Two very different options and stuck between

[Ecdysis]

Maybe tell her you have parts that can't handle the email checking and eating... Maybe as a "DID specialist" that will make her sit up and notice

I think I'd be ditching her, but I get that you have limited options...

 

[Sideways]

asking why her tending to her private matters regarding her health and making sure she was looking after herself was an issue for me.

There’s no problem with her doing these things outside your appointment times. During your appointment times, there is a very obvious problem with her attending to ‘private matters’.

Irrespective of how she frames it, it’s unlikely that you will be her first patient to take issue with that.

 

[beaneeboo]

Hi @Midnightmoon .. I've been away for a bit but I'm just catching up with this thread now... sorry you have to put up with this therapist bullshit with both 1 and 2! Others have already said it, but again, you really do deserve better...

I'm just wondering where you're at with it now? Not sure if you're still looking for opinions on it all but I think continuing your search for another therapist maybe where your energy is well spent... therapist 1 has poor understanding of the therapeutic relationship and importance of building and maintaining trust...especially as a DID specialist what she did isn't acceptable. I personally would find it so hard to continue with someone like this after her response to seeing to her own private issues in your session time, then manipulating the situation to make it look like the issue is you having a problem with it, not her doing it in the first place. BUT that really is just me and not you, so you may have found a way around it... I think when options are really low and the only other choice is ditching the therapist, maybe it calls for all cards on the table really truthfully. I know I'd struggle with that though, so not saying it's easy.

With option 2, did you ask specifically what risks she is worried about and to see the reasoning of her risk analysis?

I'm so sorry for both these experiences- I've had the fallout from both as well. With the one who said in session 1 she could spot dissociation a mile away (and was an expert in it) in session 1 to then in session 5 (after hearing a bit more from me and taking money for x amount of sessions) she then told me (not at the beginning but at the end of session) she didn't have the skills to manage my issues. I was really hurt by it. But also got angry and ended up calling the BACP for advice and they supported me in getting my money back from her for misleading me in the last session and for sessions paid for which I then couldn't use because she cancelled the contract.

So I know how messy it feels and I'm sending support. You deserve so much better.

One last question - why is therapist 1 offering a low discount rate if he works for 2 of the DID specialist centres in the UK? Because you're seeing him privately? Have you had the option of being assessed for therapy for free (NHS funded) by one of the centres? You can self refer to do this with most. I'm really sorry if we've been over this and I've forgotten (I know we've touched on said subject before), my amnesia is pretty bad atm.

Keep going... you will get there with finding someone... just tiring and a pain to do so...

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm just wondering where you're at with it now?

Unfortunately it's still pretty much the same, some of the practices are very very odd, like last session was conducted by her with her feet up resting back on a sofa holding the phone out outstretched with it wobbling about in her arm for the hour...

I feel very stuck, and then ashamed that the one person who will put up with me I don't want.... Like I know I'm a pain in the backside why I can't I just be grateful. If I had more choices I'd of stopped a long time ago but my options seem very limited

I think when options are really low and the only other choice is ditching the therapist, maybe it calls for all cards on the table really truthfully

Like you I communicate better via email, I struggle verbally in therapy. Old T really welcomed this and used email to help provide content for sessions. New T really doesn't, she'll let me email, but won't mention a thing about it unless I do, which I often can't as I need that bridge.

did you ask specifically what risks she is worried about

She said lack of support network and 'parts of you that are clearly needing to be known that are not yet safe to be known'. I didn't follow what that meant but the upshot was she wasn't taking me on. This was hard as I had paid a couple of hundred for an extended assessment appointment, again to be told no

I've had the fallout from both as well.

I'm sorry that's an awful, awful way to practice. I'm glad BACP managed to help with the money but that's not the point, it's the emotional investment that hurts the most, the damage it causes by being told, again, that you are 'too much'

why is therapist 1 offering a low discount rate if he works for 2 of the DID specialist centres in the UK?

