Two very different options and stuck between

[Midnightmoon]

Wow @beaneeboo , your reply makes me smile because I can identify so much of it within my own story. The disbelief, the denial the adamance to not have DD on your medical file. My CPTSD isn't even on their yet so if I did ever make it to my GP they'd have a shock and a half...

I know my old T contacted my GP a few times, without my consent (god that's another tale and a half of how to not practice ethical therapy...) so I know there will be 'stuff' on there. But a DD seems so serious, so finanite, I keep wishing it away or that I must just try harder.

I love that your clinic T is respectful of the language around DD and parts and how you identify with all that, such a refreshing read to my own current experience where I'm told that I MUST consider 'everyone' and 'what does everyone else think' all the damn time. I don't know what everyone thinks, I don't know who everyone even is let alone how to ask. I just sit there clueless.

It's given me lots to think about before my next session in a few days time, I know this sickness can't continue, and it's certainly not helping me, just finding the strength to push on, again.

Thank you for your lovely lovely kindness

 

[Sideways]

she's skilled in those areas

New T also insists on referring to me as plural, which I cannot stand.

Just gonna throw in that these 2 statements are completely at odds. I don’t doubt for a second that she considers herself skilled, or even that others might think she is.

But nope, referring to you in plural should not be her default.

And here in the 21st century, remembering the basics of how their patient identifies is…kinda basic territory.

You don’t need to feel bad for this person.
You don’t need to extend them any more benefit of the doubt than you already have.

She has well and truly established that she is both unprofessional, and untrustworthy (kicking back on the couch, eating through appointments…wtaf!?).

One of the great things about this place is when we go to therapy, we may not know what ‘normal’ or ‘professional’ should look like. And we have a whole community of experience to get input from.

You deserve better. You pay this person for their professional skill, and at the moment? They aren’t demonstrating to you that they have any.

I didn't know I was 'allowed' TBH, I just sort of guessed they'd tell me to go to my GP

Very often where I am? You can approach the clinic or practitioner, and if it sounds like a Go, then you go to the GP for the referral (which is a walk-in and tell them “I’m just after a referral to…” job).

I know my old T contacted my GP a few times, without my consent

Where I am, the laws must be different. There is an expectation that a specialist will report back to the primary provider they accepted the referral from.

 

[beaneeboo]

Wow @beaneeboo , your reply makes me smile because I can identify so much of it within my own story.

The disbelief, the denial the adamance to not have DD on your medical file. My CPTSD isn't even on their yet so if I did ever make it to my GP they'd have a shock and a half...

The one thing i found when i went wasthat she didn't have a big shock (not on her face at least). She just treated me as if it were like any other referral she would have to do.

I think sometimes we create stories in our own heads about how other people will think or feel about it all. In reality, she didn't really know what a DD is! But was open tu the referral because she looked at the report and could see it was an NHS clinic. She didn't need to know more than that. We can't predict in what we any GP you see will react. But I'm guessing they won't have the same shocked reaction we feel the should have! Possibly more ignorance and hopefully the can be open to the referral.

I know my old T contacted my GP a few times, without my consent (god that's another tale and a half of how to not practice ethical therapy...)

W..T..A...F

Just complete disbelief.

so I know there will be 'stuff' on there. But a DD seems so serious, so finanite, I keep wishing it away or that I must just try harder.

Sometimes it hits me like this too. I've been working on trying to see it as something additional to me, rather than a part of me. But i know this changes depending on my state.

i think if the title didn't have 'disorder' in it, i would feel better about it as a term.

I love that your clinic T is respectful of the language around DD and parts and how you identify with all that, such a refreshing read to my own current experience where I'm told that I MUST consider 'everyone' and 'what does everyone else think' all the damn time. I don't know what everyone thinks, I don't know who everyone even is let alone how to ask. I just sit there clueless.

you're actually not clueless. At all. You're very on point about lots of things on here. You know your position. You know how you feel about things. You just haven't been given the opportunity to use your voice and your T has created a culture in which she is dominant in her behaviour over you (red flag!). So you're giving up on your own thoughts/ feelings a bit because there's not a safe space yet to allow you to communicate your thoughts and feelings.

I told you about my experience wit my T so that you can see an alternative way Ts can, and should, treat and behave. Because you deserve more than how she is holding you (which she's not at present). I'm sorry if that's hard to hear because you're currently so stuck in your situation. But if the only thing which comes from this (and everyone else's feedback), is a strengthening of your own perspective and self- trust of how you're seeing your situation, it's worth it. If that self trust in this situation (which is there to some degree because you are telling us how you feel about it all very clearly and understanably) can be a spring board for you looking for other T options, then that that's great... It's alot to chew over i know... and I defo don't want to preach or be ignorant to the difficulty of your situation...

It's given me lots to think about before my next session in a few days time

that's great

, I know this sickness can't continue

this was the same thing i said to myself when i started my search for help from one of the DD clinics even though i was in denial for having a DD... when you KNOW it can't continue, you've reached that place, that's where things can shift..

