Bubblegum
Learning
Good evening everyone.
Feeling lost because I canceled my trip back home to see my family. I usually make room for one trip, every year, so that I can get to see my family and old friends. I moved away back in 2011, living back there made me really sick.
But I couldnt do it this time, a friend that I was getting back in touch with (I held it off for a very long time, she was actively telling me she missed me, and due to anxiety I held it off, she passed away as I texted her)
It happened earlier this year, and my dad almost died of a stroke the day after, and he had survived cancer only a couple of years prior, which woke something deep down. He hasnt been acting like himself lately, and I feel like an egoist, he's been my rock and the only stability through my childhood (Him and my grandmother) and I cant even go
Then my dog died not long after, he was the only one who could make me feel calmer there except for my dad.
I just cant shake this feeling that everything I love suffers, and I know its such a dumb mindset. But, I already lost two ex lovers, one to gun violence and one to suicide. I worry that I wont get to spend time with my family before it is too late a lot, I'm constantly on edge, I feel queasy every time they call, expecting the worst.
I'm terrified about going home, but I'm losing my shit, because I just am so scared of not including myself into the lives of people I love before it's too late, I want to go, but I'm physically unable to get myself on a plane. I'm panicking because I didnt go, but I was unable to go, because I panicked about that too. I broke down so much the entire summer because of this, I've been on edge for so long, and my partner had sacrifice so much, and now we're not going at all, and I feel like such an idiot. He says its fine, and that we'll try again this christmas. I worry someone will die before that time, I just cant stop being paranoid about it, but I just cant make myself go.
I avoided seeing my uncle for the longest time, I loved him dearly, but aggressive MS took everything from him, seeing him waste away has been tough, and I regret not partaking more, now that he's gone too, I just feel like a f*cking idiot for taking it so personally, I couldnt afford going to his funeral either. I'm just so f*cking sad and pissed, angry at myself.
Going back there burns me out so bad, I had hoped that I could have gotten better so that I didnt dissasociate while there, or at least be healthy enough to go and reconnect, hold a normal conversation.
But now I'm just feeling like I let everyone down, because I couldnt do one simple thing, and it's 1AM, and I cant sleep, and I'm not looking forward to having to call everyone and try to explain this tomorrow.
Feeling lost because I canceled my trip back home to see my family. I usually make room for one trip, every year, so that I can get to see my family and old friends. I moved away back in 2011, living back there made me really sick.
But I couldnt do it this time, a friend that I was getting back in touch with (I held it off for a very long time, she was actively telling me she missed me, and due to anxiety I held it off, she passed away as I texted her)
It happened earlier this year, and my dad almost died of a stroke the day after, and he had survived cancer only a couple of years prior, which woke something deep down. He hasnt been acting like himself lately, and I feel like an egoist, he's been my rock and the only stability through my childhood (Him and my grandmother) and I cant even go
Then my dog died not long after, he was the only one who could make me feel calmer there except for my dad.
I just cant shake this feeling that everything I love suffers, and I know its such a dumb mindset. But, I already lost two ex lovers, one to gun violence and one to suicide. I worry that I wont get to spend time with my family before it is too late a lot, I'm constantly on edge, I feel queasy every time they call, expecting the worst.
I'm terrified about going home, but I'm losing my shit, because I just am so scared of not including myself into the lives of people I love before it's too late, I want to go, but I'm physically unable to get myself on a plane. I'm panicking because I didnt go, but I was unable to go, because I panicked about that too. I broke down so much the entire summer because of this, I've been on edge for so long, and my partner had sacrifice so much, and now we're not going at all, and I feel like such an idiot. He says its fine, and that we'll try again this christmas. I worry someone will die before that time, I just cant stop being paranoid about it, but I just cant make myself go.
I avoided seeing my uncle for the longest time, I loved him dearly, but aggressive MS took everything from him, seeing him waste away has been tough, and I regret not partaking more, now that he's gone too, I just feel like a f*cking idiot for taking it so personally, I couldnt afford going to his funeral either. I'm just so f*cking sad and pissed, angry at myself.
Going back there burns me out so bad, I had hoped that I could have gotten better so that I didnt dissasociate while there, or at least be healthy enough to go and reconnect, hold a normal conversation.
But now I'm just feeling like I let everyone down, because I couldnt do one simple thing, and it's 1AM, and I cant sleep, and I'm not looking forward to having to call everyone and try to explain this tomorrow.