Yeah, so I have avoided any medical care for 5 ISH years, no GP, no meds, nothing. I'm terrified of it all. (Really shitty and inconvenient trauma response there) Which means even looking at a picture of an NHS building sends me into a discociative mess. So approaching the GP/ ICB for funding is currently a complete no. My only option is private pay but on disability benefits this isn't easy. I get a very reduced rate, which again makes me feel guilty that I'm moaning about what happens in session. The plan is eventually to work on applying but I don't feel safe with her at all at the minute, I can't see how I'll ever be in a place to allow myself to trust enough to be vulnerable to be able to do that...

Keep going... you will get there

Thank you, it's such a process huh

 

[beaneeboo]

Oh @Midnightmoon ! Sending hugs if you want them!

Unfortunately it's still pretty much the same, some of the practices are very very odd, like last session was conducted by her with her feet up resting back on a sofa holding the phone out outstretched with it wobbling about in her arm for the hour...

ok, don't want to make this about me, but currently feeling really cross for you right now... just no.... nope... this is unprofessional (given the other stuff you've told us too)...

i feel very stuck, and then ashamed that the one person who will put up with me I don't want....

gonna break this down gently...

I can totally see why you feel stuck... this is so understandable...

But

She is not putting up with you.... you are her client and she should be working for you, compassionately, to help you... at then moment, it seems more like you have to put up with her!

Do you feel she's putting up with you? As in, is that how SHE is making you feel, by how she interacts with you? Or in what she says? This is important I feel because if that dynamic is coming from her, it needs to be out on the table and addressed. Or you can look more closely and decide whether this is what you want.

Where do you think the shame is coming from? It's your right to not like how she behaves in session, and to question that. There's nothing wrong in that (either internally or externally). Addressing it is, I know, hard (would be for me too), but your feelings are your feelings and they aren't wrong. Sometimes when we've not learned to express concerns and what we're not happy with in childhood, it can feel like there's something wrong with us when we dislike something in a relationship as adults. Especially if you've been made to feel shame expressing your feelings when you were young.

Like I know I'm a pain in the backside why I can't I just be grateful.

How do you know this? If this is coming from a place of being rejected so many times from other therapists, then that shows more either their lack of confidence or willingness or just them putting down boundaries to their scope of practice. Although being turned away is really hard (and I'm sorry you have been), at the end of the day you don't want people working with you on your life who ultimately don't have the skill set...

but just because new T does, doesn't mean that you have to have her if she's displaying behaviour you find unacceptable (and i would too!)

If I had more choices I'd of stopped a long time ago but my options seem very limited

yes I'm really sorry you're in this situation

Like you I communicate better via email, I struggle verbally in therapy.

100% hear you and feel you on this one

Old T really welcomed this and used email to help provide content for sessions. New T really doesn't, she'll let me email, but won't mention a thing about it unless I do, which I often can't as I need that bridge.

....Have you said to her that initiating convo can be really difficult for you - maybe almost as difficult as briming it up in therapy without introducing it by email first? Have you asked if it's possible for her to initiate and then you decide whether to talk about the topic or not? Could that work?

She said lack of support network and 'parts of you that are clearly needing to be known that are not yet safe to be known'.

Well, there could be something in this.. but what. does. she. mean??? Does she mean your parts aren't safe to be known? Or that she herself can't provide the skills required to explore the work you need to do to explore more of your inner world? Again i feel angry for you!! This feels like very little explanation...

Are you tempted to contact her and ask her what she's talking about? And what does she mean your parts aren't safe? What is her concern about what could happen?? Urgh! I really feel clinicians need to take accountability for explaining their reasoning properly...

you're within your rights to ask...

not saying you should obviously that's your choice...

Yeah, so I have avoided any medical care for 5 ISH years, no GP, no meds, nothing. I'm terrified of it all. (Really shitty and inconvenient trauma response there)

Totally makes sense given your history (what little I know)

Which means even looking at a picture of an NHS building sends me into a discociative mess. So approaching the GP/ ICB for funding is currently a complete no.

So could you ask for a home visit with a GP to discuss? Or a remote session? Could you ask for an initial phone consultation to explain that you have a your medical trauma history and therefore can't come in but you need to urgently discuss access to mental health support (either a home or remotely)?