, and it's certainly not helping me, just finding the strength to push on, again.

As I said before, you're essentially She-Ra ...I have no doubt of that (probably giving away my age now !!)

Go gently

 

[Midnightmoon]

Just gonna throw in that these 2 statements are completely at odds

This is beyond helpful, in a really daft way, because yes, even I can see the contradiction loud and clear. Bucket loads of experience and then conducting sessions the way she does really doesn't fit together. Again, I had it as a 'me' problem and maybe I need to try and get my brain to accept that its perhaps not...

referring to you in plural should not be her default.

Ts stance on this is that I AM plural, and by not letting that be said I'm avoiding, which, ok, is maybe a very fair summery. Interestingly I do, occasionally, use 'we' when I'm on my own, but never in the presence of anyone else. I guess I'll get there but forcing this issue doesn't feel very helpful from her.

Where I am, the laws must be different. There is an expectation that a specialist will report back to the primary provider they accepted the referral from.

W..T..A...F

Just complete disbelief.

I think my first thread on here was asking for help with old T, where she didn't have a confidentiality policy and basically said everything was individual and thought about separately... I had bucket loads of really strong guidance/ thoughts at the time that it wasn't ok and it wasn't a 'me' issue, that again, I assumed it was with my rubbish trust. As a private client T should only be alerting a GP if serious safeguarding issues, which is definitely not what happened. That messed me up for a long time.

I've been working on trying to see it as something additional to me, rather than a part of me

I like this way of trying to see it very much. I think it really helps having people here with the diagnosis that are open to sharing. Online generally the extremes are scary, along with alot of 'performance' DD (27 outfit changes/ switching on cue etc etc) that just feels....urgh....I don't want to be associated woth that. I don't want people to see that and think that's me.

As I said before, you're essentially She-Ra ...I have no doubt of that (probably giving away my age now !!)

A bit before my time but I won't make you feel worse!

 

[Sideways]

Ts stance on this is that I AM plural, and by not letting that be said I'm avoiding, which, ok, is maybe a very fair summery. Interestingly I do, occasionally, use 'we' when I'm on my own, but never in the presence of anyone else. I guess I'll get there but forcing this issue doesn't feel very helpful from her.

[Deleted massive rant]
You don’t have to refer to yourself as ‘we’. I’m aware that’s the current trend in some social media circles.

DID is a mental illness. It’s not gender. It’s not sexual preference. It’s an illness.

It will likely impact your self concept. But it’s something you have, not who you are.

And although, initially, therapy will likely sharpen the lines that exist between your alters, the ultimate goal is to end up with a stronger, more coherent sense of self, more capable of functioning as a single person (because you are).

There may be (often horrible) times when you feel like different people coexisting in the same body. You aren’t. And you aren’t obliged to identify any differently just because you have a certain mental illness.

[Delete, delete, delete…!] This T is really unimpressive.

 

[beaneeboo]

This is beyond helpful, in a really daft way, because yes, even I can see the contradiction loud and clear. Bucket loads of experience and then conducting sessions the way she does really doesn't fit together. Again, I had it as a 'me' problem and maybe I need to try and get my brain to accept that its perhaps not..

Definitely NOT a you problem!

Ts stance on this is that I AM plural, and by not letting that be said I'm avoiding, which, ok, is maybe a very fair summery. Interestingly I do, occasionally, use 'we' when I'm on my own, but never in the presence of anyone else. I guess I'll get there but forcing this issue doesn't feel very helpful from her.

I'd argue it's actually damaging.

I think my first thread on here was asking for help with old T, where she didn't have a confidentiality policy and basically said everything was individual and thought about separately... I had bucket loads of really strong guidance/ thoughts at the time that it wasn't ok and it wasn't a 'me' issue, that again, I assumed it was with my rubbish trust. As a private client T should only be alerting a GP if serious safeguarding issues, which is definitely not what happened. That messed me up for a long time.

I can see why...

I like this way of trying to see it very much. I think it really helps having people here with the diagnosis that are open to sharing.

I've found this really helpful too...

Online generally the extremes are scary, along with alot of 'performance' DD (27 outfit changes/ switching on cue etc etc) that just feels....urgh....

Oh god yeah, totally agree!! Stay away from YouTube vids etc of people with DID / OSDD! ... not wanting to offend anyone sharing their experience of having a DD, but what we watch on there is NOT a general representation... feels more like for entertainment alot of the time. I don't identify with lots of stuff I've watched (and I don't watch any anymore, except for Carolyn Spring)....

I don't want to be associated woth that. I don't want people to see that and think that's me.

Exactly.

A bit before my time but I won't make you feel worse!

You just did

Your response made me lol !!

