Trying To Stop Yourself Breathing During Childhood

[rainy_daze]

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and I have been wanting to post it. It's a difficult post for me; I don't write a lot about my past on here as I don't always feel safe enough to share. However, I receive a great deal of support and understanding from people on here. So, here goes, I hope you all don't think I'm strange after reading it:

When I was around 9 years old I used to try and drown myself in the bath. I would hold my breath under the water and I was trying so hard to stop breathing. I am estimating what age I was, because I don’t remember this starting and I don’t remember deciding to stop trying to drown myself. I can remember times of gasping for air, and the strongest memory I have of it is hearing a sibling knocking on the bathroom door and asking me if I was okay, while I was spluttering and coughing from swallowing water.

I used to have this recurring nightmare for a few years as a child also, from about 7 years old, that was also related to drowning. I love the water and swimming, so it’s not a fear from that. The nightmare would be so bad that often I’d be screaming out loud and in floods of tears, and my mother would come through to my bedroom to comfort me and try to wake me up. I think if it wasn’t for her, and I was trapped with evil biological father guy, I would have managed to successfully drown myself in some other way. I’m lucky that I have one parent who loves me, I know some people don’t have that. I think if she had died or for some reason I had to live with evil biological father guy, I would be dead. I’m thankful that I escaped from him, even if it took me getting into adulthood to finally do it.

I had said to the T that between the age of 8 and 9 I remember nothing that was significant, and so there is a gap on the timeline that she asked me to do at the beginning of therapy. The gap on my timeline bothers me. Remembering that I tried to drown myself as a child, bothers me. Being unable to tell my T this because I find her frustrating and she keeps cancelling whenever I’m about to talk to her directly about this and memories from around this time in my life (it seems), bothers me. The bath stuff is on my timeline, but I haven’t discussed it with her. It's likely I won't be able to, given that there aren't many sessions left and I struggle to vocalise these things.

Lots of memories flood through my head like a big web that is all related somehow and yet I feel like I never truly understand why I keep remembering. What purpose do these memories have for me? They feed into feeling depressed, and I don’t want that.

Maybe I mildly brain damaged myself by cutting off oxygen to my body so often? I feel so stupid writing that, but honestly, I feel like it's a possibility.

I guess I’m just very bothered by the past right now. I think discussing this on here might help me sort some of that childhood stuff out. I’m not dwelling on it, because I survived, here I am, but I think I have a longing to understand my past so I can firmly put it behind me. I also wondered if the trying to die, or suffocate, or stop breathing completely, or escape was something other sufferers (of abuse during childhood) may remember doing when they were younger.

I appreciate any responses, even if to say that you never experienced anything like that.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

First off - I'm not an expert, so please take whatever I say with a grain of salt. I find that my thoughts are most troublesome right after a session. Things start intruding when they shouldn't be and I have to take a deep breath and try to stay grounded. I resolve to bring it up at next session - then the next session starts and I just want her to say I'm good, I'm healthy and so I do not discuss anything of worth and try to get out of there in one piece.

As far as the self drowning - I've never done that but my dissociations often include self punishment and the notion that it would feel good to feel pain - I think it's because I'm constantly clamping down on my emotions, trying to come off as the calm one. Also because I have a habit of self punishing (self deprecating and low self esteem)

Not saying your experiences are the same but hoping you'll see you're not alone.

 

[AngrySky]

I did that as a child. Mine was just because if I could just quietly drift away I wouldnt be a problem anymore or hurt anymore. I always thought just letting yout lungs fill up and then it would be over quickly and you would drift away. I have no idea when I stopped either but I was around the same age.

 

[rainy_daze]

Thank you both for replying so quickly and for your honesty.

I wrote this after a session, because I had meant to talk to the T about this and these two other memories which relate to that period of time, but instead I spent the whole session talking about something else. I was supposed to go to the next session prepared to talk about these things, with an object of some kind to help me talk about it - I had a photograph ready to take with me - but then she cancelled. The next session came around and I cancelled because I'm unwell. I sometimes find it difficult to talk about any sort of trauma, because I'm worried about confidentiality (I don't like the idea that she might write something down that I've said) and it takes a lot out of me to be ready to talk only for her to cancel. I think it's easier for me to post about it here, that way I'm still trying to sort it out in my head.

TD2TD, can you explain what you mean when you say

my dissociations

? I was diagnosed with PTSD many years ago, but it is only in the last year I found out I dissociate. Not to the same degree as others on here, I scored quite highly but I don't have a disorder from that. Now that I'm aware of it, it explains a lot though. I "tune out" a lot. I lose time. I'm just confused by what you mean. I think I self-punish myself when I'm aware I'm doing it (my T described this as self abuse), as opposed to it being something I do when I'm not in the here and now.

@AngrySky , I'm so relieved someone else has done this, although obviously I'm not happy for you. It just feels better to know I'm not the only one who has had these feelings result in that behaviour during childhood. It's hard to know what I was feeling, other than "If I could just stop breathing", that's all I can think. It's like a desire to escape, or not exist, or to just stop. It's interesting that it was happening for you at around the same age as me. If you don't mind answering (you don't have to), have you spoken to anyone about this as part of therapy? I'm sending you healing vibes through the internet.

