Two specific people make me sick

[Aviatrix]

Suicide, drug use, gas-lighting

Hi Everyone,

There is a Couple who makes me sick. I can't help it. When I see posts from Couple, my hair stands up and I growl--not posts on this website, but another website. About a year ago, I asked Wife (from the Couple) about Other Member on Other Website. It seemed to me that Other Member owned the site, or maybe was a developer, or a large donor. About 15 minutes later, Other Member posts a message to me, on Other Site, saying, "I don't know what I did to piss you off, but apparently I really pissed you off a lot." It was very obvious that Wife or Husband (from Couple) ran to Other Member and inflated what I asked about Other Member. This shocked me because I thought Couple were my friends. I thought they were adults who tried to be good people in life. I thought they were sober. I asked Wife if she told Other Member and she said that she would never do that. I asked Husband if he told Other Member and he said that he and Wife talked about it and can't figure out how Other Member new what was said. Couple never said "no." It hurt that they were probably gas-lighting me. I swallowed the hurt and the blame and thought I wasn't a good person unless I believed them.

At one point, I asked Other Member why she thought I was pissed off, and she covered for her friends, Couple, and said that "she just had a feeling."

Over the months, Wife and Husband have done little things, like, snicker when I called them distraught after Other Member posted a suicide note (which she didn't follow through on), Husband told me about the constant use of cannabis to treat asthma, ptsd, osteoporosis, and other illnesses, tried to manipulate me through word-twisting to fall-in-line with what I said, and successfully manipulated me to carry out an act for them.

When I carried out the act for them--I should say that it was a legal act--that was the last straw. I swore that after an ex manipulated me for years, I would never allow people to treat me poorly again. So, I confronted Wife and Husband. Did they tell Other Member what I asked them about her being a person of influence on Other Website. Once again, they did not say "no," but instead Wife said, "I would never do that and I don't know if Husband was PMing Other Member or not." Husband said "I don't remember." They did it.

I wrote them a letter in which I explained that I originally swallowed the hurt they caused me, and would not swallow the manipulation. I deserved better. I wished them the best and said goodbye. Even though they caused me pain, it hurt me to cut them off. I thought they were friends, but I left them for my own mental health betterment. I knew I would feel better in the future without them in my life.

I blocked them on Other Website, and I still see their posts. Other Website is not a well-run website. I saw posts from Husband saying "WTF" and that he paid for his crime with time. Nothing to show growth in taking the blame for Husband's and Wife's actions. Nothing to say, it could have been constantly being stoned. So, they hurt me again, by denying their part in hurting me originally with betrayal and petty junior-high-school gossip. My solution was to post self-help type quotes about healing and it helped me get over that second round of pain from Couple.

But, I still see their posts and I'm upset. I don't want to see their posts. At first I told myself to just not read their posts. I had a right to be on Other Website, and would not let their presence control me or cause me pain. I told myself to be an adult. But today, Husband posted a big medical post with language to highlight his medical knowledge about cannabis use. It upset me. I know that people who have drug abuse problems are not responsible for their actions or words, including if the drug use is for medical reasons. That is their issue. My issue is that I don't know how to cut them out of my life anymore except to stop using Other Website. I had one other friend on Other Website, but she seems to have sided with Couple, who were her friends before she and I were friends, and is now avoiding me. So, I guess I don't have any friends on Other Website. Maybe I should just avoid it and avoid Couple. I'm trying to be strong. I want to put myself first so people like Couple can't hurt me. I am struggling with how to develop such inner strength as armor. I'm open to suggestions.

Thanks.

Aviatrix

 

[Kubash16]

The best thing you could do in this situation is take a step back from them. You don’t necessarily have to completely avoid the website, but if you choose to be on it make a promise to yourself to not engage with them. Is there a function where you can block/ignore/hide them from your view? Otherwise, just try to remove an emotional response to them but objectively seeing if they are even worth your attention (sounds like they aren’t).

 

[somerandomguy]

You don't have to go to Other Website. If someplace on the internet hurts you instead of helps you, it's time to quit visiting. I did it with Reddit and Facebook and my life has improved a thousand percent since I did.

 

[Sideways]

When it comes to websites, the concept of “I have a right to be here” kind of blows my mind. Websites aren’t like a public park, you know?

Instead of blaming these people for everything under the sun, perhaps consider re-focusing on what you’ve contributed to the situation. Because that’s the part you can change and control. You continuually engage with these users even though they “make you sick”. No need to keep doing that.

Ultimately, if a website isn’t working out for you? That’s an easy problem to solve. Stop going there.

 

[Ronin]

IMO sites that cause me grief (or places altogether, that do), personality types that irritate me, etc? Are not a thing about them, not so much.

They are a damn useful insight into myself, and my values, ways of reacting, where I am comfortable and not, my own history and evaluation of things. That is a piece I can work with, and that I can do whatever I please with. Not others and their reactions.

 

[Aviatrix]

IMO sites that cause me grief (or places altogether, that do), personality types that irritate me, etc? Are not a thing about them, not so much.

They are a damn useful insight into myself, and my values, ways of reacting, where I am comfortable and not, my own history and evaluation of things. That is a piece I can work with, and that I can do whatever I please with. Not others and their reactions.