 

[brokenpony]

New T also insists on referring to me as plural, which I cannot stand. I get for many people with DID using 'we' is appropriate, but I've told her and told her and told her please stop with the 'everyone' line of communication, but she won't. It just makes me prickle in defensiveness but now I've stopped asking all together, there doesn't seem much point.

I love that your clinic T is respectful of the language around DD and parts and how you identify with all that, such a refreshing read to my own current experience where I'm told that I MUST consider 'everyone' and 'what does everyone else think' all the damn time. I don't know what everyone thinks, I don't know who everyone even is let alone how to ask. I just sit there clueless.

i'm in your boat. i don't know who everyone even is, who i am a lot of the time, why exactly this has happened, if i am right about what i think i know about any of it, and all "alter activity" is mostly intrusive and fleeting. i feel like what she expects from you is several steps ahead of where you are in your recovery. right now in my therapy i am still in the stage of even accepting i have the disorder, and learning who my parts are, and how to communicate with them on the most basic of levels. this is also a new diagnosis for you so she is expecting you to move very fast.

i would be kind of upset if my therapist pressured me to use "we/us" pronouns and emphasized the "plurality" thing. my therapist has been really gentle with me about the DID and letting me talk out my doubts with her and do things on my own terms, including making the diagnosis an official one after the provisional UDD diagnosis, which i had for many months as we discussed the DID, and invites me to use terms that i'm most comfortable with. she is patient even when i disagree with her about things, like what is possible in the disorder, what is fact and fiction.

currently i prefer to use first person singular and third person pronouns, "i" and "she/they" rather than "we," and usually "parts" rather than "alters." i just feel more comfortable with that right now, it's a process to come to terms with it and not an easy one, esp with the social media problem and "plurality" becoming a hip new identity for lost young people. my therapist like beanee's respects my process as i try to navigate.

i feel like in addition to not being respectful of your time, your therapist is really not respectful or empathetic of how scary and difficult this is. like on existential and conceptual levels, as well as the emotional level, it is very hard. and it comes with shame that you can't just suddenly get over and start "embracing plurality." i hope that you can find someone who is able to meet you where you are at and really help you. i don't understand how she is such an expert and can get so much wrong.

 

[beaneeboo]

.

i feel like in addition to not being respectful of your time, your therapist is really not respectful or empathetic of how scary and difficult this is. like on existential and conceptual levels, as well as the emotional level, it is very hard. and it comes with shame that you can't just suddenly get over and start "embracing plurality." i hope that you can find someone who is able to meet you where you are at and really help you. i don't understand how she is such an expert and can get so much wrong.

This 1000000000 % !!

(Sorry I'll pipe down now @Midnightmoon!).

 

[Midnightmoon]

[Deleted massive rant]
You don’t have to refer to yourself as ‘we’. I’m aware that’s the current trend in some social media circles.

DID is a mental illness. It’s not gender. It’s not sexual preference. It’s an illness.

It will likely impact your self concept. But it’s something you have, not who you are.

And although, initially, therapy will likely sharpen the lines that exist between your alters, the ultimate goal is to end up with a stronger, more coherent sense of self, more capable of functioning as a single person (because you are).

There may be (often horrible) times when you feel like different people coexisting in the same body. You aren’t. And you aren’t obliged to identify any differently just because you have a certain mental illness.

[Delete, delete, delete…!] This T is really unimpressive.

God @Sideways thank you, I'd favourite this 1000x over if I could. Thank goodness for peer support from people who get it, even if I have a T that doesn't...

 

[Midnightmoon]

and I don't watch any anymore, except for Carolyn Spring)....

When you've got chance check out her latest one about insecure attachment and the trigger that holds over you in therapy and in the room. It's like 1000% what we've both said about the experience of being present in person holds both terror and healing. I love her stuff.

and all "alter activity" is mostly intrusive and fleeting.

right now in my therapy i am still in the stage of even accepting i have the disorder, and learning who my parts are, and how to communicate with them on the most basic of levels

This sounds very similar to where I am at mentally, but my T is quite forcefully trying to get me to accept a disorder that I had no clue I had at the beginning of the year. You are so right in your observation of this, I just hadn't quite grasped it myself. It's a huge huge label to get my head around and atm there's lots of avoidance and doubt and confusion. Totally get it with the experience of fleeting activity inside..I describe it to T like it's floating on the horizon, and as I get close it disappears under the water again and I cant find it or recall what it even was, just a sense of something being there. Apparently I switch infront of T, she'll tell me that often, but I then shut down as it feels so exposing. I've asked her not to mention if it happens at this stage, but again that's fallen on deaf ears...

currently i prefer to use first person singular and third person pronouns, "i" and "she/they" rather than "we," and usually "parts" rather than "alters."

Yep, also use parts, again it feels more comfy, T replies they are alters....

plurality" becoming a hip new identity for lost young people.

This is a concern for me too, I'm fortunately not in the YP bracket but it still bothers me...

i hope that you can find someone who is able to meet you where you are at and really help you.

Thank you, this stuff helps, it really helps