Uncorked. Feeling Used By A Friend And My Father.

[Justmehere]

I'm a supporter, but I'm probably even more of a sufferer. This thread is about my own trauma history being stirred up by another sufferer I was supporting.

This other sufferer is a friend. The friendship is over.

Right now, I feel like I was used to make her happy at all costs. She treated me like everything I did was an implied statement about her being a bad person. I had a quiet moment between other hard things, and it rushed back to me: my father. I didn't forget but I haven't been ab to connect to this and work through it. He abused me. If I ever did anything not to his liking he took it as my implying he was a bad person. As a kid, if I loaded the dishwasher wrong and I had to be prepared for an unpredictable violent tirade for days on end about how I treat him like a horrible person.

I feel used. My therpaist says my friend scapegoated me in order to avoid doing the work on her own issues. Same with my father. She says he did the same thing, only with physical abuse as well. And neglect and a whole host of shit. Endless shit.

I feel used and degraded and so angry. I do ok when distracted but he most simple quite moment means all of this comes rushing back... Being used to make another person feel better, and it never being enough - and in the case of my father being abused - instead of them ever doing their work on themselves.

I haven't been able to access feelings towards my father until right now and it's hitting me like a tidal wave. I want to elk at my friend. I haven't. She's out of my life, her choice and it's good for me - I would have chooses it if she hadn't.

I didn't deserve this, not at the hands of my father. It's nearly destroyed me so many times. I set boundaries and this friend is out of my life. I'm so angry at the bigger issue: the unresolved trauma at the hands of my father.

I'm so angry. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling angry. I have long felt anger, since I was a child, but never was able to feel it about my father, not since I was a kid. My therpaist says this is a step forward but I'm almost out of control. I need to be calm today. Especially today. I have a sick dog who actually needs me in a way that is not using me.

If I could have made my father happy, I would have. I so would have.

The worst part is they both hurt me and then wanted to fix me. Be my support. Only to abandon me. My father did it after so much abuse. My friend has just been an ordinary asshole.

I hate the feeling of being so used. I don't think I'm explaining what is coming up or why very well. Does anyone have any suggestions how to handle this feeling of being used?

 

[hodge]

Oh, JMH, I am so glad you wrote that all out. I don't know where to begin.But, begin I will with what I take is the most important thing to you right now -- your dog. Is she okay? Do you need to take her to the vet? That is what I think is your most important consideration right now, along with your own mental health, which is at least partly gathered up at the moment with your dog's well being.

 

[Mytime]

JMH, big big :hug: I understand your pain, because I'm a loving and supportive person too. This is what I learned from my hurt. I am a kind, caring, nurturing and honest person. I always try to be there for the people in my life. I feel people can see that in me and are drawn to me for their benefit. But with each back stabbing I experienced I learned something about myself. The hardest lesson was, learning I gave my power and strength away to others. So they could use it for their Journey to improve their life, or to throw it in my face if shit hit the fan. But the truth is, we can't fix other people's life's. We can support them, but it is always their own Journey. They turn on us because they don't have the strength themselves. It's easyer to make someone else feel like shit. Then it is to see yourself as weak. But the one good thing is,( your hurting which sucks. ) But you have the strength, you know you do. So maybe that's why the feeling about your dad are coming up. You took back all your strength and your ready for that Journey of healing. Just know we are all here to support you. We all know you have the strength.

 

[Anarchy]

Offering hugs

I think that a lot of what you experienced from them was some very needy projection

Just like the forum tradition that we look after our own triggers
their insecurities were their own, except they projected them onto you

Those guys were responsible for what was in their heads, you couldn't change what was in their heads - no one can (at least not without substances, surgery, electric shocks, beating the hell out of them or shooting them), so dumping that crap on you was doubly cruel, because they were setting both of you up for an absolutely certain fail.

I fully agree with your T that starting to feel the anger towards your father probably is a step forward in your healing (even if it doesn't feel like it), as you are starting to reject shit that was his,
but that he dumped onto you.
and he dumped it onto you when you were too young to be able to kaow or to tell him to carry his own shit

Hoping that your dog is OK

:hug:@

 

[Justmehere]

Is she okay? Do you need to take her to the vet? That is what I think is your most important consideration right now, along with your own mental health, which is at least partly gathered up at the moment with your dog's well being.

