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Uncover Repressed Memories

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@KwanYingirl

I'm not quite sure what grounded means in terms of my life. I know the definition... After my last session with my T, I told him I want to hold off on sessions for now. I felt like he was pushing cbt/dbt without giving a thought to my emotions.
 
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@JEKBreatheandBelieve

I've had a recurring dream from age 8 (now 33). It always involves a child being molested. That's not the only thing but the main one.

Truth is, I don't know that I have repressed memories. I just hope I do because otherwise it means I'm a monster. My T's have told me that all indications seem to veer to either something happening time as a child or witnessing something.
 
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Do you feel safe? How are you fed up...are you angry at yourself or impatient about recovery? (sorry for so many questions...you can answer or not...just some things I wondered as I read your note). Hugs...

Hah, you made me laugh there :) No... I never feel safe :) yes, I'm angry at myself for making a big deal out if nothing & for not having enough control over my mind & body. Very impatient. My life is a a complete standstill. Thank for the hugs
 
Oh, another important thing I learned that really helped, is to make sure you keep your brain in the present day. This is super simple, but when intense emotions and memories are coming up--take a stroll through your house. Count the lights in the room. Turn on the TV. I'm not saying to avoid these feelings, just show your brain that it's a different time (and place probably.)

This actually confuses me because my T has told me that when I he triggered I should try to see myself from a third-person point of view and understand why I'm reacting the way I am. But that only gets me deeper into those thoughts?? Am I doing something wrong? Is he?
 
The good news, though, is that the more skills you have the better you'll feel anyway. Working on skills is proactively doing something. In my experience it's the most important part of trauma work.

I hear that but it gets so so so hard.
 
@Chava

Right now if I remember to eat, that's considered a good day. I know exercise is important and kudos on you for doing it but that's too far away for me right now.

What is trauma-focused body stuff? Sounds interesting...
 
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I just can't handle finding new triggers every day and having to spend so much time figuring out how to deal with each one. It feels never ending
Man do I know how this felt for me. I was impatient. Not playing this game. I went into this like a bull in a china shop. Here is the thing though. Force it and one can go psychotic as it can be too much. Your emotions can get the best of you or your lack of being able to process so much. So I learned the tools. The end game no longer became about 'the answer' but rather about healing.

You may find through your journey that one of the most important things you need to learn to give yourself is patience. Let the anger come out and walk around that - find the tools to express that emotion without damaging yourself and then seeing what is under the anger and then what is under that. At the end of the day you may well be surprised as you let go of the elements like anger and impatience that you thought were keeping you safe - as to who you really are. I am sorry but imho there is no way around the process. And yes, it does get much more manageable if you put the time into using the tools.
 
I don't and no sorry I wouldn't share if I did because I think it would only make things so much worse for you.

Your mind isn't remembering because it's too overwhelmed and at some level you feel too unsafe to remember. Forcing yourself to remember before you are ready would be incredibly destabilising and very very dangerous.

You need the guidance if a trauma specialist who can work WITH you. It's not something I feel is safe to do alone.

And I speak from experience I guess in that I have flashbacks and remember things I don't want to remember - it's incredibly difficult to deal with and I see a T every week! Without her support and guidance I doubt I'd be alive.

And no session is wasted or a water of money - you arrived feeling angry - well work with that! A lot of the time, whether we intend it or not, the therapeutic relationship mirrors other key relationships in our past or present. Especially if you're feeling intense emotions about yr T or are triggered into feeling while with your T - see it as an opportunity to dig deeper to who the anger is really at.
 
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@Smile - I have repressed memories and they do explain a lot of triggers and reactions that I have. I am sure I am not done discovering all that I have intentionally hidden. Back in December or January, I started to learn clues that I was sexually abused as a child. My therapist and I went forth to get those memories out- it occurred naturally. However, there was no way my little was giving up that information at that time. I desperately wanted to know what happened. I feel to pieces eventually. I almost committed myself to the hospital, but that would have been a HUGE disaster for me. Somehow, I pulled it together and during the last few weeks the memory has come. It's not all out, but it is coming. I have had other memories come out before this one. I know it is frustrating, but I am learning that it is not wise to force the memories. They come when you're mind if truly ready for handling it (well, as ready as one can ever be for that kind of thing). I wish there were an easy way, but you've probably figured out by now there is no easy way through PTSD.
 
