Trying to work through the "it's all my fault syndrome"

[Ms Priss]

It has only been recently I have realized the degree of abuse I experienced with my mother and how it has basically ruled my whole life.

To sum it up briefly and without going into specifics...here is the deal...she taught me there was not one acceptable thing about me, and I was the source of everything that was wrong with her life.

Actually, she chewed me up, spit me out and threw me to the dogs. I can say with all honesty that every friendship, job, marriage, etc., I have managed to replay that scenario over and over; not that I was at all conscience of it at the time. I guess it is the thing...not I made a mistake but I am a mistake.

A couple weeks ago I was journaling about it and was overcome with rage...all consuming rage. It really scared me cause it was so intense...but what I did was stuff it and then become more depressed.

I do feel great anger and lately have been irritable with people and with very little patience. Before I would just take anything and not say a word. I have set some boundaries about not letting people shame me or use me. Sometimes I am ok with that when it is just people I do not have many dealings with. However, I get in a tailspin a lot of the time when I speak up. I am nor good at it...but I do not want to stop sticking up for me. Any suggestions?

 

[Teasel]

Sounds like your on the right track. I figure any time you're trying to learn a new skill you can't be perfect immediately.

Sounds like you're keen to learn from any mistakes you make so, think you're doing well.

Think I might be in a similar place so prolly not got great suggestions as yet. Hopefully someone will post who has already been through this.

 

[Sideways]

As frustrating and difficult as it is, it sounds like you're on the right track. Frustration, irritability and short temper are all forms of anger, and you have a whole lot to be angry about.

The deal with recovery is that at some point, we need to experience all of the emotions that are trapped inside relating to our abuse. We need to let them come out, do their thing, and eventually they will pass. That's one of the givens about emotions - they do eventually pass. With recovery, they can pass, then come back again, then pass, and continue in that cycle. But even so, the cycle eventually ends. Once we've dealt with the anger, we can reach a point where our abuse was something that we used to be angry about. Past tense.

Unfortunately, there's rarely a 'good' time to deal with those emotions. Anger, grief and shame are difficult emotions to have to sit with. So as part of our recovery, it's good to practice skills that help us manage our emotions. DBT and ACT therapies are two approaches that come to mind. The essence is basically that we recognise "this is anger", and we kind of give ourselves permission to be feeling that way, while at the same time trying to be conscious about the degree to which it's impacting our behaviour.

I'm still learning about this stuff, but it's definitely getting easier. I make a point of journalling (any expressive exercise can help, from art to sports) so that there are specific periods where I'm sitting down and giving the difficult emotions plenty of safe espace to wash over me, and then I can put the journal down and the emotions wreak a little less havoc during the day.

The other thing that I do that I'm finding helpful is for the people who are part of my support network, people who are important to me and know I'm having therapy - I give them the heads up. "I'm going through a Cyclone Ragdoll week at the moment", or "I'm having a really sad/low week this week". It doesn't need to be a big conversation, it just helps us all make sense of the different behaviours that tend to come out. People are more understanding if they understand a little more!

But definitely don't be afraid of irritability, because it's a form of anger. And as far as I'm concerned? Anger is an achievement. Anger is something we feel when we've reached the point where part of us knows: that wasn't ok, it's not okay that I got treated that way, I didn't deserve that. This isn't the permanent new you, you won't be irritable and short tempered from now on. This is an emotion that you're going through as part of your healing, and it's great! Take time out to feel angry. And take time out to self soothe (because it's emotionally exhausting!). You're doing great:)

 

[Ms Priss]

Wow, wow and wow!!!!!!!!!!!!
Giving myself permission to feel what I feel instead of all those tapes that go off in my head which are nothing but opinions people have laid on me over the years telling me those feelings are wrong...and then fighting them all the way which I suppose is true...that only serves to make them larger than life. Then there is the toxic shame telling me I must be bad if I think or feel that way.

I think what you said is true...what I am feeling now is actually healthy (even though it feels simply awful) and needs to be felt rather than stuffed, and I do not need anyone's permission or approval other than my own to feel it.

Some days I barely exist so locked up am I in this crappola. I really liked what you said about eventually this will get better...so looking forward to therapy and liking it that I can come here and express myself without people thinking I am a freak. Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[The Albatross]

It is good that you have recognized that there's a problematic repetitive relational scenario playing out. Boundary setting is good and yeah anger is a part of it. Speaking up is tough but it takes practice, patience, perseverance, and persistence to change the habit or behavior and ultimately to break the relational pattern. 21-26(8?) days to create a new habit, 6 months for a new behavior. It takes time but is really doable.

So far as the cognitive distortion angle... most likely, Personalization. Putting the blame on you. “It’s all my fault.” (???)
Key factors: desire for control and information overload. 7 Tips for Not Personalizing

Or Negative Filtering or just Filtering. We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted. To retrain your brain to filter differently a good example is the current goal challenge that Dharmagirl and Sheila are doing with Shawn Achor's The Happiness Advantage. It can bump your brain towards scanning for positive or neutral in a situation or for a person rather than negative. Though it includes a good deal about Panic Disorder a good article also talks about learning how to "reframe" here: Are Mental Filters Causing Your Anxiety?

 

[Sideways]

It's pretty amazing sometimes, when we just give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we're feeling. And hell yeah you get to be angry about this. We so often get taught that anger is something we need to avoid, but actually it's just a feeling. It's allowed to be there. And in situations like this? It really is an achievement. You've made it to the part where you're angry about the way you were treated. That's pretty amazing:)