Turning People Into Monsters

[Casey_03]

I can't shake the feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me that turns everyone I get close to into a monster. Even the people in my life who started out loving and kind and warm all seem to end up turning into vindictive, malicious, violent lunatics. My first boyfriend beat me close to death and tried to kill me in a psychotic break. Cut to now, my most recent boyfriend, after telling me he wanted a baby, picking out a name for the baby, etc ... turned violent and insane once he found out I was pregnant. But the thing that has me questioning my own sanity here is that he managed to turn everything around on me -- after he began threatening me over the pregnancy, I simply went numb and did not react. Did not reach out to him, made no attempts to "get revenge" or anything of the sort. I focused on myself, went home, made myself food and quietly tried to relax with a movie. That was it. And yet throughout that time, and even now, days later, he is apparently telling mutual friends I am a psycho and have been stalking him, am plotting some sort of vengeful attack to ruin his life, and so on and so forth. What the hell is this? Does anybody have an explanation for this sort of behavior? It seems like he wanted more fuel for anger, but I gave him none, so now he's just inventing things. I normally wouldn't mind, but I work in this city and don't want mutual friends believing I"M the unhinged one here. I've already got the pregnancy to deal with knowing the father has abandoned me and will offer no financial support, ever.

 

[illusionist]

You are not turning anyone into anything.......they are showing their own true colours.

I know I have had to learn to make better choices in people I have become involved with, after going through abusive relationships. I had to have a deep, honest look at myself.

 

[RockChick]

You know it could be you are too good (literally) for these people. Nothing makes evil angrier than an encounter with good. Look at what happened to Jesus - he definitely wasn't making people into monsters.

 

[Justmehere]

It's really common for women who have been abused to end up in another abusive relationship. It's not your fault and it's not a sign of something wrong with you.

Predators have a way of picking out those who have been victimized before. It's not a fully understood phenomena.

One thing that might be helpful is to look up into ok trauma rennecatments. Some think that the reason someone ends up Ina relationship with a new person who eventually ends up abusing them is because the subconscious is trying to resolve the previous trauma. As you work through the old trauma, you will be drawn towards more healthy people - people who are healthy not just for the short term but he long haul.

Or that may not be it at all.

One thing for sure is that it's not you turning people ink monsters. They did that in their own. They are responsible for being violent jerks, not you.

What you have control over is you. The only thing that is up to you is working through the old trauma and learning how to pick healthier people. One tip my therapist gave me is to pick people I'm not super attracted to. Often there is a trauma element it I am really really attracted to the person. She says to pick people who I like, but are almost a little boring or that I'm just middle of the raid drawn to. Those relationships have ended up much healthier and I've ended up falling just as much as in love, only with healthier people.

Again, you are not tuning anyone into monsters. That was in them and for this most recent guy, the stress of being a new dad is what brought out is asshole violent side. That's common with perps that thy are great until one day it all changes under some stressor.

That's not your fault at all.

 

[Casey_03]

@Justmehere That's the thing though, this last guy didn't fit the profile of an abuser at all. (I have been reluctant to get close to anyone for a long time because I am familiar with the pattern you mention, so I intentionally looked for someone I would not normally be drawn to). Up until recently, there were no signs he was abusive -- he was never controlling, manipulative or jealous. The relationship started out as the healthiest I have ever had; he was never judgmental or even gave any indication of having anger issues. That was why I liked him -- because for the first time I was with the "nice guy" and not the "bad guy." I guess that's why I feel like I somehow turned the nice guy into a bad guy ....

 

[Friday]

It's just Gaydar set for Assholery, instead.

There is a certain kind of sprung I get, that I've learned if I don't set my cap for the guy? But watch him for a few months, instead? Yep. Total asshole.

I had to seriously stop dating for awhile (read a few years) to watch the different kinds of attraction I get for people, and parse that.

 

[Justmehere]

@Justmehere That was why I liked him -- because for the first time I was with the "nice guy" and not the "bad guy." I guess that's why I feel like I somehow turned the nice guy into a bad guy ....

I totally hear ya. Exactly what you describe is super common. Most predators are not going to show signs of it at first. They often seem like the nice guy. I've been through it myself. I finally thought this guy would be the nice one and he ended up assaulting me one day. I wasn't super attracted either, so I thought I was picking better guys. I was picking better guys in the sense that he didn't hurt me as badly as previous guys.

It made me feel so damaged. Once I got lots of time and space from it, and I got input from outside friends, o began to see all the red flags I missed all over the place.

In the end, there are not always red flags, the worst predators often have learned how to hide it for just long enough.

Almost no one just suddenly goes from great guy to complete abusive asshole. You two did break up before you were pregnant right? So there was already something going ary in the relationship. Frankly, there are several things you have mentioned that he did before he became violent that are actually big red flags, once that you kinda began to see and teased him about. For example, the crowd he hung out with. Good guys would not seek out to have social interaction with the people he was. They wouldn't get so caught up in that drama and even you thought his behavior was regressive. Pointing that out to him, while you did it in a joking way, was actually hitting on the truth. Which is part of why he got so defensive. If it wasn't true at all and he was making great choices in life, he wouldn't have lost his shit the way he did when you called him out on it.

We also have to keep in mind he is engaged in crazy making and gas lighting you right now and that alone makes any victim of it feel like everything is their fault.

He wants you to believe you made him do this. That's what he is trying to get you to do. It's wrong. It's a load of crap and false.

This is your opportunity to declare for yourself that you do not agree with your abuser, with the way violent abusers view the world and you, because you are not one of them.

No matter how much he tries to make you out to be at fault here for what he is doing, you do not deserve it and it's still not your fault.

Another way to look at this is to understand the power we have as humans. You are not so powerful as to turn other people into monsters. You are not in control of what he does. If you had the power to turn people into monsters I am sure you would instead use that to turn people into good people - but you or I or anyone else can't do that. No one is so powerful to do that.

But what you do have power over is choosing to not agree with him and take in his thoughts and messages to you as truth and as your own.

I know he is spreading vicious rumors and lies about you. Don't start believing them. Live above them. In time, people will figure out that you are not who the violent abuser says he is, and if they don't, then they were crap people anyhow.

You have a new life coming into the world and it's time to find good people who can help support you on this journey into motherhood. The fact that he may no financially support the child may be a blessing in disguise because then it may been you don't have to maintain constant contact with this jerk.

 

[Anarchy]

Hope you are feeling better.

Justmehere is so right, you don't magically control his actions.

Not sure if there are any vids posted of Laurence Heller, or Aline La Pierre describing this;
Shame based identifications and pride based counter identifications.

A friend of mine got an example of this with a recent bf. With hindsight his pride based counter identification was as a too nice people pleaser.

When that slipped, she got to see what it was hiding, she got a sudden blast of bitter, angry resentful little boy.

What Heller & La Pierre suggest is that the two, the shame based identification and the pride based counter identification balance. The bigger one gets, the bigger the other gets.