My brain doesn't send the right signals to my mouth and my words end up just sounding confused - even though my brain understands and has an intelligent answer for most things.
This happens to me sometimes. I also read numbers and words wrong a lot of the time (especially numbers). I very often write the wrong word down when I'm writing, especially handwritten. It takes me a long time to read things, and sometimes I have to re-read sentences becuase although I've red the words I sometimes can't understand the meaning. I spoke with a doctor about it years ago, and the reply was basically not to worry, that with the stress I was under it's natural that all these things happen to me. I thought about going to an Educational Psychologist at the time, but the email response I received from that person was that it was most likely PTSD interfering with my brain, unless the PTSD was caused by a blow to the head, or if I had some form of high intelligence. It bugged me, because I wanted to list all the times I've received a bump on the head. It also annoyed me about the whole intelligence thing. It's a long story with other parts to it, I won't go into it. In the end, I guess it doesn't matter, it's just been a worry of mine for some time, the idea that I could have brain damage (in particular from a time I was assaulted by a rabid lunatic and the time I swam into a wall). I'm glad I'm not there anymore. Even though I'm not happy with my life right now, I'm no longer under the threat of a man who abused me, I'm not in the aftermath of my friend's murder and I'm not trying to drown myself in the bath anymore.
I'm glad to read that finding out about your brain damage helped you @
Flyaway , and it sounds as if you've engaged with learning strategies for coping with it. Good for you :tup:. Thank you for saying you understand how I feel about this whole trying to stop breathing mess of memories.
I just put my head under the water and held my breath and I thought I would just not come back up again
I liked how quiet it was. I remember clinging to the side of the bath when I failed. My eyes were sore from keeping them open under the water and all the coughing up nasty water. Yuck. It makes my chest feel tight and like I can't breathe properly when I think about it.
Writing about this on here has helped other memories flood into my mind. I hate them, but I'm starting to realise they are possibly serving the purpose of helping me heal. Maybe I'm being forced to remember some of it, and not block it out, so I can move forward. The emotions that come with them :cry: are hard for me to know what to do with.
I really hope it is the case that I'm at a stage in recovery where I'm seeing the past and learning to manage the symptoms the memories can cause. I hope I'm getting stronger by posting and thinking about this, and not weaker. I want to function in life better than I have been the past several months. I might as well be in the ground, the complete lack of living I have done recently :sour:. Time for working harder and doing more.
