Sexual Assault Trying to make sense of it all

[sun123]

Hello,

I've just joined the forum and I am not very good at sharing stuff always try to work things out on my own but this I can't and still feel part to blame for not protecting myself more! It happened at a family gathering, we stayed at a family members pub so it did involve us all drinking a lot but at the end of the night it was just family there so obviously felt safe even if after drinking way too many G&T's. My dad didn't drink too much so he made sure that I got to my bedroom ok and then headed home. Then my uncle came into my room and started chatting, I hadn't seen him in years and was very close to him growing up. I've had a few tough years and told him about it, started crying cause I had been drinking then he gave me a hug and I was thinking so nice he's really caring but then he tried to kiss me and I told him no this so wrong on every level and kept moving my head away to not let him so instead he started kissing my neck and before I know it he started trying to have sex with me but I didn't let him kept pushing it away. Then I have a blank memory so must have fallen asleep and woke up probably a couple hours later got up to get my phone but it was still early morning so didn't know where I could go and also was thinking maybe it was my fault and I lead him on by letting him hug me and also felt a freak as it's a family member and embarrassed to say that I had a few very intense orgasm but my big regret was I lied down in the bed and before I know it he was touching me again and felt I had left my body and looking down at what was happening and then something clicked in my head and pushed him, got my stuff and left the room. The problem is I'm feeling so guilty and ashamed for not leaving as soon as I woke up and can't get passed this.

A week later I wasn't doing so well so told my boyfriend and he was great and I went to see a therapist so she is good and she explained a lot to me but unable to tell her everything, my guilt and shame, feeling stupid as to why I did not leave the room in the early morning and instead let him do things to me is eating me up, the only thing I can think of is the shock and I wasn't thinking clearly so I just really need some advice on what you guys think? Thank you.

 

[RecoveryGuy]

It sounds like you are having a normal response to a very abnormal unhealthy situation. Try to be gentle with yourself. You did not contribute to this at all. I hope you can continue to talk to your therapist and bf. You did not deserve this.

 

[sun123]

Thank you so much RecoveryGuy, your words has really helped me. Much appreciated.

 

[Wonder Woman]

None, and I repeat none, of what happened was your fault, not in the least. (I know it is very difficult to accept this truth; I still struggle with it at times).

You did your absolute best to manage a completely unimaginable situation. As you said yourself... He is your uncle. Hello, who would ever think her uncle would try to kiss her, let alone rape her. In the moment, your mind was completely unprepared for this violence. Unfortunately, your uncle probably planned-out how he was going to attack you.

Next, there is no shame in the physiological response your body had. It was out of your control. This is not evidence that you liked it or wanted it, just in case you're wondering.
Nobody knows how we will behave in a traumatic situation. Your mind and body reacted in a fashion designed to keep you safe and alive. You laid back down, because your body was attempting to recover from the first attack.

As soon as you were able, you told your boyfriend and sought help. Please see the strength in what you have done, and fully appreciate all that you endured at the hands of someone you should have been able to trust. The shame is your uncle's, not yours.

I pray that therapy will help you, and I hope that you will come to understand sooner, rather than later, that you did absolutely nothing wrong. Please, please, please be kind to yourself.