My reason being is, if the GP can do a referral to a dissociative disorder clinic as a result of that meeting you have with them, (maybe a clinic your new T isn't a part of if you're worried about that), you can potentially (if there's funding) get an assessment/ therapy remotely through them... I know it's not face to face, and we know the downsides to that, but maybe with another therapist who isn't behaving oddly, it could work better for you.

Do you have a DID assessment / diagnosis already made by new T? Do you have a report? If so that may help the GP do a referral to one of the clinics.

If the GP says to try a local service first, maybe consider it if they do remote working? You can also say (as per your new T) it needs to be specialist DID / DD therapy service... You can also say you want to choose the clinic of your choice through NHS Patient Choice (look it up. It's your right to say where you want to be treated in the UK. If you have good reasoning about this, then the GP should listen to that. Which you do - a history of medical trauma, leading to a phobia of physicaly visiting NHS buildings, a diagnosis(or pendingdiagnosis) of DID which needs specialist input, which you can only find at said services in UK).

I know it's a long shot... but it's a shot..

I also think it's your right to write to new T and tell her you don't think the relationship is working for you and you'd like a referral to one of the clinics from her...I know I know... that sounds really hard to do... and I would find it hard too... but this is your life... it's really important you don't do therapy with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable...

My only option is private pay but on disability benefits this isn't easy.

Of course...

get a very reduced rate, which again makes me feel guilty that I'm moaning about what happens in session.

Please don't feel guilt ... this isn't on you at all... it really isn't...

The plan is eventually to work on applying but I don't feel safe with her at all at the minute

You mean applying for therapy with her through one of these clinics she works for...?

, I can't see how I'll ever be in a place to allow myself to trust enough to be vulnerable to be able to do that...

Need to keep looking MM...I can see how tiring this is but you really do deserve better... and you don't need to settle for a T who doesn't make you feel safe.. that's not going to do your healing any good... and putting a boundary down for yourself, though really challenging, could be really beneficial to you...

Can you inform yourself of your options more? Can you contact one of the clinics separately and ask for ideas re options your searching?

Thank you, it's such a process huh

Sorry I've totally bombarded you...I just feel strongly about the position you're in...I don't want to overwhelm you or cross a line with my opinions...

Keep going!! You're doing amazingly especially given all these hurdles... you're basically She-Ra !!

Take good care of yourself...

 

[Midnightmoon]

just no.... nope... this is unprofessional

I think this consistent message from people here help, because I came into it thinking I was just been a bit dramatic and needed to cope with it better. That only amplified when she questioned why it was an issue for me when I tried to explain...

She is not putting up with you....

Or in what she says?

Yeah, so it feels she is putting up with me... there are elements of 'no one else said yes, but I have', which she has said in a round about way a few times, I think trying to reassure but makes me feel awful!

Her presentation in session doesn't help, being consistently 30 mins plus late and then no acknowledgement/apology that I'm sitting waiting getting really stressed, eating bowls of food as I'm trying to talk, changing and canceling and short notice. My brain takes all this evidence as that she doesn't want to be there... Or is there for the wrong reasons.

Where do you think the shame is coming from?

Ah, the joy that is shame. Everything and anything?! I think in this circumstance it feels I have no right to complain. No one else will have me, my old T got sick of me and told me to go. I have nil social support, not one friend etc. So again, my brain takes this as evidence that I'm a vile excuse of a human being and really I should be thanking my lucky stars that someone will tolerate me...

this is coming from a place of being rejected so many times from other therapists

Yes, very very possible. It's exhausting, you build up stamina to contact a few and then it's the highly depressing process of being told over and over that you are too complex...and to try a specialist. I approach specialists and even they run for the hills!

asked if it's possible for her to initiate

I've asked, and she won't, because she doesn't believe it's helpful for me...

but what. does. she. mean???

