Unable To Muster Up The Emotions In Therapy

[Iam]

I am so freaking frustrated. When I am in therapy for some reason my emotions are just numb.....I can't seem to feel them. Then the next morning what should have been felt during session washes over me. Does anybody else have that happen? Have you figured out how to let yourself "feel" during therapy. I want to be able to go in there and just cry or scream....something. God, I just want to get it out and I want to do it in therapy. My T is always so calm to, doesn't show emotion other than glee when we have hit on something. Any ideas?

 

[externalsmile]

I am fairly numb too. My last session was probably the first step towards success with showing my emotions. I was able to let a bit out more than usual. I have no idea why. I just think it is something that takes time and trust of your therapist.

 

[AdamAnt]

Any chance of doing a session over the phone or skype when the emotions hit you? Please look over me if that's rediculous, just tossing of my head ideas out there!!

 

[Iam]

Thanks External and Adam.....I've been in therapy for 11 months and do trust my T. Just for some reason I am always so controlled in session. That being said, just the fact that I feel emotions at times, other than a pervading sadness, is a huge progress.

Adam....That actually is a good idea though probably not possible. My T is a self proclaimed noncrisis counselor LOL ;o) I have emailed him several times when I am overwhelmed with fear or confusion. At least by doing that he does have an understanding of where I am at sometimes. My friend also wrote a letter for me to give him. In it she stated how paralyzed I am at times.

I just would like to really be able to let down. Our prayer session last night was regarding an abuse that absolutely terrified me. He read the details outloud that I'd written (again it was a huge progress for me just to be able to let him do that.) I prayed but still wasn't able to even feel the emotions that I felt at that time, yet this moringing I was crying out to the Lord about it. I guess that is progress too. Maybe I should be looking at what I can do now as compared to 11 months ago. I just wish I could do more in session....grrrrr!

 

[AdamAnt]

What about videoing or voice recording yourself and then playing it back in session? would that allow you to tap back into it?

 

[pandora]

I found that writing things out when I was feeling so bad and then giving it to my therapist helped tremendously.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Ok, this is what happens to me in my T's office. I can TALK about my issues, but when I feel the tears coming on, I stop them....I may get a runny nose, she knows that I am emotional, but I can not and will not allow myself to cry. I have an issue with this. I can be talking on the phone with someone, feel the tears, have the snot running(sorry to be so graphic) but I WILL not allow myself to cry. I always say while on the phone can we please change the subject?

While at my T's, and I start to feel the tears, I compose myself, and then go on. This happens over and over in our sessions till time is up. I don't even allow myself to cry at home. I can feel depression, I can feel sadness, I can feel anger, ect, but only at home, and alone. very hard for me to show them with other people. I have on some occasions, but very very very close friends, or in the psych ward and then not often...

Hope all of that made any sense at all....

 

[pandora]

Yep..made sense, I feel my nose start to burn and hold them back too!

 

[Iam]

EXACTLY She Cat.....I can feel and express a little but only when alone. I did break down that one time with my close friend but I ended up totally dissociating as a result. I got teary only once in 11 months in therapy and I pushed it back down. I wish I had to do that everytime, eventually I could let it out then. I wrote my feelings down in the detailed version of my timeline which I gave to my my T. That is what he read outloud from last night during our prayer session. I experienced a flood of emotion during the writing of my timeline. Maybe that's all I needed?

Shame was our topic last night. We taked about when a man called me over to his truck and exposed himself to me, masturbating, in a parking lot when I was about 10. I was terrified and climbed onto the roof of my mom's car until she came back. I was so ashamed when I had to tell the police. I was sexually promiscuous in high school which causes me much shame as well. You will find the word slut all over my timeline. My T said that I was set up to think that about myself and was probably just trying to live out what had been programed into my brain. Wow, was that a guilt reliever. So I do hear what my T says.....I am sure I am processing a lot of this outside of therapy, but think I would heal more completely if I could express the deep emotion I have about past traumas and my own past behavior to someone else. Does that make any sense?

Adam, I don't know if I could do that....It would be pretty tough for me to listen to myself like that in front of someone. IDK....guess maybe I should discuss this with my T and ask him what he thinks.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Iam,

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming form....TOTALLY...... My short story. I was molested by both of my brothers, and then gang raped at 15 or16 when I was drunk. Yes, I was drinking to escape a lot of shit. Also around that time I told my mother what was going on with my brothers. Her response,"You are a whore and probably deserved it." That was the end of the subject. She then went on to convince the rest of my family, siblings and brothers that had molested me, that I was just CRAZY..... As a result of this, I ended up promiscuous, acting out, drinking, drugging, ect. Fast forward to 16 yrs ago. I was diagnosed with PTSD after 8 suicide attempts during my life, and have been in and out of therapy since then working on my issues....

BUT!!!!!!!! The guilt & shame, of when I was younger, and doing all of this bad behavior, is something that I have yet to recover from. I also had a daughter, 38 years ago, I didn't have very good parenting skills, and I ****ed up, in many ways, and hurt her in the meantime. We can't even seem to have a relationship now, and we have tried. Either it's me, and I keep ****ing up, or it's her with her OLD behavior that is inappropriate, but either way, we can't seem to get our shit togetrher to have a healthy relationship.. THIS TOO causes more guilt & shame on my part...

So IMHO, I don't know HOW in the hell to FIX this issue. I have tried many times to forgive myself. others here have stepped up, and have all but smacked me in the head to get it through my head to let go of the guilt and shame and yet, I can't. It's a wound that festers deep within my being, that I can not seem to reach. Yet I KNOW intellectually, I KNOW I DID THE BEST I COULD WITH WHAT I HAD.....But, I can not seem to let go of the guilt and shame.....

Yes, I do understand, and if you find the magic to unlocking the secret to our self forgiveness for the shame and guilt that we carry....Please let me know.....

In the mean time, I hope that you can learn to express what you are feeling... I am still able to express in words very well, but I lack the emotions, or lack the ability to show the emotions......

 

[Iam]

I hope I find that magic key She Cat and believe me, I will shout it from the mountain tops if I do ;o) I think at one time I was able to lay that guilt aside, at least to a certain extent. I understood that I was acting out because of what was done to me. I still suffered from depression and suicidal ideation, but was able to manage. This was long before I knew I had PTSD. I was believing God, believeing that I was a new creation in Him and derived my self worth from that. It was almost like I was pure again (or maybe for the first time). Then a series of major things happened that eventually landed me in a total breakdown. I turned from God telling Him that He had allowed more than I could bare. How could I have thrown away what God in His grace had given me? Now I am trying to find my way back to God. Part of that is understanding what suffering from PTSD means, that I will never be cured as such, but can learn to manage the symptoms. I am finding that the hardest part of all of this is NOT what was done to me, but what I have done to myself. Does that makes sense? I think I still have a long way to go. My T on the otherhand thinks that we have made great progress and that this part of my therapy will go quickly now. I sure hope he is right.

It's weird, my friend who suffers from PTSD, wears all of her emotions on her sleeve. She cries at the drop of a hat. I don't want to be like that either. There has to be a balance, just need to find it.Tonight I am willing to keep trying till I find it. Tomorrow or next week I may be ready to throw in the towel. What a freaking roller coaster!

 

[AdamAnt]

Good Luck Iam!

And don't worry, we got a truckload of towels...throw all you like and we'll just keep handing you another! 8)