Unable To Deal With Anger, Loss Of Words, Anxiety, Therapy...

[disconnect]

I'm sorry if this is really all over the place - I'm having problems with expressing myself properly tonight. I'll do my best.

My pysch is suggesting I attempt to address the anger I feel about previous physical and sexual abuse in my childhood. I've always had a problem with expressing anger. I either bottle it up or take it out on myself. I've always been conditioned to be terrified of anger, because of the reprecussions it causes and so when faced with anger, I literally shut down. It's like someone's taken my vocal chords - I try to say something, but I cannot make any sounds, or say what I mean. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like knowing what to say, but not knowing at the same time. Trying to speak, but not being able to. The words getting stuck in your throat. I don't know. I go empty. I link that a lot with anxiety. When the anger overwhelms me, I cry and I have a panic attack. I get frustrated because I can't express myself in the way I want, so I swallow it down, because I can't deal with it.

I'm meant to be writing down how I feel about who did these things to me, but I can't find the words. I literally want to burst into tears right now, or self harm, because I can't get it out of me. I hate being so terrified all the time. I live in a near-constant state of panic. I'm angry. I'm terrified. I'm damaged. I don't know.

 

[Iam]

I am sorry Disconnect. Feeling terrified, angry and damaged all the time is exhausting isn't it? I told my husband this morning that I hate myself for feeling so terrified all the time.

Anger makes me freeze too, especially someone else's. I actually rarely feel anger, though my T says it's there. Anger terrifies me so I'm pretty good a stuffing it right away so I don't explode, but when I can't.....watch out!

It sounds like you have a good T who is helping you identify how you feel. I understand about not being able to find the words. Could you maybe draw a picture of how you feel? I've heard that helps to orginize your thoughts around feelings that you just can't verbalize.

I think you are extremely brave to be working on this. It takes so much courage and you are doing it. That is an inspiration to me, so thanks for posting this.

 

[TLight]

My biggest problem is feelings, especially anger. If I'm overwhelmed with concern for someone, frustrated over something, or feeling helpless and scared......it all comes out as anger. Sometimes I have 'rage storms' and the only thing I can do is to tell those around me to 'leave me alone!' Then I crawl into a ball and go into a deep scary depression where all I can think about is hurting myself and ending this once and for all.

I try to cope with this when it comes along. Just recognizing it is a huge accomplishment. I figure when it starts if I can somehow get alone and in a safe place (bed, woods), then I can roll up and induldge in some fantansy stuff that makes me feel more in control.......like killing my abusers or torturing them as I am tortured now. I sort of just allow my head to induldge in those thoughts and it seems to ease the anger. The other thoughts that help are just thoughts of death......and we know where that can lead. So instead I go with the revenge mode.

I don't know if this is really healthy. Probably not.....but it gets me through my 'episodes' so I don't take it out on me or anyone around me. I just allow it.....usually it lasts a couple of days and I have to hide in this hole until it lifts somehow and I'm back to myself.

I just went through one of these, so it's fresh and I can talk about it. I'd rather allow the anger and rage to cycle through via fantasies than to sit there and ponder slitting my own wrists.......I'd rather slow do their's with a dull serrated knife..............I could go on.

 

[disconnect]

Iam - I'll try to draw something, since I can't seem to make coherent sentences with words right now. I can't tell you how I feel, but it's not good. Hearing I'm an inspiration to you, made me smile. I wish I could feel as strong as I seem to appear.

TLight - I think your rages are like my hysterical panic attack episodes - it's just our release is different. As soon as I feel that anger, I literally shut down and I can't get any further. It's a complete blockage. I can only cry hard and panic. I get so hysterical that I end up screaming things to make it stop. It's all driven by this intense and overwhelming terror of anger and that's when I lose the words. Thinking about those people makes it worse.


I also think exhaustion plays a big part in it. The more tired I am, the worse it gets.

 

[Iam]

Let me know if it works Disconnect. Maybe if I draw it the anger will actually surface. I envy both you and TL being able to feel the anger (even if you can't speak it Disconnect) and being able to cry.

The key common component is that of overwhelming emotions, whether it be anger, fear or sadness seems to bring on intense anxiety which causes us to shut down.

TL, I had an episode of curling up in a fetal position under my comforter just last Friday. The fear was so intense that I couldn't stand it. The feelings of just wanting to end it all came up as a result. Like you, I try to remember they'll pass. I am really afraid that there will come a time that there will come a time that I just don't care any more that the feelings will pass. That I will just be so tired of the rollercoaster that I don't even want to feel better, just end the ride once and for all. Kind of like that today.


The intense anger that you two speak of is exactly why I shove it down. It scares the hell out of me.....or at least scares the anger right back down creating hell in me. When I "see" my attackers all I feel is absolute terror. The anger is aimed at myself, not them. I am angry at myself for not just being able to get over it, for still being scared, for emotions being so overwhelming instead of just normal, whatever that means.

I think being able to put words to it will help Disconnect. After you draw your picture, maybe sit down and explain what the different shapes, colors, people & objects (if any) mean. I think my picture would just be a whirlwind, a toranado with things flying around in it LOL! Good luck and hugs to both of you.

 

[intothelight]

It seems that PTSD involves a lot of unresolved anger, directed inward or outward, depending on the individual. Mine goes in because at that time, I am "stupid", "worthless", "a waste of oxygen", etc. and all of the other things my abusers told me I was, plus it is "my fault". The problem is, at one level I know it is not true, and it is what I was told, so they should shift the blame for their own sick actions to me. But on the other hand, these messages have become so internalized, that something triggers them and I get so horribly mad at myself. To the point of self-harming or thinking suicidal thoughts.

I look forward to the day when the anger can be put in its proper place, worked through, and then forgotten. At times it seems that it happens, but then something starts that cycle again. The positive thing is it become less frequent and intense. So whatever it takes for anyone to work through the anger, I hope you find your way. Art is a good outlet, physical exercise, getting away into a calm environment, yoga, meditation, and anything that helps.

Maybe someday, I'll be able to have a good cry. My anger scares me and to turn it outward is terrifying and sometimes I think if I could cry I would never stop. But as usual, this disorder seems to cause conflicting feelings.

I wish you all the best.

ITL

 

[anni]

I may not make a ton of sense with this. There's been perhaps 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours so the thought processes are not what one would describe as linear. Also will apologise and hope staff will be kind to my spelling at the moment. If bad it's unintentional.

I do the same as ITL with the anger. It's been completely turned inward and took an awfully long time to recognize as anger. It just felt like I sucked across the board, that's all. It's been pointed out to me I'm in fact able to be angry at my abuser, at least, and the system which allowed him to further terrorize me and as stupid as it sounds that finally got some dots connected, as in 'How To Feel Angry', or 'The Dummies Guide'. At the moment it's at least clear that he sucks ( sucked, actually since he's still dead ) much, much more than me-isn't that a backwards way to feel good about yourself? We all have some 'thing' with anger, it's been very helpful to me to be here and see all the reasons why we dam well should be angry. God. If all the *sswipes and scumbuckets who got us here were laid end to end, well, the world would be a better place. that's for certain. :) I got to be enraged for others and then slowly more for myself. Just feeling the RIGHT to be angry has been a huge relief, even if I'm still not very good at it. We have to figure out how to be angry, how the hell to deal with it when it's there but to me, it's been terribly helpful just being able to finally own the concept that boy, we deserve it. Perhaps this isn't making sense but it was just a sort of key concept to go on with, that's all.