Relationship Ugghh, Tough Question To Ask... Having Children With A Ptsd Suffer

[Tifanee]

Thanks JohnJohn for sharing. My goal is to always keep everyone's best interest to heart, but have me and my daughter as my priority. I hear you when you talk about the struggle and what that means for your daughter, as well as the additional responsiblities this puts on you.

My ex was a challenge to reconnect with emotionally and I always felt I had to change to be someone he would/could love more in order to get affection or consideration, and I always assumed more responsiblity for our daughter and he always got the fun times. I worked my tail off and lost myself in trying to make that relationship work. Needless to say, I've learned that lesson and never want to be consummed by a relationship again.

My new relationship, this man has a strong sense of service, a true gentlemen, is a partner in the household, and doesn't want to change a hair on my head. This is the man I fell in love with. During the bad days, he is self-focused, grumpy, and mean. My gut tells me that over time if there were more children in the house, they would get all the kindness during the bad days and i would get the ugliness. He would be like your wife, he could tolerate the fun light hearted times but disappear during the tougher life stuff. I'm not okay with the ugliness but I think I could be okay with the balance as long as he supported my decisions and didn't contradict my parenting. Regardless of PTSD, not everyone is cut out to be a disciplinarian or know how to talk about important issues. He does have a way of talking that brings fun and a simpleness to the environment.

I know he doesn't intend to be mean, but he does recognize that a child shouldn't be a target of your bad day or episode...I just need for him to see that I shouldn't be a target either. All in all, before there can be more children I need for him to be more of a functioning partner and handling his symtoms better. If that can't happen, then I need to make a big girl decision of my own.

 

[Tifanee]

I hear you Eleanor, thank you for sharing. The more I learn and understand of PTSD, the more I realize what a debilitating "disorder" it is and how life altering it is for the sufferer as well as those loved ones around him/her. I even see mild PTSD in my ex which explains so much of our issues. The withdraw, avoidance, and depression can be like a ticking time bomb for a romantic relationship, friendship, or professional relationship.

I thank you all for sharing your story with me, I am hopeful for the best outcome but eyes wide open to the potential outcome.

 

[Tinyflame]

Tifanee, I don't think anyone can guess what the future holds, but they can go by the present.

I do not think a person managing their ptsd would be any 'less' of a parent, but that being said it's only fair to a child to try to have 2 parents contributing (and sharing) the needs and joys (if there are 2 parents existing).

I did not choose to have children more so not because I was afraid I wouldn't or couldn't have given them much (including stability), however I did fear remaining in the relationships I was in, I could forsee 'fleeing' at some point from a partner (children-in-tow). Partly a likely reality/ necessity, partly because of my own ptsd.

I understand, much later in life, the men I chose would not have been non-abusive. Also they were cold, not kind. It was 'handy', when one doesn't want or need to address the ptsd. But in terms of having children, a terrible recipe for sorrow.
I think you need 2 capable and mature partners, who care for each other, to enable the person with ptsd to be the parent they hope to be.

JMHO, of course.