Supporter Trying To Understand

[FadedHope]

Hello, my name is Karyl and I have been married to my husband for 20 years. We have six children. My husband is in the military and has deployed three times. He began to suffer PTSD after the first deployment.

I feel like I have been a blinded trooper for the last 9 years as my husband has transformed into someone I do not know. He hid an affair from me for four years. He won't confide in me about his daily struggles. The guys at work make comments about his character and are surprised that I don't know those things about my husband.

He hides behind his PTSD. When he meets someone new he will often tell them things that are startling and he excuses it away because he has PTSD.

At home he prefers isolation over possible irritation. He cannot tolerate anything that he thinks is ridiculous or childish from others. But when raising kids, that is what you are going to get. So, even though he shuts down when he is upset with me, he is willing to go on the attack when it comes to his 17 year old son.

I have to be vigilant about the atmosphere in the home and keep it as stress free as possible so we can have some possibility at having a positive interaction with him.

I want my children to develop a positive relationship with their father, but they are frustrated because he is unreliable and distant.

I say I have been a blind trooper because I thought I had the power to help him. I thought I could help him overcome what he struggles with. But, after his last outburst, after I stood between him and his target, I saw this look in his eyes that indicated he was where he wanted to be. The confrontations are always about small things like water bottles, children's toys, etc. When he gets into his angry zone he stays there for hours and sometimes days. This last time woke me up and made me realize that I was tired, and lonely in a marriage I have fought for for so long.

I stumbled onto this forum only to discover that this is a similar story in so many people's lives. It is one of struggles, sorrows, frustration, growing and fading hope, and hopefully newfound support and answers.

I don't know what to do anymore. My marriage is in stasis and it can go either direction. The fight is gone out of me. For now, I am trying to discover how I can heal and hopefully how my husband can find his way to heal.

Thanks for taking time to read this.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My heart breaks for our military. Why on Earth would he be redeployed with know PTSD? It doesn't make sense. He'll never be the guy you said goodbye to on his first deployment. From your post, I hear you frightened for your children, as well you should be. Every decision you make will be either benefit or risk.
Even though I have never been to war I have PTSD and I exhibit many of the symptoms your husband has minus the anger. I turn that in where is worsens my depression.
It takes a lot of courage and determination to face reality. I read so many supporters who wNt to help their sufferer. I think the military needs to provide counseling with the family of the soldiers. But doubt they'd do it.
Number one is you and your children. They only get one shot at childhood. You have to do whatever will provide you and them the comfort and safety a home should provide. And your don't need to feel guilt or shame. You didn't cause any of his demons and taking his anger out on his children is unacceptable.
My advice to you is to find a therapist that works with trauma and PTSD. Try to find a way to feel positive emotions. Your children didn't ask to be treated poorly.
He should be in therapy too but one that specializes military trauma.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do unless he wants to get better.

 

[blackemerald1]

I know you feel you have lost your husband now. I know you fear for the marriage, yourself and children.

I think you need to get yourself and children into therapy now. /so, they can understand what PTSD is at the very least.

/At 17 your son will be naturally volatile towards authority, anger, frustration etc., he is in his teens, it comes with the hormones.

You cannot stand alone between your husband and six potential targets every day. Your family cannot walk on egg shells the rest of their lives.

You cannot help your husband unless he acknowledges the PTSD and agrees to get help and continues to get help either by the military system or outside of it. This is so important.

His infidelity must be crushing you and finding out things from others must undermine the whole marriage. You need marriage counselling, either alone or with your husband if he agrees about your marriage.

Act now, do not suffer any illusion that things will return to normal on their own.

Keep in touch on this forum, vent your frustrations if necessary. You will find a lot comfort here and others who have struggled with the same issues.

Get some support wherever you can to help you make the marriage work and the children enjoy their childhood and their home.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I too was a Soldier in UK Military and was married to my now EX-Wife for 20 years with..... SIX Children. Hmm

I only hid my drinking and Gambling, never had an affair or did any kind of physical harm to any one over the years apart from suicide attempts in 1993 - 2003 - 2013.

I welcome you to the Forum and send :hug:s from the UK if you accept them. There really are no easy answers with PTSD. I am now divorced from my wife, have not seen any of my children in nearly 2 years.

I know now that it was the PTSD that made me dissociate but I cannot turn the clock back.

You have my Support any time you want it, Just ask.

Kindest regards

Laurie

 

[intothelight]

@FadedHope Welcome to the forum and I am glad you are able to find support for yourself. At this point, the only thing you really can do is take care of yourself and your children. The only control that anyone has is over their own choices and your husband will have to make his own choices in regard to recovery.

Dealing with PTSD is tough and it is wonderful to have someone there to support you, but support shouldn't cause damage to the person doing the support or any other family member. Take care of yourself and your family, because when and if he decides to treat, the healthier you and the children are, ultimately the healthier the family.