Option 2 knew I had CPTSD and DID, she's skilled in those areas, not to the same level as one as less practice time but has written books on dissociation.....so she knows what's shes doing! She offered a plan, and then met me face to face and then retracted her offer (I dissociated the whole session, couldn't recall a thing) and god that hurts. Like when you see me in all my messy glory you change your mind. And still, still my brain goes, I'm not even that bad?! Like I'm not ever valid to have a diagnosis of CPTSD let alone DID, argh! I can't contact, one thing I'm very good at is as soon as someone says go, I go, and I don't hassle them again.... Even old T, 2.5 years, so sad to essentially be told to get out and not contact. So I did, but good grief my world fell apart for a few months.

home visit with a GP to discuss?

Unfortunately I can't even get to this stage, even ringing to make an appointment is hugely triggering and I run. Old T was working on being able to do appointments together, something that new T wants to do but I really, really need to be able to trust to allow that to happen and I just can't atm.

You mean applying for therapy with her through one of these clinics she works for...?

Yep, that's the master plan....that she applies to have funding directly. There's no report, I'd have to have one done first, she doesn't feel the need at this stage as I can't engage with the questions.

inform yourself of your options more?

This is definitely where I'm trying to put my energy, brick walls are hard... All three clinics are currently NHS referral only and the therapist I've found that work with DID are +++ over budget.. Charities won't take me, which I understand, I think I'm a bit beyond 12 sessions of counselling

Sorry I've totally bombarded you...I just feel strongly about the position you're in...I don't want to overwhelm you or cross a line with my opinions...

You've not bombarded at all. Thank you for caring

 

[beaneeboo]

@Midnightmoon I'm so sorry, you have so much to contend with... let me get my initial thoughts down before they go...

1) I feel there is a power differential going on between new T and you. So many behaviours of hers that you've outlined on this thread, are totally unacceptable as a T - and now we add constantly turning up late without acknowledgement or apology to the list! Another complete no no! I don't know how she is practising like this.

The fact she acknowledges other therapists haven't taken you on is insensitive and unprofessional and imo adds to this power differential. Especially when this is someone who is taking control of getting funding by a clinic FOR HER to be your long term therapist through that clinic. There is naturally a conflict of interest there and she should be giving you the option of seeing another therapist through that clinic.

If she can get funding without you having to go through the assessment process with the new clinic, you by pass the opportunity to choose another therapist. It's completely in your right to ask to see what other options at available to you and she should be laying this option out for you.

You can ask her for a report post assessment. And she shouldn't question this.

Just to give my experience of going through clinic by asking my GP- from going into my GP to assessment to having my first session, it took 10 weeks.... and I could have started sooner. I was assessed max 6/ 7weeks from initial contact with the clinic... Keep an eye on the time frame because whilst you're waiting, she's earning from your sessions (even if it is reduced rate). You should be receiving copies of correspondence from the clinic, including assessment dates (even if you have an assessment already they will be giving you a partial assessment), letters regarding start times and a report of the work you'll be doing together and why. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE CLIENT, THIS YOUR INFORMATION AND THE SERVICE NEEDS TO BE TRANSPARENT about what services you receive when and how. It's your right and your need to be kept in the loop.

So if you're not receiving any information at all, and you can engage with this question with new T, email the clinic yourself (ask that correspondence to be kept confidential) and ask where things are at in the process.

I think this consistent message from people here help, because I came into it thinking I was just been a bit dramatic and needed to cope with it better.

nope NOT AT ALL you being dramatic.. listen to what others are saying... just because you have trauma doesn't mean when you pick up on something you don't like that you're wrong... I've been in your position with a therapist who had similar vibes to yours, and it took me nearly a year to stand up for myself regarding issues. I ended up leaving as she got more and more ridiculous. And it was hard but a good thing.

Yeah, so it feels she is putting up with me... there are elements of 'no one else said yes, but I have', which she has said in a round about way a few times, I think trying to reassure but makes me feel awful!

Of course... this is sensitive ground for he to tread and she should really be giving you the additional option of helping you look for other Ts through the clinic

Her presentation in session doesn't help, being consistently 30 mins plus late and then no acknowledgement/apology that I'm sitting waiting getting really stressed, eating bowls of food as I'm trying to talk, changing and canceling and short notice. My brain takes all this evidence as that she doesn't want to be there... Or is there for the wrong reasons.

