People I perceive to be weaker than me fill me with rage and disgust

Nixx

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The title says it, but its what I feel alot. I hate other people I perceive as weaker than me and its bit me in the ass for far too long. Its not like I hate small children or anyone physically weaker than me, but just a certain kind of person. Someone who begs for sympathy and pity all the time from EVERYONE. Someone who never takes action in their life to fix things. Someone who always has an excuse ready for why they didn't succeed at something. And someone who just lets the same shit happen to them over and over again but never even tries to change the situation. But at the same time I've been that kind of person many times in my life. I allowed myself to be out of control enough it got me arrested and couldnt simply get my shit together and behave like a normal kid. I just stood there and let a man molest me, I didn't run or scream or try to rip his throat out. I stood there and took it when he berated me and humiliated me for my perceived sexuality after the fact. I allowed myself to be physically hurt and never retaliated for it. I chose to never go out and get some sort of personal revenge, I never went to law school like I wanted so I could rage against the legal system here in an act of defiance and revenge. I spent too much time in my early 20s floating about in school and work and never having some sort of direction and only by sheer force of will was I able to claw myself to some kind place where I was successful, and then I was partially to blame for blowing up that life. I was absolutely shttiy to my partner and now ex-fiancé because I saw in him the same kind of weaknesses I had and they hadn't even tried or worked hard to get to where they were because they had more support than I ever will (major jealousy issue there I know).

And the opposite is true of me as well. People who seem confident and very much together leave me kinda fearful and nervous. People who ooze authority and just have that walk kind of and hold themselves in a certain way make me want to leave the room when they are around, like they are suffocating me.

So that is a big cognitive distortion I have.
 
full-out empathy, sa. i've managed to whittle the responses to this phenom, but it still persists. works in progress.

in my own therapy sessions, i concluded that my own rendition is, "self-loathing." the people i perceive as weaker are typically suffering similar psycho ticks as i. there, but for the grace of god. . . hanging out with such folk feels rather like a recovering alcoholic hanging out with drinking buddies. even when i can muster a modicum of compassion for them, i deeply fear the positive reinforcement of my most destructive symptoms. the confident folks who give me that oppressed feeling are most often playing on my fear of success and/or commitment. with success comes responsibility i am not at all prepared to handle. shoot. . . at 69 years old, i'm barely housebroken. social skills? ? ? i've read about them and watched some youtube videos. i'm not sure what language the authors/presenters were speaking.

i've never pondered the cognitive distortion angle, but it seems fair enough to call ^it^ that. by whatever name, it is a mean-assed symptom.
 
I relate a bit. I guess I don’t think too much about weak people. I do get intimidated by self confidence though. As I got older I have been learning that self confidence people aren’t actually smarter than anyone else. They can just compartmentalize their weaknesses so they don’t feel overwhelmed by them. I think they are also good at ignoring or dismissing facts that may hinder their view of things. It is an interesting cognitive distortion for sure
 
The title says it, but its what I feel alot. I hate other people I perceive as weaker than me and its bit me in the ass for far too long. Its not like I hate small children or anyone physically weaker than me, but just a certain kind of person. Someone who begs for sympathy and pity all the time from EVERYONE. Someone who never takes action in their life to fix things. Someone who always has an excuse ready for why they didn't succeed at something. And someone who just lets the same shit happen to them over and over again but never even tries to change the situation. But at the same time I've been that kind of person many times in my life. I allowed myself to be out of control enough it got me arrested and couldnt simply get my shit together and behave like a normal kid. I just stood there and let a man molest me, I didn't run or scream or try to rip his throat out. I stood there and took it when he berated me and humiliated me for my perceived sexuality after the fact. I allowed myself to be physically hurt and never retaliated for it. I chose to never go out and get some sort of personal revenge, I never went to law school like I wanted so I could rage against the legal system here in an act of defiance and revenge. I spent too much time in my early 20s floating about in school and work and never having some sort of direction and only by sheer force of will was I able to claw myself to some kind place where I was successful, and then I was partially to blame for blowing up that life. I was absolutely shttiy to my partner and now ex-fiancé because I saw in him the same kind of weaknesses I had and they hadn't even tried or worked hard to get to where they were because they had more support than I ever will (major jealousy issue there I know).

And the opposite is true of me as well. People who seem confident and very much together leave me kinda fearful and nervous. People who ooze authority and just have that walk kind of and hold themselves in a certain way make me want to leave the room when they are around, like they are suffocating me.

So that is a big cognitive distortion I have.
Your recognition precedes a breakthrough. Always. It's easier for you to think that you are so contemptuous of others when you are actually questioning your ego. Ego no likey!
Lay that mf out! You have contempt for those you perceive as weak which IS your mirror for your self-contempt. And the real you knows that you're not weak and that your ego just fears it.
What you are is confused and dysregulated. Me too, friend. Totally confused about how to make like a "success" by common standards. It's a real cognitive dissonance clusterfk.
Once you really start strengthening your self-compassion neural pathways, you will think differently about others. But in the mean time, you have unreasonable expectations to ensure that no one, not even you, can measure up to your standards.
Your uneasiness around confident people is a little voice assailing your ego, telling it that "you've sure talked big in your life but failed to deliver." The reason you didn't go to law school is because there wasn't an authentic reason and desire, just anger and rage. You can't really make yourself do things completely inauthentic to your being without descending deeper into cognitive dissonance, but you can convince yourself that you're a failure because you didn't do law school.
Congratulations on resisting plunging deeper into that confusion and a life of arguing that is not meant for you.
You're going to get out of this mental jail you were PROGRAMMED to keep yourself in.
I guarantee you: I know it doesn't make much sense, but if you can really do the work on self-compassion, you WILL come into your authenticity. Then you'll be able to recognize, name, and put in their place, those feelings of uneasiness and disgust. Because they go way deeper than the words and the initial feelings. It's the fear that you are hesitant to uncover.
That's cool. Do it anyway, though, because that's brave.
This has been in your subconscious for quite a while and your conscious recognition of it means you are already working to expel this cognitive dissonance. What's next?! :)
Very self-aware of you. Very very awesome. Keep trudging through the mud. Keep doing what you have to do to find your way back to who you really are. That's what we have to do, my friend.
THIS is your path so you have to come back to reality and start from where you are, not from where you regret not being. Cultivate your moment to moment awareness of negative self talk.
 
