Trying To Trust Myself, Or Him. Both, Really.

[nicoletattooed]

I could spend years and pages listing the things that have caused my PTSD- drunk dad, peer on peer sexual abuse, rape - in college, by my partners, by my ex husband. I have been a battered spouse. I work, daily, to move on from all of this, to process it and try to move beyond it.

I have found someone, though. Someone who, by all appearances, accepts me for me, and loves me. I am a little embarrassed to admit that it is a online relationship, but I have felt the most free to express myself without the pressures of physical needs. He has shared with me, too, and the bond is strong. We read the same books, listen to the same music, and just get along well, in general. He listens. He lets me listen. I should be jumping up and down with excitement for the life that we could make, and the fun that we could have.

I have been lead astray by my own instincts before, though. I have put my trust in people who would only hurt me. I am 30, childless, staying with friends, just recently employed again, so I know that my guy isn't hanging out for some of the reasons the others have (access to a lifestyle, as they were addicts, like my father). My guy doesn't have addictions (that I know of), or a history of being an abuser. He hasn't even raised a red flag. I didn't find him, he found me. I really don't know why, some days, but he chose me. So, all of the key things that should make me want to run are absent, and I still want to run.

I want to push him away, though. I have opened myself up to pain again, and I just want to be unafraid of being loved. I don't know where to draw the line, where the PTSD ends and normal self preserving fear begins. I don't want to sabotage this, should it actually be real.

Does anyone have some tips on how to tell the healthy fear from the PTSD doom and gloom? All days aren't bad, like this one, but I feel like I am torturing myself with this.fear. I just need some advise, in general.

Thank you.
Nicole

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

I had the opposite problem. Someone found me, and I trusted them where I shouldn't have. I was being deceived for the other person's amusement.

Fear is kind of this thing that always appears in the shadow of joy, like we aren't allowed to be happy because what if it ends? That's the garbage nature of fear.

Just assess your situation. if what you have is genuine and real with a person who you know is being real with you, embrace that vulnerability of connecting with them and being real together.

That's authenticity... refusal to be afraid and the audacity to build that relationship regardless of anyone's judgement or criticism.

 

[roseann]

Nicole,

I understand your fear, being there myself right now. I have no particular sage advice but when my head clears enough for me to think beyond raw emotion, I realize that we have to accept the possibility of pain in order to live and find happiness. If we don't take any chances, we'll definitely lock ourselves out of opportunities to grow and love -- and that would be a rejection of life as it is.

That being said, I know how frightening it can be to take chances. I've avoided some pretty big opportunities/paths in my life because of that fear. Keep your eyes open, trust yourself, and remember that the only real failure is in not making any choice at all.

 

[arfie]

I have been married for 33 years and still dance with this devil on a regular basis. With a closely and honestly held awareness that I do hold the trust issues of an abused child, I go ahead and let the skepticism have its due. After 33 years of loving, my relationship is still vulnerable to the apathy and assumption long familiarity. My skepticism often points me to problem spots and gives me the motivation to fix them instead of letting them accumulate behind romantic shrugs. As you implied at the end of your post, a certain amount of fear is healthy. That same examination includes the inventory of "PTSD trust issue or healthy skepticism?" When I can't find the clarity within, I do what you just did and run it through my therapy network.

Just me. Hope you find what works for you. Important questions to be asking ahead of time.

 

[Luigi]

When I want to run, I do the exact opposite these days. I sit with how I'm feeling, feel it thoroughly so I can calm down, and then think about it logically. Do I really think what I'm afraid of is happening? Or is it a ghost?

Great therapist told me once that you can have a wonderful relationship, even when there are ghosts, if you take the time to name them.

I'm recently working through something similar......also an online relationship, but we've been talking for 4-5 months, and have met in person for two weekends. So far, my just staying very present when I'm feeling skittish has worked. I've also planned in breaks, so I don't have to be so hypervigilent to the point of exhaustion.

The wonderful thing is, you know. Deep inside of you, if you listen, you know whether what you're feeling is a warning or more of a ghost. And just like you're moving toward this person now, you can back up again. You're entitled to do whatever you need to do to be present. Having spent so much of my life not in my body, I won't do anything that takes me away from it, and that makes me feel really good about myself and my progress. I hope you are able to empower yourself; I hope my words help. You have all the information you need, somewhere.