Uncontrollable Emotions

[screen-name]

Last year I lost my job but did find another. Within days of the jobs loss my ex started up a custody battle. During the custody battle my daughter was at the doctor a lot as she was getting diagnosed with a genetic condition (not life threatening and it's under control now). My ex used her condition to say I'm not a good mom. Then a few months ago we learned that a loved one has a heroine problem and has been lying to everyone for a long time.

The last thing broke my heart so badly. I started disassociating and just kind of went numb. My therapist thinks that I spent the whole year going from one thing to another without getting time to really feel anything about them that the last blow was the proverbial straw.

I am better with the disassociating now. Now I am getting all these negative emotions. The triggers are small and sometimes not even something I recognize. However, once they start I can't get control again. The rest of the time I am just sort of muttling through the day so I keep up my responsibilities but I'm not happy.

My therapist is helping me with relaxation and getting some peace of mind. He thinks I should feel the emotions and allow them to process, while making goals and plans to help me feel more motivated again. He is really helpful. I have set some goals to find a less stressful type of work and to start some hobbies.

I guess my question here is what do you do with the emotions when they have no where to go? Having to deal with my ex in court brought back a lot of my fear of him and my nightmares for a while. It's stuff like that. Everything is in the past so there is nowhere to place the emotions. They are just here now when they don't have a purpose.

I feel alone and so tired. I just want to relax and have some peace but I don't seem to be able to. I keep telling everyone that I am trying so hard and I know I'll get back to "normal." But when I'm sitting there crying my eyes out for no reason that makes any sense to them I don't know that they get it.

I am worried that I am pushing people away and instead of feeling alone, I will be alone.

 

[aut555]

Last year I lost my job but did find another. Within days of the jobs loss my ex started up a custo...

Seems that you have a lot responsibilities but little time to yourself. It felt like to me you are still processing the abusive relationship when suddenly he comes back at you. This is normal with abusers. They chose us and need their supply of cheating us out of life pill. So, l guess l am saying, don't give him the satisfaction of pushing you down. He is not worth it. You need to celebrate you, you are taking care of your daughter. You are working, this is all major accomplishments. Maybe schedule something just for you to do to distract and renew your passion for life. Much kindness and compassion to you, my abusive relationship was 18 years but l walked away. : )

 

[screen-name]

I agree. I am still processing things. Thank you for saying that I'm doing well. I've been trying to schedule stuff to do and I feel better at the time. I just feel like there should be something to do with these emotions. I don't know if that makes sense. It's like I will be really angry but no where to put it. When I get angry at a person, I can tell them and possible work it out. I can't talk to a memory or a feeling that I can't identify the source.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think that you need "me time". Be selfish and demand that you get some time to yourself. We all NEED that from time to time.

 

[aut555]

I agree. I am still processing things. Thank you for saying that I'm doing well. I've been trying t...

18 years of abuse, it took about one solid year just to process the anger. Then came the guilt, shame, why me, and more anger for another year. I finally broke through in two years time. Didn't work, thank god for alimony, had no TV, and not enough money to do anything much except process yucky emotions. Then l started looking at my childhood, and looking at some abusive issues. Maybe if you start to formulate a plan of how to avoid a lifetime of toxic abusive relationships by looking at where you tumbled down the rabbit-hole with this man. Where did you get off-track and buy his con-game? This realization will open up things about you and take the emphasis AWAY from him. Plus it will get you acknowledging those emotions you are writing about and start the healing process. I know, we don't want to go there, but in the end we have to leave our pity party and progress with our rebirth party of our enlighten self. It sounds silly, but the homework is still what we have to do to claim normal again.

 

[screen-name]

I have been thinking about writing in a journal for a while. I have dumped these emotions on innocent bystanders a couple of times, strangers not family. I thought that if I wrote them down and tried to figure out where they're coming from that I might not be so rude in public.

I am also really trying to be okay with my rudeness for now. I feel guilty every time and that doesn't make it better. I can work to fix it but guilt doesn't change anything.

 

[EveHarrington]

Find a way to process emotions.

 

[aut555]

Ok , l complained so many times to my new girlfriend. I am surprised she is still friends with me. But l have worked at being supportive for some important issues she dealt with. I hate to say this, but you will be telling the same story for awhile. It's part of the process. Being rude is your business. If that's what makes you feel comfortable in your own body, then embrace it. I live in a giant city, and being rude goes with the territory. Haha. You will become less intense with time. Write a letter to him, write a letter to yourself, you don't need to send him the letter. I told my abusive spouse what an abuser he was. He is exactly the same, maybe worse now. And he can't see any of his ways. What a waste of my life. Omg, l am comiplaining, again. Two years later, l am still unloading. Maybe this brings home to you what your post is saying.