Unable To "physically Feel" Feelings?

[Mammo]

Hi guys,
Ok...I have no idea if other people do this with their therapists or not...
But my guy has this thing where he's trying to get me to "physically feel" and be able to identify and describe physical sensation of "anger"...

The problem is - I either don't feel anything...or, whatever I do feel, he says is "anxiety" and not anger.

Was pretty full on, as every time I said "i don't know" or "i don't understand" he would cut me off and tell me to move past some "helpless stage".

In some attempt, I presume to get my "anger" to kick in, he was basically trying to bait me, e.g. "how did it make you feel when your dad
- called your mum a stupid b*tch
- hit her
- hit your brother"
etc etc.

I don't get it. I'm not going to lie to him and tell him I feel something I don't. But I don't understand what I'm doing wrong here...has anyone any idea of what is happening here?

cheers,
m

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What's going on is that he is crossing the line from partner to therapist.

I personally don't feel certain emotions in a physical way. The only time I feel anger is when it turns to rage and I want to lash out against myself or others.

How dare he say that you're helpless because you don't physically feel anger!

Thank him for trying to help you but remind him that it's his job to support you, not fix you.

 

[Mammo]

Hey Solara,
Thank you for responding.
I'm very new to all of this, so don't really get the "crossing the line" part...(genuinely don't know much about the whole etiquette here).

Don't think he was trying to say *I* am helpless...but that it was my state of mind at that point in the conversation...no idea if that makes any difference or not.
M

 

[Fadeaway]

I think clarification is needed. Is he your therapist or partner or both?

 

[Mammo]

Oh...sorry...my therapist...!!!!

 

[Frogs88]

Hi there, I had a lot of trouble with a CBT therpist who just didn't get that I didn't have the lexicon to discribe my feelings. The reason for this is because having been through a lot of traumatic experiences the words have entirely different meaning than they would for other people and also numbing and refusing emotion is just a common way of dealing. She pushed me, she belittled me, she accused me of being stubourn and not wanting help, but really it was her problem because she was to fixated on a very rigid idea of what CBT should be and wasn't able to have the flexibility that all clients need. I went on to EMDR which dousn't need that much talking but my therapist is very flexible, If I say I don't like a word she let's me pick a new one(for example I refused the word 'safe' but we settled on 'free'). If I say I don't know what i'm feeling she dousn't push it.

 

[Neverthesame]

Does your therapist know that it is not uncommon for people to use anger to mask their anxiety?

 

[Seasounds]

I am responding rather ferociously, in my humble opinion, your therapist is, well, read on:

Your therapist is pushing at you to work their speed, rather than work with you, at your speed. I would tell your therapist that you want to approach anger, in your own time, or that you need to go about it differently (who knows if the therapist can do it differently).

Exploring anger is very useful. And it is safe to do so, when you "drive" the exploration. My therapist encouraged me, but I was the one who chose to do it.

Where your therapist is off, x 2, is that your therapist makes unhelpful, counterproductive, perhaps retraumatizing, belittling comments-that they think/hope will spur you on to express anger. But they may cause you to shut down. They are trying to be a sparring partner, when, usually, people in therapy need support, in a non-sparring manner, to be a coach..

For example, helping you relate to an angry feeling, and playing with vocalizing it--like kids do. They also should spend time, over many sessions, reversing bad parenting, by demonstrating to you, through smiles, or "good", when you do relate to and express anger.

Learning to express anger can be retraumatizingand triggering; for example, you might remember people yelling at you with the right coach, you'll have tools ready, to pull yourself back into safey.

Anger, is being able to believe you have the right to feel anger-a natural and good feeling to have when you have been treated disrespectfully, (or feel loss); it is a protective response.

Being able to identify it-intellectually, being able to feel it-emotionally and physically, and being able to express it-vocally, and being able to feel good about yourself while and after you express anger, are many steps, that may take a month or a year to develop.

Also, learning how to express anger using non-violent communication techniques is helpful, so you don't destroy current relationships. Expressing unbridled anger in therapy is 'therapeutic. In relationships, expressing unbridled anger is destructive.

Here is the paradox in working with anger with some therapists. They want to help you express anger more directly-regarding events in the past; but if you express your anger (about them) directly to the therapist, unless it is an extraordinary, "anger-specialist", expressing raw and direct anger to therapists is usually a deal breaker.

Directly, or passive aggressively, they will direct their anger towards you, intentionally, to push you out of therapy, since they felt violated.

This therapist sounds out of touch with you.considerothe options, if you notice they try to push, or direct your therapy, according to ideas they think will be best for you.

Good therapy starts where you are at, and works at your pace.you can be more active, and direct the therapist, telling the therapist what works for you.
Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry, I read the my guy part and assumed you meant your partner.

Now I think it's worse in that your therapist is an idiot. Calling you helpless because you don't physically feel emotions? Is he a trauma therapist? This guy doesn't sound like a keeper.

 

[Biz]

Mammo, I totally identify w this thread. When I started emdr, my therapist would often ask me where I felt an emotion in my body. I couldn't begin to answer, everywhere/nowhere/I didn't feel anything.

Most of us aren't taught how to feel emotions the way your therapist is asking. Where would we have learned that skill? The majority of us had either average, below average, or completely shitty parents to model after. And it's not like it's taught in health class or on tv.

It takes a lot of practice and coaching. For me, that coaching needs to be gentle; it's scary to practice something new and even scarier when there might be a giant emotion on the other side. I've learned some of this body stuff through bodywork/reiki and meditation.

I still learn new things abt feelings when I get body work, like if I'm feeling a lot, I can't locate it in my body or if my feelings are in my hips, legs, etc. I won't notice until I feel completely safe. And fear is such an overwhelming feeling for me I can't find it anywhere and don't bother to find it in my body, I just shut down.

You'll find this stuff if you want to. Prompt your therapist abt the coaching you need. If he's good he'll be responsive. Good luck!