Write a list of everything you find difficult about her and how she engages and the unprofessional behaviour- do this for yourself to see it in black and white...

Ah, the joy that is shame. Everything and anything?!

I hear you!

I think in this circumstance it feels I have no right to complain.

You have every right... just like anyone else

No one else will have me, my old T got sick of me and told me to go. I have nil social support, not one friend etc. So again, my brain takes this as evidence that I'm a vile excuse of a human being and really I should be thanking my lucky stars that someone will tolerate me...

So this is such ripe feeding ground for your inner critic... the truth seems to be however that you've had a run of therapists who aren't capable... and it's really unfortunate... I'm sorry you've had this experience... you deserve better...

Yes, very very possible. It's exhausting, you build up stamina to contact a few and then it's the highly depressing process of being told over and over that you are too complex...and to try a specialist. I approach specialists and even they run for the hills!

So hard, upsetting and disappointing

Option 2 knew I had CPTSD and DID, she's skilled in those areas, not to the same level as one as less practice time but has written books on dissociation.....so she knows what's shes doing! She offered a plan, and then met me face to face and then retracted her offer (I dissociated the whole session, couldn't recall a thing) and god that hurts. Like when you see me in all my messy glory you change your mind. And still, still my brain goes, I'm not even that bad?! Like I'm not ever valid to have a diagnosis of CPTSD let alone DID, argh! I can't contact, one thing I'm very good at is as soon as someone says go, I go, and I don't hassle them again.... Even old T, 2.5 years, so sad to essentially be told to get out and not contact. So I did, but good grief my world fell apart for a few months.

And I can understand why... as people here have said, you really do deserve much more

Unfortunately I can't even get to this stage, even ringing to make an appointment is hugely triggering and I run.

I see...I can see its a massive barrier for you... you should be able to make an appointment online now (most GP surgeries you can). Though I'm guessing this may be too triggering too?

Can you ask your carer to do it for you, either by phone or online? You should have the option of home visit or online. You can keep it vague with the carer - tell her you're unable to go into clinic (getting there is physically impossible) and you need an appointment to discuss mental health.

Would having a home visit be OK?

Yep, that's the master plan....that she applies to have funding directly. There's no report, I'd have to have one done first, she doesn't feel the need at this stage as I can't engage with the questions.

I see... I can see how difficult it is. And wen you don't want to engage. I can see how advocating for yourself in all this is very difficult. I still think you're doing incredibly. But, T doesn't get to decide whether you do or don't need the report. This is your info and your right to have this info. With this report, you'd be able to show it (eventually) to another professional, which may help in the process with referral to a clinic. So it's important and powerful to have.

My only other suggestion is for you to email her, requesting it. You don't have to say why - it's your right. You can also stipulate you don't want to discuss in session time as you don't want it to take up time. If she refuses this info, that's a major red flag.

This is definitely where I'm trying to put my energy, brick walls are hard... All three clinics are currently NHS referral only and the therapist I've found that work with DID are +++ over budget.. Charities won't take me, which I understand, I think I'm a bit beyond 12 sessions of counselling

Yep, i can understand your position. Ok, how about mailing the clinic, which new T doesn't work for, and asking them for advice on how to access them, if going getting an NHS referral is a major trigger and currently impossible. See if they have suggestions?

You've not bombarded at all. Thank you for caring

Ok good..

If at any time it's too much - as I'm aware I'm kind of going off on one here - let me know and I'll back off...

Have a nice day

 

[Midnightmoon]

into my GP to assessment to having my first session, it took 10 weeks.... and I could have started sooner.

I am amazed to hear that it was that speedy! It's really, really hard to find info online, and the very limited bits of stuff I am finding it talks about a virtually impossible process which takes months if not years of fighting with the ICB. I just don't have the energy to beg which is what initially put me off. Your experience sounds far more of an achievable goal, I'm sure it wasn't without difficulty... And I guess having a supportive GP is such a factor in that (guessing they are if they did the referral?!)

