Two+ Years Of Chaos, No Trust

[whiteraven]

Ok, so today I had my first day back in two weeks, and I really had no idea how even to approach it because over the holidays (or hollow-days, as someone so perfectly put it) was so absolutely terrible. But he did the most awesome thing with the bad feeling I was having. We did a meditation and we looked at it and figured out where it was in my body (all over) and then he asked me to think back to when I was younger and might have had that same feeling. It was a very interesting (and intense) kind of meditation, and brought up a lot of very deep feelings. I've been feeling better today. And just grateful for that. Taking one day at a time right now. Trying to remember to stay mindful..

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@JadesJewel Thank you! Yes, this forum has been a godsend. I haven't been able to...

Me too @whiteraven when speaking with others that do not have ptsd they do not understand all the scary intricacies nor do they understand the symptoms we deal with and it's like talking in a foreign language to them (their facial expressions - they seem perplexed and unable to grasp intense at times and severe complexities regarding ptsd. I left out and will be brief here about this experience at a local psych. ward/hospital where I self-admitted back in I believe '92 or '93. I self-admitted for I was whacked out of my mind.

This guy who had been in a tractor accident was on our psych. ward floor and he got loose from nurse. One female patient he put a pillow over head and tried to suffocate her; then he went in another patient's room and masturbated and ejaculated in floor in her room; he then came into my room and touched me on my leg and I screamed he ran out. I was beyond cooked mentally at this point, and I told the psychiatrist (I have never had any good experience with any psychiatrist although I know there are good ones out there) in a meeting with staff nurses present that I was beyond enraged that nurse let this guy out of her cross hairs (sight) and that he set about with his severe head injury to physically harm female patients on ward. We that evening went up to get our meds at station, and were made to walk back (after this happened) by ourselves in a dimly lit hallway. Horrifying experience. Wickedly horrible nightmare come true experience and I just remembered this awful experience last night while looking through old journals. While on ward, this young woman walked up to me and said she was being transferred to another facility, and handed me - a green marble. I still have it. She was fried as I was and I have cried many nights over her, I did not know her, yet looking in her lost sad empty eyes, I felt I had known her forever. So grateful where I am now compared to then. Yet, I am not comfortable, nor will I get comfortable. Always in recovery, learning, changing, growing two steps forward, one perhaps more steps back, yet I will never give up. xoxo JadesJewel

 

[whiteraven]

oh @JadesJewel, that's such a sad and scary story. it really angers me that we go through so much, only to have to put up with so much more from our caregivers. *hugs* if you will accept them.