 

[anonymous]

I did this, too. To me, it wasn't about killing myself; I was aware it wouldn't work (maybe because it just wouldn't, maybe because I felt I didn't REALLY want to). Looking back, I think it was more like giving death a chance to get me. Giving myself a chance to die if I was to die. I wanted to be gone. I enjoyed holding my breath and be under water. This could have gone on for years and years.

I think in a way it has changed but isn't gone. When I have to have surgery, i.e. anaesthesia, I enjoy it. I go and leave letters at home just in case... actually hoping I won't come back. When they prepare everything and I'm being wheeled in, I do exactly what I did back then when holding my breath. When they put the needle into my arm, I am flooded by hope and the longing of drifting away while in anaesthesia. Waking up after surgery is a huge disappointment and incredibly emotionally painful every time.

 

[Flyaway]

I understand. When I behaved in similar ways, I was desperate to escape the overwhelming hurt I felt from being sexually abused.

I have mild brain damage from the abuse I endured growing up. I found out when I went to see a functional neurologist. It was so comforting to finally understand what was going on with me! The brain damage shows itself in the form of a mild dyspraxia... Verbal, and physical. My brain doesn't send the right signals to my mouth and my words end up just sounding confused - even though my brain understands and has an intelligent answer for most things. I am also unco... Again my brain tries to tell my body what it needs to do, and my body keeps doing the wrong things- occasionally I will randomly drag my foot scraping my toes, and as much as I love to dance my brain isn't consistent in telling my body what to do.

There are exercises that functional neurologists can teach you to help heal your brain... It can be a bit expensive though.
It's worth looking into though :happy:

 

[NovemberStar]

Wow - I did that too, about the same age. I have never had anyone else say they did that too - wow. I too wanted to die. I thought it would work. I just put my head under the water and held my breath and I thought I would just not come back up again.

When it didn't work I was so very depressed. I remember gettin out of the bath and standing on the edge if it so very very depressed - there was no way out now.

I didn't know any other way to end my life. Didn't have google back then. Pretty sure I would have tried other ways if only I'd been old enough or aware enough of them.

You're not alone in this!

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

The incidents I remember from childhood involve waking up in the middle of the night and then, literally, separating from reality - viewing myself as another person. I don't remember where I went to or what was happening at all. I only remember feeling like everything else was huge in comparison to myself and time had slowed to a crawl.

Later it became visual imagery of some sort of painful experience, like cutting my own skin with a knife. Never actually did it, only imagined the sensation. Hours could pass in that state.

The one time I tried suicide was at the age of 12 while in foster care. Took an entire bottle of aspirin and then went to school. Lied my butt off about why I was so spacey and emotional but otherwise, it didn't cause any real damage and didn't seek medical help.

This is the only place I have ever discussed dissociating - always thought I would take it the secret to my grave

 

[AngrySky]

@Daze - I didn't think of that at all until now. So no, I haven't told anyone. I remember it was more just not wanting be around anymore. I wouldn't cause all of the fighting, I wouldn't be punished etc for being "bad", he wouldn't "love" me that way. I wouldn't just be here. I wsa thinking of that moment of just drifting. I do the same with suicidal thoughts now. Just the drifting away from awareness and how wonderful it would be to just drift.. I think of the same with slitting my wrists in the tub and watching the water just take my cares away.
I am not suicidal by any means. I dnt want t die I just want the confusion and pain to go away. Make sense?

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Perfectly! For me, the discovery process and putting a name to it has helped to ground me a bit more.

 

[eav]

I did this, too, probably at about the same age. Not in the bathtub, but in church. I would sit and think about how I would never be good enough to make it to the fundamentalist version of heaven that I was hearing the misogynist preachers talk about. I would just sit and hold my breath until I almost passed out. Thought there really wasn't any point in life. I didn't think of myself as abused back then--no real bruises to show for it, lots of kids had it worse I'm sure. I just thought that it would be good to just disappear. I never knew what dissociation was until just the last month or so--but I've been doing it all of my life.

Dissociation has gotten bad in the last few months--I lose track of where I am, and of time. I've had to use my cell phone to find my way home several times, when I can remember that I have the cell phone and that I need to use it. I'm never out of my body, I don't think, the therapist keeps asking. I don't see myself, I just drift back, things start to move around me. I get lost. It can be very scary.

 

[Chincho]

I appreciate any responses, even if to say that you never experienced anything like that.

I read this thread yesterday and it hit me so bad it took me a whole day to answer.

I have huge gaps in what I remember from my childhood. I had forgotten, but I used to do this too! I would try to drown myself in the tub from time to time, or I would try to stop breathing at any given time. I don't remember thinking I wanted to die, but I tried very hard to do it. I do remember thinking that if I could stop breathing everything would finally be okay.

I suppose with time I realized it wasn't going to work and stopped doing it.