Trying To Make Sense Of My Life... Again

[artemisberry]

Its 2 am where I am and my head has been whirring since going to my CBT on Tuesday.. I have wondered if I have been PTSD for a few years but then thought well I don't have nightmares or haven't a long time (not that I have nice dreams, but not what I would call nightmares), and not thought that the experiences I have were flashbacks.. but after Tuesday my CBT man identifies a couple of incidents I shared as flashbacks I feel some light has been shed and wondering if I have been having lots and lots of flashbacks I don't know... maybe I just need write symptoms/things I struggle with

• Chronic self doubt - i have two realities as described with CBT counsellor Reality A: which in a nutshell is that everything is my fault, the things that happened were not big deal and my fault anyway, I'm crazy there is something wrong with me etc.. Reality B: which I started to discover 10 years ago on and off is that its wasn't all my faults, that my parents abused and neglected, and that I experienced numerous sexual assaults, (my mum blamed me, or ignored and totally minimised stuff) that were not my fault. (both reality thoughts are much complicated than that, but that's its simplified, i skip in out of these realities..although getting better recently at staying in reality B.
• I have experienced the majority my relationships even the very early stages as terrifying, getting stuck in the most intense fear, panicky feeling and anxiety, not feeling safe, feeling soo small, vulnerable, powerless, desperate, trying to run away and then running back in a desperate state and not understanding why I cant get out of the fear or despair. I believe now that some of these relationships were emotionally abusive, most I wasn't in for long because of the fear factor, but was incredibly difficult to leave.
• I have mostly felt detached/numb emotionally from abuse events but when things have 'triggered' them, ie the last relationship I was in, in which he became abusive, I was very much thrown back to feeling quite terrified, small, like a victim, powerless, strong feelings of panic that I am 'easy to abuse', unable to switch off the fear whether in their presence or not once its starts. What i have called 'the churning'.
• although I now think these relationships have been abusive, it still doesn't quite ad up to my emotional responses??
• I do think I'm am getting clearer sometimes and in a recovery process, but still very confused and anxious easily, i've only had about 4 or 5 sessions with CBT but actually feels productive.
• I kind of think there must be PTSD In there due to the sexual abuse, many of the rapes/abuse that happened I was very drunk, and pretty void fear, just shame and self disgust.

This weekend I have found difficult since there has been allegations of more UK celebrities abusing children in the news, its also very sick, corrupt and disturbing, and its been making quite anxious, agitated and stuck in repetitive thoughts, so cant switch my head off, hence writing here I suppose I'm trying to understand my PTSD if that's part of what's been going on for me and trying reach out and make a sense of my life

Thanks for reading any thoughts would be apprecited

 

[joeylittle]

Hi, and welcome to the forums.

I think my first question is really simple - and I can't quite tell from your post - have you been given a PTSD diagnosis ? Often treatments overlap, so in some ways it doesn't matter (CBT is used for lots of things, for example). But whether or not you've been diagnosed can help.

 

[artemisberry]

Thanks Joeylittle, Yes the CBT T i'm working with is saying I have PTSD or complex CPTSD (although I gather that's quite controversial).

 

[RussH]

A: which in a nutshell is that everything is my fault, the things that happened were not big deal and my fault anyway,

First I am sorry for how you are suffering.
So often when our trauma is some kind of abuse, be it: physical, mental phychological, or emotional, we tend to blame ourselves. We figure it is our fault; we must have done something, or been some way that deserved the abuse.
The truth is we are a vicitim. It is not our fault. It is the fault of our abusers, we just pay the price with our suffering.

The way you are feeling in your relationships is fear. it is a lack of feeling safe. I also think the undo feelings you are having could very wll be flashback orientated. Your mind is taking the present relationship as a trigger for past abusive relationships. This is only a guess, but it is what it sounds like to me.

I do understand the feelings of being small, easy to abuse, being vunerable and all of that because I experience those feelings myself.

 

[artemisberry]

Thanks RussH, Im just a bit confused at the moment and a bit stuck in my head, I sometimes feel like my life is one big muddled jigsaw puzzle that i keep trying to make sense off,, bits of it come together but bits are missing and put together wrong, Im not sure if the forum is making me feel more confused anxious! going to try and do productive stuff today and try and get back in my body a bit.... thanks