Trying To Make Decisions

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Over the last few weeks, I have been spiraling downward. I keep trying to push through, but I am starting to figure out that I can't keep going at this pace. I am trying to figure out what the best next steps are. I so wish there was a road map that could point me in the right direction. Decision making is not easy because I have a huge issue with right and wrong. Usually once I have figured out what's right versus what's wrong, I can make the decision and stick to it. Right now I don't know what is right and what is wrong.

I have been struggling with the effects of PTSD and opening up the past since last June. I thought I had hit rock bottom (or the closest I would get) in October on the anniversary of the accident. But since then, I have been uncovering the past and realizing that while the accident is a huge trauma, it's not the only one that I will have to deal with. So for the last few months I have been struggling with coping with the accident, the past, and every day life- work, family, etc.

I can tell that it's getting to be too much and there won't be much of me left if I keep going along as if everything is fine. Everything is not fine. I can finally admit that, but now I need to figure out what to do. Some paths I am considering are: continuing along with therapy (twice weekly) as I have and hope that continues to be enough, continuing with therapy but changing one session to a group session, finding a trauma specific program to go to, going to the hospital, or taking medication along with the therapy.

I have resisted medication and hospitals to this point. I have severe panic attacks whenever I attempt to talk about medication. I have a feeling it will kill me and this feeling feels different than my usual fears. I know that hospitals are big on medication so I am not naive enough to think I can avoid the medication issue by going there. I just don't know the right path and I know no one but me can figure it out. I am wondering if others have experiences that they would like to share that might help me in my quest.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hi @JEKBreatheandBelieve yes, I have a story to share and possibly advice to share as well. Please be patient with me. I want to structure my narrative in the most helpful way possible, and phrase everything in terms relevant to help you. Also, I prefer to share my story in a private message to you, so it doesn't trigger anyone or need to be moved to another forum or something.

I will write my first message to you as a timeline of events, with only a general description of each event, to give a quick birds eye view and not overwhelm you with the details. You can ask for more detail about the parts you find most relevant. In the meantime, I will write a second message to you that focuses on your questions about realizing you have more to deal with than you thought, and what to do about that, and your fears about medication (I also worry medication could kill me, based on prior experience, as you will soon hear).

For now, rest assured that you are probably handling things really well already. You may feel you are falling apart or overwhelmed, but keep in mind that you turned here for help, and you are in therapy, and you are wisely critical of possible treatment options as you decide what might suit you best. Take your time thinking this through, Be patient with yourself. Trust your judgement.

Having really intense reactions or recovering new traumatic memories could mean that you are growing more tolerant to your condition, and your brain can take on a bigger challenge. "Stronger the wind, stronger the tree" kind of deal in my non-expert opinion. So try to feel empowered and optimistic about that.

 

[ghotiff]

Some paths I am considering are: continuing along with therapy (twice weekly) as I have and hope that continues to be enough, continuing with therapy but changing one session to a group session, finding a trauma specific program to go to, going to the hospital, or taking medication along with the therapy

Its a really positive thing that you are aware that things aren't working the way they are now, and that you are looking to find what will work best for you. Congratulations on that. Below are my thoughts in case they help you in exploring your options.

I changed therapists and was really glad I did. After stopping my sessions with my first T, I started to realise that they were not just 'not helping' but were causing me huge problems and making everything worse (mainly due to going too fast). To find my current therapist I searched for a PTSD qualified therapist and made it clear that while I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD (and that a diagnosis wasn't important to me), I wanted to be treated from a PTSD viewpoint. My new T is great.

I am now looking at medication as an option to help me get through therapy. The idea makes me nervous but I think I need to look into it more before making any decisions. In my thread on this question, it helped me that people share some positive experiences from medication.

I looked into in-stay treatment options and in summary there were no options available that would have worked for me. The options were very limited and I know myself and didn't want to be in a group with all different issues coming from all different problems.

Regarding hospitals, I'm not sure what 'hospitals' can do. From other peoples threads its seems that hospitals are great for keeping you alive when you are suicidal (if this is what you need, then please reach out to a hospital), but hospitals don't seem to help with much more than that. I've never reached out to a hospital, so I could be very wrong with the above.

You write that you see someone twice a week. Some people find it better to have larger gaps between sessions (my first T put me on 6 weekly appointments towards the end). This isn't the right option for me, but it is for some and maybe it is for you. Just something to consider.

Hope that helps.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

You write that you see someone twice a week. Some people find it better to have larger gaps between sessions (my first T put me on 6 weekly appointments towards the end). This isn't the right option for me, but it is for some and maybe it is for you. Just something to consider.

I have experimented with longer gaps between therapy, but for me the twice a week works best with some one time only weeks here and there. Most of the time if I don't have that support, I fall apart even more so than usual. My therapist deals with trauma and dissociative disorders so I feel comfortable with her. I just don't know if there is more I should be doing and that's why I am struggling to figure it all out.

I read your post on medication before and I found that some of your thoughts were similar to mind. I like being able to come on here and see that I am not alone. Thanks for replying.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Ah, I find that once every other week is good for me, but sometimes I have to call for an extra session in between. My therapist is where I go to college, but I am not there this summer, so lately, you guys are the best help available! Maybe someone has ideas for how they make it through those gaps between sessions? I would be curious to hear this as well.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Hi @JEKBreatheandBelieve For now, rest assured that you are probably handling things really well already. You may feel you are falling apart or overwhelmed, but keep in mind that you turned here for help, and you are in therapy, and you are wisely critical of possible treatment options as you decide what might suit you best. Take your time thinking this through, Be patient with yourself. Trust your judgement.

Thank you. When I read this paragraph, I felt an immediate sense of relief. Sometimes the hardest part of this journey is the feeling that I am all alone and the second-guessing of myself that comes with that. Once you have sent me both of your private messages, I will respond to those as well, but I wanted to say thank you for this message.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

OK...my private conversation came out kinda long. I split that second post into two, so there are really three posts. You seem like you really have a lot on your mind, and I tried to give you everything I've found that helped me. I tried to structure each post as a numbered list. You should only read what is helpful and skip the stuff that doesn't help. Take your time. I do hope it helps.