My dog is doing ok, gonna get the x-rays in about 30 minutes. Trying to stay calm as possible for her sake, and it helped to write all this out. Staying as calm as possible for her is really helping me. She's been extra cuddly and I'm about to head out to the vet.

But you have the strength, you know you do. So maybe that's why the feeling about your dad are coming up. You took back all your strength and your ready for that Journey of healing. Just know we are all here to support you. We all know you have the strength.

Thanks Mytime. I really needed to read this.

I fully agree with your T that starting to feel the anger towards your father probably is a step forward in your healing (even if it doesn't feel like it), as you are starting to reject shit that was his,
but that he dumped onto you.
and he dumped it onto you when you were too young to be able to kaow or to tell him to carry his own shit

Yeah, you are right. I tried to be perfect for my father. I tried to be boundaried with my friend and make it clear this isn't mine to manage for her. When she finally understood... it was *still* all about changing me to manage her internal world.

I think I just realized how much I couldn't anything to make them stop but I have to pull away. I think I also just realized how awful it is to do this to someone. I have always blamed me for my father doing it. I couldn't have even stopped him from trying to use me, I could only get away. I'm not even a separate person to either of them. I am amazed how much this has so upset me.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't ever want to be like them.

 

[Mytime]

I already know you never will :hug;

 

[EveHarrington]

I've read your posts about this friend and you did more than enough for her in terms of being a good friend who supports her.

Unfortunately many people don't understand what friendship is about. Many people have this "it's all about me and what you can do for me" view of friendship (which I don't personally see as "friendship" in the true sense but hey maybe that's just me.)

Would it help to remember that you did all that you could for her while trying to maintain your own boundaries?

Would it help to keep in mind that she may not be in a place right now where she can even be a friend to you? Honestly, she can't even be a friend to herself.

You did everything you could to help her and you drew the line at enabling. It seems to me that she didn't want a friend so much as she wanted someone to enable her-------pick her up after she made bad decisions in life, and not only that, but wanted you to support her bad decisions.

Yes, she may have PTSD but it also seems that there is a bit of codependent behavior on her part that prevents her from healing. I hope she is able to see the light and get help (real help, not codependent enabling "help") before it's too late. I hope she can realize that help oftentimes isn't in the exact form that we want.

I also think it's important to remember that she was looking for you to save her but didn't want to really do the hard work herself. (Refusing to join the forum for support and such.) I remember you saying she had moved forward a little bit in terms of getting help but somehow I have a feeling that she's not really getting help, based on current behavior.

If she can't do the basics for herself, I really don't think she has a right to demand anything of others. Basics-----wanting help, asking for help, most importantly accepting help-----

 

[Justmehere]

Happy news! My dog is ok. All the tests came back normal and she is happily boucing around this morning.

As for me? I'm a mess. I relapsed with self injury and had a full on flashback about my father and came out of it with my sweet 60lb dog on my lap, as she is trained to do. My dog is off to a trusted doggie day care for a day "off" today. :)

Being able to type this out and your support and responses is helping me ground out of this and be less angry. I will reply more soon. I'm exhausted and taking some time to re-group.

 

[Justmehere]

That is what I think is your most important consideration right now, along with your own mental health, which is at least partly gathered up at the moment with your dog's well being.

Thanks so much for this reminder to keep my focus where it needed to be, and to take care of my very sweet pup. She's been a real trooper.

But with each back stabbing I experienced I learned something about myself.

I have been thinking about what I could learn from this experience. I think keep thinking about what is my responsibility, and is not my responsibility. I think I'm learning a lot more about where supporters struggle to find balance. When she started to go downhill, I wasn't overwhelmed. But I did stick it out because I hoped/assumed things would get better. When they didn't, I ended up resenting her for not getting better. As I began to realize she had a million excuses to avoid the work of getting better, I pulled away. She idealized me... and down the hill things went. I kept shirking off the idealization, and telling her that her healing is up to her, she is/or needs to do the work. I think the over-idealization of me was a warning sign that she was putting way too much on me. I could have done a better job of accepting how much she was struggling and how little support she had, and how much she was resisting it. I knew I couldn't change her, but if I would have accepted how bad things were sooner, I would have probably pulled back sooner before she could put so much on me.