I had and still have repressed memories, some came back when I quit therapy the first time, I have been told that being in the same state that you were in when they were encoded can trigger them to come back. But getting memories back doesn't make it anymore easier, sometimes there is denial, continued repression in and out, suicidial thoughts even if you never had them, and total destablization to the point you nearly self destruct. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

As I have worked through therapy using CBT and other techniques I have recovered more memories, but I go in and out of denial, because my avoidance is so strong. I know I am now missing huge chunks of abuse from my mother abuse, my brother and Aunt have told me more and witnessed many events that I have totally blocked, and while I can tell them why something occurred I have no memories other than "knowing" of it. I totally block all visual memory and three years of working on it didn't change it. It will come when it is ready, when your ready, and if the repression is very strong like mine is it may never come back. Some times we don't encode all of it because of dissociation, injury etc.and the memory just isn't there. Most of my memories came back in the form of physical re-experiencing without visual flashbacks, and then later dreams and fragments.

Working on being grounded in the present helps not just with feeling safer, which can bring memories back also, but helps bring stablity and better functioning in your life. For me I found it really doesn't matter what happened to me, beating myself up for not remembering was distracting me from the most important thing which is the present. Being focused in the past because I just had to know, because I had to make sense of what I was feeling didn't help me remember, and if the denial and repression set in again it still doesn't mean you will accept what you remember. Memory is not perfect, it can be distorted, it can be very terrifying. There are reason why we don't remember, it preserves our sanity.
 
Yes, focus on your basic needs, like eating, and try to be kind to yourself (I recovered from anorexia and for me, not being able to eat was a lot like not being able to handle life...I had to be gentle and focus on the tangible parts of taking care of myself...which gave me confidence to take care of the more challenging or ambiguous, unseen things).

I think there several different kinds of body therapies, but "Somatic Experiencing" is specifically trauma related. You could do a search on that. Basically, it's about helping your body come towards the center vs extremes of numbness or hypervigilance, and release the trauma your body remembers (but your mind not...too many of my own details can't be remembered because I was too young, too unconscious because of medical emergencies or drugs/alcohol, or some of it was related to ongoing terror vs one event I can pinpoint). You could also look into something like dance movement therapy, either in conjunction with some therapy you're doing or, if the therapist also specializes in trauma, try something like that. Some cities have yoga teachers or classes that are trained for trauma sensitivity, so safe focus on attention to our bodies, noticing sensations, helping those calming responses kick in (I wouldn't do as therapy, but in conjunction with it probably).

If you're interested in learning more about the body stuff, finding things on line or books, some names include: Babette Rothschild, Bessel Van der Kolk, Peter Levine, Alice Miller (type any of those names into google with something like "trauma" or "body")

Trauma really deregulates our nervous system. Not eating and drinking numbed me out. But other times I functioned like an adrenaline junky, high on my own fumes. I didn't feel anything...until I started getting really sick and also ended up with some terrible pain. My body demanded I sort this out and listen. For me, talk therapy alone was difficult for getting at all the body stuff I have. So I did some research first on Dance/Movement Therapy because I suspected that could help with pain...then found out about this who world of trauma therapy that is focused on the body and helping our damaged nervous systems repair themselves.

If you trust your therapist, I wouldn't just ditch out unless you feel pretty confident you need a different approach (I had a few sessions with new therapist to try this out before ending other therapy, so I wasn't leaving myself hanging). I can relate to never feeling safe in your body. I don't always feel safe in my body but I do a lot more of the time now...or actually feel that I'm in there, if that makes sense. I can understand not being able to exercise, but if any of this sounds interesting maybe ask your T and doc what might be safe. I wished there had been more gentle yoga when I was in treatment...I really needed some safe connection to my body in order to heal from anorexia or trauma...even if just a little bit of safety here and there to start.

Sometimes it helps me to yell in my head about how impatient I am, recognize it, and then just do the next right thing. Like eat a banana. Do the laundry. etc. In AA we talk about taking action and "just doing the next right thing". Sometimes it's hard to know what that is...but it's helpful to remember when my mind gets all caught up trying to figure things out. Just do the next right thing. So, moment by moment (or most moments) I can feel proactive in my life. Sometimes I solve problems I didn't mean to solve yet when I am able to focus on what's right in front of me.
 
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