 

[scout86]

as my husband has transformed into someone I do not know

There's a good chance that he's transformed into someone that HE doesn't know as well.

Everyone has given you good advice. Take care of yourself however you have to. I hope he decides to give "getting help" at try, because it's the best way out of the situation he's in.

It's true that he'll never be the person he was before. Life events change us, PTSD or not. That doesn't mean that he can't still be a good person and a good husband and father. In some ways, the person he was is still there, but he experiences the world differently. Best wishes for all of you and welcome to the forum.

 

[FadedHope]

I appreciate all the thoughts that were shared with me today. It is difficult for me to really understand what is going on with PTSD. On the one hand, my husband is a a good man. He loves his family and he tries to avoid anger, but I think that over the last few weeks I began to change in my perception of how I can relate to him and help him. The fact that he does not talk, he prefers to be shut down, and that we are never sure what his triggers are becomes challenging. January is always a hard month on him because that is the anniversary of the first experience that started him in this direction.

I am coming to a new understanding that I can be whole and happy without expending all my energy trying to help him. Perhaps I am worried that as I let go of this responsibility that he will tank. I don't want him to fall apart, but I cannot hold his hand through this. He needs to find this strength within himself. He needs to love himself and find a way to heal so that he can be a whole person. I am not worried about things being different than the past. We all change, but it would be better if we can change in a way that strengthens the family unit instead of put unneeded strain.

Again, thank you for your kind words and support. Have a wonderful evening.

 

[Nighthawk]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[blackemerald1]

@FadedHope, I am glad the answers provided have been comforting. But, I think it is important to remember, that whilst I agree you cannot force your husband to do anything, he will still need you, perhaps now more than ever before, in the marriage. But, there are limits, hence counselling for you and your children is important right now and even then he will be different in a lot of ways. But, this is probably going to be far better than the dark place he finds himself in now.

You are obviously a strong woman and very perceptive. But, remember he has lost his perception of how the world is, or rather it has changed.

He will still need to feel that you at least support him, if and when he finally starts treatment. It is not a sprint, rather a long, difficult marathon for him to come back from where he is right now.

If you can forgive him for his infidelity which was probably something that he did with no rational reason. (PTSD)?? And his other peculiar antics for now, and he seeks treatment, then, yes his life, your life and your children's lives, may become much, much better.

You may have to help lead him back to the relationship, your children and how much he is dearly valued. He cannot learn to love himself again, without his hand being held by someone who he has shared the bulk of his life with and with whom he still loves.

Yes, drastic changes must happen as discussed above. But, to save your marriage and your children's father from being further damaged by the loss of his wife and children, please hold his hand, every now and again.

Remember, he didn't ask for this to happen, but as you probably know PTSD does not distinguish between people, age, gender, job etc.,

I know you are tired and wary. But he needs your help. You all need help.

In my view the collateral damage to even your children, which may be able to be avoided, would be worth holding his hand for, just on its own.

 

[FadedHope]

Thank you. I agree. Forgiveness is a constant companion in my life. The pain of holding onto anger and betrayal is far more damaging than humbling myself and forgiving. I am learning that forgiveness is a personal blessing that helps the individual who forgives more than the one being forgiven. I have learned that my act of forgiving him only truly helped me, as he still struggles to forgive himself.

When I was first faced with his revelation of his affair, he was still deployed. I had several months alone to consider what action I would take. I had to consider the effect of a divorce on my children. I had to consider what I was teaching them whether I stayed or not.

I made the choice to stay because he was truly sorry. He desired to work on getting better. Throughout the last few years I have worked hard to give him one on one time to spend with each kid. They are blessed to develop a relationship with their father.

Perhaps we just hit a plateau now. I realize that stepping completely away from him can be more damaging to the entire family, and thus I struggle. I do not know what is the best way to help him. What I have done is no longer helping him progress, but rather he is getting comfortable not taking responsibility to get help.

I have held on for so long I worry that he will not know how to grab a hold with all the strength he has. He has let himself be guided along without taking the opportunity to get the help needed.

It is essential that he has a good support system, but it is also essential that he understand his own ability and inner strength to get through his day to day experiences.

I have felt as though I am in a lonely marriage as he has checked out and gotten lost, but reading the words of similar experiences helps me to develop a realization that I am not alone in this experience.

I have needed a way to connect to others in a way that does not put misunderstood pressure or judgment on my husband. He is defensive because he is lost. He knows that and he holds onto the few things that he feels he is safe with. I.E. he isolates from others, repeats the same stories, and avoids responsibility as much as possible.

My job is to balance the family and create opportunities for him to realize his abilities and to succeed.

I will probably stick close to this group. While most days are OK, there will be days that I feel and wonder if I have the strength to endure through this.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and counsel.