Ronin, absolutely. I agree with you. I may have misrepresented my problem. I wasn't asking for a way to change the other people. I am absolutely looking at it like there is a way here for me to change my response the situation. I seem to be tripping over my responses. That is the problem. I'm trying to be a stronger person and see my patterns so I can break the bad ones. I'm just not sure how to change myself to see manipulative, childish people quicker, so I can choose not to speak to them at the outset. Thanks for your response.

When it comes to websites, the concept of “I have a right to be here” kind of blows my mind. Websites aren’t like a public park, you know?

Instead of blaming these people for everything under the sun, perhaps consider re-focusing on what you’ve contributed to the situation. Because that’s the part you can change and control. You continuually engage with these users even though they “make you sick”. No need to keep doing that.

Ultimately, if a website isn’t working out for you? That’s an easy problem to solve. Stop going there.

Yes, Sideways, trying to figure out what I am contributing to the problem is my issue. I think I initially misrepresented the problem. I sometimes have a problem communicating. "Stop going there" is one thing I was considering. Thanks for your response.

You don't have to go to Other Website. If someplace on the internet hurts you instead of helps you, it's time to quit visiting. I did it with Reddit and Facebook and my life has improved a thousand percent since I did.

Somerandomguy, Thanks for your input. I have been considering not visiting Other Website again. For several months I have had a lesser presence on Other Website. I am coming to the conslusion that it is no longer helpful to me. Bravo for you coming to the conslusion to cut off Reddit and Facebook. It's great that your decision paid off for you.

 

[Ronin]

I'm just not sure how to change myself to see manipulative, childish people quicker

I asked that same question of someone, a while back (how can I be sure about others not manipulating, when they seem convincing, or not even but I am convinced for other reasons)... she was a rather good character judge, though still said, tough call. Some times you really have no way of knowing. They had lifetimes to work on their act, is what they do, work at, are proud of. You can only work with the present moment, inclinations, what you want in your future, and not.

Besides, no amount of changing yourself will change responses of others, they choose what they choose. You can remove yourself from it, or interact differently for your sake, but it is not going to stop them.

 

[Aviatrix]

The best thing you could do in this situation is take a step back from them. You don’t necessarily have to completely avoid the website, but if you choose to be on it make a promise to yourself to not engage with them. Is there a function where you can block/ignore/hide them from your view? Otherwise, just try to remove an emotional response to them but objectively seeing if they are even worth your attention (sounds like they aren’t).

Kubash16, Thanks for your very good advice. I like that very much, "make a promise to yourself to not engage with them" and "try to remove an emotional response." I already don't engage with them anymore. I have trained myself, that if I see their name on a post, not to read the post. There is a "block" function, but it doesn't seem to do anything but block Wife and Husband from sending me messages. I can still see their general posts to everyone, unfortunately. Today, Husband's post was huge with diagrams of medical things, and it happened to be on top of the new posts page when I signed on. It was almost like a huge brick wall that I couldn't avoid.

 

[EveHarrington]

What’s so important about that site that you can’t just leave? Find another site? This seems like a lot of drama with a simple solution.

 

[Aviatrix]

That's a good question, EveHarrington. I think it's because I used to think I had friends on that other website. So, it hurts a little. But I have to keep telling myself that the people I talk to on Other Website have my email address if they really miss me and want to stay in touch.

 

[joeylittle]

@Aviatrix - I might have missed it, but it sounds like you don’t have a face-to-face relationship with these people, is that right?

If so - honestly, my advice would be to rethink the nature of your online relationships.

It’s incredibly hard to ‘read’ people only through text. But it’s very easy to project traits onto them that aren’t really there.

So when you say this:

Yes, Sideways, trying to figure out what I am contributing to the problem is my issue

....My instinct is to say, the problem isn’t in how you relate to them. It’s that you are trying to do a very difficult thing - you’re trying to connect with and trust in people online in a way that is equivalent to a 3-D relationship.

I’m not saying that’s impossible. I’m saying that it’s extremely difficult, and that even fairly well balanced people with no mental health concerns can be tricked, or manipulated, or simply become part of someone else’s online needs/wants/compulsions.

The freedom that exists with the lack of face to face real-time communication can cause one to feel trust and intimacy much more quickly than one would do in 3-D life. It’s something to be careful of.

 

[Aviatrix]

@Aviatrix - I might have missed it, but it sounds like you don’t have a face-to-face relationship with these people, is that right?

If so - honestly, my advice would be to rethink the nature of your online relationships.

It’s incredibly hard to ‘read’ people only through text. But it’s very easy to project traits onto them that aren’t really there.

So when you say this:

....My instinct is to say, the problem isn’t in how you relate to them. It’s that you are trying to do a very difficult thing - you’re trying to connect with and trust in people online in a way that is equivalent to a 3-D relationship.

I’m not saying that’s impossible. I’m saying that it’s extremely difficult, and that even fairly well balanced people with no mental health concerns can be tricked, or manipulated, or simply become part of someone else’s online needs/wants/compulsions.

The freedom that exists with the lack of face to face real-time communication can cause one to feel trust and intimacy much more quickly than one would do in 3-D life. It’s something to be careful of.

@joeylittle, you're right. That is great advice.