There’s a line from a song,,,

‘Everything that I believe, is wrong with you, is wrong with me.’

It’s been said many times, many ways, but for whatever reason that lyric is the easiest for me to hold onto.

The other 2 are

- quote from the Desiderta : “If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”

- “Never compare your insides to other people’s outsides.” : modern proverb.

^^^

Taking those 3 things on board? Means at some point I decided to PIVOT. What I look for in others? Is what delights, inspires, amazes me. Weakness & faults are easy enough for me to identify. But what ADDS to my life, instead of subtracts? Is ascertaining someone’s strengths, talents, skills, gifts.

It’s the exact same thought process, put to different use, by reversing it. By changing what I look for.
 
I’m really pleased this has popped back up again because I’m struggling with a similar problem at the moment.

I know I shouldn’t judge, I know I should show compassion and empathy, I feel disgusted by my obvious double standards.

I just really really struggle with what I perceive as ‘weakness’, I am very much drawn to bold, confident, strong minded people who are not afraid to stand up for themselves and anyone else. And while I absolutely can be all of the things above, there was also a time I didn’t fight, I didn’t say no, I let it happen, I didn’t (well not at that point anyway, I did later) punch him in the face. Here I am needing to go to therapy and I’m just rotting in a puddle of shame at my own weakness, I should be punished.
 
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I know I shouldn’t judge,
<grin> I disagree, entirely.

I know ‘judge’ ‘judgy’ ‘judgement’ has become shorthand recently for finding fault / judging someone else badly, guilty, shameful, disgusting / unfair-incorrect-wrong… but???

The only way to exercise GOOD judgment, and to judge fairly/correctly, IS to judge. A lot. And to be wrong, and recognize that, and learn/self-correct.

Which means not only to judging to find fault, but also to judge someone extraordinary, worthy, correct, innocent, justified, brave, skilled, talented, interesting, etc. As well as neutrality existing where there simply isn’t enough info to form an opinion.

It’s no wonder, in a day and age, where ANY judgment is frowned upon, and people are not “supposed to” exercise any kind of judgment whatsoever (even though it was born out of a good idea; judging someone based on the content of their character, rather than superficial BS -isms & bias & dehumanizing nonsense)… why people don’t stand up for each other, don’t see something wrong and say something / do something, don’t trust their own selves but seek outside validation, people pleasing, no opinion, wish washy, spineless, self doubting, codependent, lack of self confidence… is becoming overwhelmingly “normal”. >.<

And where judgement DOES leak out / assert itself? Is reserved for extreme circumstance, that just reinforces how “wrong” it is to judge. >.<

My 2.02
 
me arrested and couldnt simply get my shit together and behave like a normal kid. I just stood there and let a man molest me

What if I told you that as a child I deliberately attempted to seduce adults entirely of my own volition? Many took me up on it. They were what we called clients. But I was 8-12 years old.

I would posit that there is no way in which a child is responsible for being molested or assaulted or raped, even if they fully instigated it. The onus is on the adult, always. Those who disagree I would challenge to come up with a circumstance where you would, absent any duress, choose to engage sexually with a child.

The people you describe are indeed more vulnerable and in essence weaker, so my question is simple: how do you intend to treat people who are more vulnerable and less developed and with less skills and resources? People like this can be annoying in the sense that they are continually demanding, but we can elect to respond or not. We can give that energy or not, and we can do so with judgment or not.

Most of the time how we perceive 'weak' people truly correlates to how we perceive weakness in ourselves. And unfortunately, here, no human is without this capacity. Yourself, myself, included.
 
What if I told you that as a child I deliberately attempted to seduce adults entirely of my own volition? Many took me up on it. They were what we called clients. But I was 8-12 years old.

I would posit that there is no way in which a child is responsible for being molested or assaulted or raped, even if they fully instigated it. The onus is on the adult, always. Those who disagree I would challenge to come up with a circumstance where you would, absent any duress, choose to engage sexually with a child.
That makes sense to me, though in a different way for different reasons. For a time after I got released, I felt completely asexual, probably for a myrid of reasons. But puberty eventually won over vs the trauma and well , yea....

But me and my therapist have discussed exactly the second part. I freely admit the sex I had wasn't painful, it felt good. Sex and pleasure is mechanical to me. My pain came from the fear of it being found out and how that would hurt me amoung my peers there, that I would be looked at as weak and they would decide to use me in the same way ( which they eventually did to an extent near the end). Thats the nature of the situation I lived. So it is the fear of weakness in myself more or less.
 
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