Part of why I love this community is because there is never one person offering peer support, we are all doing it together.

But with each back stabbing I experienced I learned something about myself...But the truth is, we can't fix other people's life's. We can support them, but it is always their own Journey. They turn on us because they don't have the strength themselves. It's easyer to make someone else feel like shit. Then it is to see yourself as weak.

That is so true! I watched her get caught up in rescuing her ex-boyfriend, and I got to see how much it made both of them struggle even more.

The scapegoat effect is so powerful. Both my father and my friend couldn't face their own bad self worth, and instead blamed me. I couldn't have changed it at all, anymore than I can change the color of the sky. They had to do the work to change themselves.

I think that a lot of what you experienced from them was some very needy projection

Yes! So much projection!

Just like the forum tradition that we look after our own triggers
their insecurities were their own, except they projected them onto you

There were several points before this when she would say, "I know you are thinking..." and I would cut her off and say, "don't think my thoughts for me." I would say it jokingly, but I meant it. I'm so confused by how she offered support to me right before abandoning me, angry about my boundary. She was also saying "I know you are in a state of high emotion." At that point, I actually wasn't emotional.

I fully agree with your T that starting to feel the anger towards your father probably is a step forward in your healing (even if it doesn't feel like it), as you are starting to reject shit that was his,
but that he dumped onto you.
and he dumped it onto you when you were too young to be able to kaow or to tell him to carry his own shit

Why would someone dump shit on their kid... I mean it's kind of the height of stupidity. But he sure did do it. It's not mine and I'm giving it back to him!

Unfortunately many people don't understand what friendship is about. Many people have this "it's all about me and what you can do for me" view of friendship (which I don't personally see as "friendship" in the true sense but hey maybe that's just me.)

It's not friendship! It's using people...

Would it help to remember that you did all that you could for her while trying to maintain your own boundaries?

I'm trying to remember this, and it does help. I never really thought I could help her or do much of anything for her... I was trying to be a friend. I was trying to be in a friendship with her. She wanted me for what I could do for her.
You did everything you could to help her and you drew the line at enabling. It seems to me that she didn't want a friend so much as she wanted someone to enable her-------pick her up after she made bad decisions in life, and not only that, but wanted you to support her bad decisions.[/QUOTE]
I don't think she will get any help anytime soon, but at least I can know that I didn't participate in her efforts to enable a rapist... Just thinking about that makes me mad. I am still shocked she asked me to support her connection with him. No, just no. She really didn't know me at all to even think I would support someone to date a rapist. Like no.

If she can't do the basics for herself, I really don't think she has a right to demand anything of others. Basics-----wanting help, asking for help, most importantly accepting help-----

Yeah.

Just over a year ago, she told me she couldn't hear about my own bad day, because things were too hard for her. I pulled back, and I figured things would pass and get better. I was glad she let me know her own limit. Everyone has a crappy day. I think that's where things actually started to go off course though. I waited for her to be able to be in a two way friendship again, and she never got there. I have other supports, like this forum, so it didn't rattle my world when she couldn't be there for me. But I was one of her only supports. That's not sustainable.... If it was an occasional hey, crappy day mixed in with other times, where we could talk about something other than her most recent crisis, then I could do that. Not alone. She told me I was one of her only two friends. Now she has one. Someone who also was expressing they were getting burned out too.

My father only had 2-3 friends and I'm not sure if he ever reached out to them for anything. I wouldn't know, but it did seem like he had no one to talk to about a difficult day but his wife and kids. By the time he would say anything, he was screaming...

It just goes to show how important a support network is for most people. I'm really glad for the support here. It's helped my own anger and frustration over this mess. Thanks all!

 

[Thizette]

Dogs are the best version of people--they can't lie or be abusive. Your dog will never use you and wants you to be as happy as she is. I hope she gets better soon, and you, too.

This may sound all middle-school-drama, but when I'm angry like you described, thrash metal helps. Put it on full blast and jump on the bed until you're totally out of energy, and then you can sit quietly and begin to process your anger.