New T has, in a round about way, sort of explained clinic options but I struggle to retain the info. I have asked, and asked, and asked for her to write it to me so I can process it in my own time, and as many parts can chip in as needed, but as of yet (3 months and counting) still nothing.

New T also insists on referring to me as plural, which I cannot stand. I get for many people with DID using 'we' is appropriate, but I've told her and told her and told her please stop with the 'everyone' line of communication, but she won't. It just makes me prickle in defensiveness but now I've stopped asking all together, there doesn't seem much point.

The GP at the minute is my main brick wall. If I can overcome that suddenly a few more options open up to me. There is no support available to help me engage, it's only new T. So I thought if I could trust her that could open that door. It's been maybe 5 months now, I don't know how long I leave it before I conclude I can't trust. But walking away feels terrifying because then the one thread of 'support' I have is gone.

Approaching the clinics myself, I didn't know I was 'allowed' TBH, I just sort of guessed they'd tell me to go to my GP, and if I can't do that, then sorry but they can't help.

I've stayed clear of writing a diary on here because again it panics me and again I feel absolutely ridiculous even putting myself in a 'trauma' bracket (yeah, acceptance is definitely not an acquired skill yet) but maybe it would help get this stuff down more. God knows.

 

[No More]

Just a thought, sometimes private GP’s can refer into the nhs, depending on which service. Would that potentially be an option to bypass the nhs gp?

 

[Midnightmoon]

Just a thought, sometimes private GP’s can refer into the nhs, depending on which service. Would that potentially be an option to bypass the nhs gp?

A good point that I haven't even considered, I wonder if they'd be in a position to refer.... Not that I could suddenly engage with that but it might be a more achievable goal

 

[Charbella]

Have you considered screen shots of some of these odd behaviors then creating a dummy email and sending them to the clinics? If shes doing it for everyone they should know, if it’s just you then maybe she should explain herself. I just can’t see any of it being perceived as professional, maybe the clinic will then decide to make room for you based on the maltreatment.

 

[beaneeboo]

I am amazed to hear that it was that speedy!

I was too... really shocked...i was expecting the GP to refuse. But i had an online consultation with the dissociative disorder clinic director back in September to explain my situation, that i had a diagnosis, but i didn't accept it, but did need help. Asked for opinion on whether he thought the clinic could help. He said definitely.

I then went through all my perceived barriers to being able to get funding (as you know, it's a post code lottery) and he went through each one with me and provided ideas for potential solutions in the referral process. It was off the back of this that I then was more confidence to apply.

So I'm wondering if you could try to organise the same kind of thing and discuss your situation with them to see if they have more suggestions of ways around your issues?

Like @No More suggested, maybe a private GP could help with this. Could you email the clinic you're interested in and just ask if they accept referrals from private practitioners?

s really, really hard to find info online, and the very limited bits of stuff I am finding it talks about a virtually impossible process which takes months if not years of fighting with the ICB.

I think it depends on where you are/ where you live and possibly the understanding of the GP. Your impression was my first impression too. But that wasn't the case for me.

i think it does depend on alot of factors though re the process time so its impossible to predict.

I just don't have the energy to beg which is what initially put me off. Your experience sounds far more of an achievable goal, I'm sure it wasn't without difficulty... And I guess having a supportive GP is such a factor in that (guessing they are if they did the referral?!)

I have a GP who I've known for a decade. But, she knew nothing about my dissociation or dissociative disorder (only that I has CPTSD) until I brought her the OSDD diagnosis report into her office this February. When I needed time off work in the past, I lealead to believe it was anxiety and that was what I was signed off for. But she didn't know anything about the DD.

She was amenable to the idea of referring me in Feb to the clinic when I went in because I HANDED THE REPORT OF THE ASSESSMENT DIAGNOSIS from 7 years ago. (When it was done 7 years ago i refused to have it on my records). That's why I think you need the assessment report from your new T with the diagnosis. Or, if it's not a completed process yet, whatever supporting documentation she can give you. It will make the process so much easier for you.

new T has, in a round about way, sort of explained clinic options but I struggle to retain the info. I have asked, and asked, and asked for her to write it to me so I can process it in my own time, and as many parts can chip in as needed, but as of yet (3 months and counting) still nothing.

