep saying I love this little bungalow. i told her I was worried and she told me not to...so it is just me overworrying and overanalyzing. She did put down the downpayment..I will be paying the mortgage. I just want it to feel comfortable for all of us!