Unbearable Flashbacks Of Aunty's Death Comes Back And I'm In Pain

[Tuithurs91]

Hello I have suffered from PTSD since my aunt died very tragically from cancer several years ago. I keep feeling trapped in that evil time and I keep feeling like its only just happened,it happened several years ago in January and whenever the shitty weather is the same and it's a Monday,it feels like it's only the day after she died because that was a shitty cold white sky winter day with rain and my mum was so devastated and had to have Valium to help her crying. And now mums I'll and never gets better she too had a devastating illness that's made her unable to move out of bed and today its Monday and mums ill and also waiting for Valium and the whole day feels like when my aunty died.I feel so angry that years after it happened its still affecting me so badly.and yet when somebody I knew died a few years ago ,the family just carried on as if nothing had happened. I don't understand why some people are just so hard and yet I just fall apart at the slightest trigger. I feel so angry with my aunty even though she died several years ago because we didn't have an easy relationship and her death has caused me untold pain. I just can't cope on days like this,why are the reminders so vivid after all these years?Its so painful feeling trapped in that prison of pain.I don't have family and don't have any friends as nobody wanted to know me when I got ill.I think the current state of the world makes me feel worse hearing how the far right parties in Europe are in elections, its like what is the world coming to, Brexit,Trump, Marine le Pending, homelessness and terrorism what next.I feel this world has no hope anymore and this makes my PTSD worse because it adds to the state of panic.

 

[bring em all in]

I am sorry that you are suffering so much. I guess the short answer to why we feel such pain over things from the past is that we have not processed the issues/memories. I had unresolved issues with my mother (who died in 2009) and older sister (who died 2014). In between my Dad died (2012).

I can also relate to your despair over current events. In America the anarchists on the Left and fascists on the Right are turning my country into something I don't recognize. I've posted several times on Facebook: The human race is over- the humans lost.

Sometimes it feels like everything in my life is a trigger for some traumatic memory. My wife speaking about African-Americans protesting flashes me back to the first time I heard my grandfather say the N-word. I was crushed-nobody understood why I was crying. I continued to love him but I no longer respected him or looked up to him again. And this is but one (albeit relatively minor) memory I flashback to. There are literally dozens of others- and some of them are pretty big, such as the time I was 14 and had surgery and the anesthetic didn't work right.

There is a song by Eve Decker with these lyrics:

There are times when I’m completely shut down
Want nobody around, least of all myself
Mad at the world’s failings, and at my heart for hurting
I do what it takes to tune out