Unacceptable!

I know this is really tiring, frustrating, upsetting and you just don't want to engage anymore with it with T.... but... she's not doing her job properly... and unless you start to really knock on her door for these things, this situation doesn't sound like it's going anywhere. In my mind, she is being obstructive to you moving forward.

Can you keep writing to her and ask when she will get it to you?

New T also insists on referring to me as plural, which I cannot stand. I get for many people with DID using 'we' is appropriate, but I've told her and told her and told her please stop with the 'everyone' line of communication, but she won't. It just makes me prickle in defensiveness but now I've stopped asking all together, there doesn't seem much point.

Uggghhh!!! Arrrggghhĥ!!!

Omg this T is making my blood boil...!

So I'm at the stage where on one level, I've accepted 7 years of therapy (with non DD professionals) over a 20 year time frame, hasn't addressed my issues in the way that maybe able to be addressed by a DD specialist... that's why I went to the clinic to ask for advice on whether they thought they could help. Because even though I can't accept even still now that I have a DD (I know the may sound weird to some), I can accept that 20 years later, and 7 years of therapy down the line, I'm still struggling and unable to work and have dissociative symptoms. Fine. So I go into therapy with the new T and I tell him, look, I'm struggling accepting that I have a DD, even though I've been referred for DD therapy. And essentially I can't even really easily talk about parts which I'm convinced alot of the time I don't have. And I won't see myself as plural.

His response? That's fine. Let's use whatever terms you want to call yourself. And he asks me if it's ok to say parts or states or elements of myself. Etc. He is being careful about how to work around this issue - a big one for him as he needs to do his work based on the idea thar I am plural. And I'm refusing to see myself as such.. But he is respecting where I'm at with it now. And responding to it with care. If he were to push me on that, I'd probably be leaving.

I hope this gives you another idea of how professionals can respond to this issue... and imo, how they should respond. How your T should be responding as a DD SPECIALIST.

The GP at the minute is my main brick wall.

Yes I agree with you completely. If you can sort this, there may be more avenues for you.

There is no support available to help me engage, it's only new T.

And this is why the behaviour she's demonstrating (including not providing you with the info you need which is rightfully yours) is alarming to me, because she knows your position. And this means there is a power differential.

So I thought if I could trust her that could open that door. It's been maybe 5 months now, I don't know how long I leave it before I conclude I can't trust. But walking away feels terrifying because then the one thread of 'support' I have is gone.

Oh @Midnightmoon ! I completely understand and I think anyone here would feel exactly as you do now in your position... I really do feel if you can write an email to her and be REALLY frank about where you're at (you need a report, you want to explore other on going therapy options) as hard as that is, it's the best way. She can't deny you that info, or helping you with signposting etc. She's not allowed to. If she doesn't respond well, you can at that point contact the BACP and ask for advice re how to handle it.

I agree with @Charbella about keeping evidence of sorts on her conduct could be helpful later on.

Approaching the clinics myself, I didn't know I was 'allowed' TBH, I just sort of guessed they'd tell me to go to my GP, and if I can't do that, then sorry but they can't help.

That may well be the case because that is as far as I know the only route (GP referral).... and I know they aren't allowed to be seen too much to be coaching you towards getting services off them due to conflict of interest... but you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to approach them. And I would really encourage you to see if you can afford a one off consultation with one of them to explain EVERYTHING and see if they can help getting around all your barriers to assessment.

I've stayed clear of writing a diary on here because again it panics me and again I feel absolutely ridiculous even putting myself in a 'trauma' bracket (yeah, acceptance is definitely not an acquired skill yet)

i think lots of people here initially feel like that... lots of people start a diary and don't discuss anything to do with their trauma. Can be what you need it to be. For instance, reflection on T sessions or anything really. You can also start a private diary where no one else can see what you write.

for me writing her has helped me process alot.

but maybe it would help get this stuff down more. God knows.

See how you feel about it ..