Understood or Tolerated?

[Deleted member 93]

Of course it is a bit biased :smile: I am giving my take. I don't see any point in pussy footing around. Andrea's past post have a lot of pain and a lot of unresolved issues that need to be adressed. My heart goes out to her as it has before.

Probably for him, coming out and actually saying how he feels about the stress, the job, and the PTSD is a HUGE step for him.

Bingo! You found the good he did!

Andrea, think of this as a "where's waldo" game! Can we all join in?

I feel I am not understood

He is saying how he feels, woo hoo! It is a step!

That was a tough decision for me.

And he made it! He said it was hard and he did it. Me I do I put on the black or grey wife beater today is a choice to be hailed. See you could have it worse.

I have spoken in my prior posts about how I know that if I don't get better now I will only prolong the problem and really not solve any of my issues and continue to suffer in the work place and my personal life where if I go and take care of my issues now I have a better chance of going back to a "normal" lifestyle.

Very take charge! Wonderful, isn't it? He is ready to work on this and that is what you wanted, sweetie!

I have talked about this in more detail under the private group

Do you think there may be a reason this particular thread was not in private? Looks like a guy's way of reaching out. This is how I feel. Letting you in how he feels with out a fight is a good thing.

In no way do I plan on not working anymore, I just feel I need to take a month off so that i can go to the support meetings I havent been able to go through and sort some things out with myself.

He is willing to go to support meetings and planning to, do you know how many spouses have to drag the other half to meetings and therapy? He is taking step to heal himself and that is great! (thinking of claw marks on door way for my husband to get me to my shrink in the beginning...)

I came to the point where I know that if I dont take some time off to better myself and deal with this I might not have a job anymore based on performance.

Another biggie for him! He sees that he can endager his job where he is right now in the head. He is taking a step to prevent the loss. That is a great thing!

I am not a person that easily quits, and dont intend on starting now.

Another good thing! Because if you are not a fighter you cannot heal very well from PTSD and it is a hell of a fight!


See what I did Andrea? I searched and found the good. You can do the same. But right now you are so torn up over the past, and toting so much guilt it is hard for you. I don't try to sound like an ass, being one is just part of my nature, ask anyone who knows me :smile: You need to forgive yourself and maybe be evaluated for depression. Hell, who would not be depressed living with us? Work on that so ya'll can go forward together as one. You should because once he starts to address it it won't get easier, just harder.

Another thing, Andrea. Please quit apologizing!!!! You feel the way you feel! That is what is so nice about this board, we can scream, rant, rave, and cry. And not be judged. You feel the way you feel and letting it out helps! So let it out sister, bottling it up is no good for anyone. Tear the walls down in here if you need to, just get it out and in print is a good healthy way.

I love you.

You are not a worthless piece of shit. You are a wife in pain. You come here because you know that here is where you will get the best insight. You are not a f*ing loser, he never even implied it. And he does not expect perfection I am sure. Because no one on this Earth is! The I love you. I am glad you still say it. But you need to love yourself too, and first. You have no reason to beat yourself up, let bygones be bygones and forgive yourself so you can love yourself...

And please do not think for a minute there were not times my husband thinks I am selfish, it is not fair, or that he has not wanted to strangle my little neck or leave me, because there have been times! It always isn't rosey. But I did like him and try to look at the good parts. Who wants to concentrate on the bad? It is counter productive. Good luck to both of you.

 

[sarah]

Wow

WOW Veiled,
what a game! That was awesome....Your a Wheres Waldo Champ! :thumbs-up

 

[anthony]

I have edited andreas original post, and any quotations from that post.

My opinion of this is this... Many couples reside here, and what we must remember is that each person has their views. I edited the post because it was personal and argumentative, which is different from simply not agreeing with another person, coupled or not.

What spouses must remember, is that we with PTSD have a hard enough time telling our spouses anything in relation to our traumas as it is, let alone when we do post publicly to allow our spouses to read for themselves, it is viewing what we feel, not a personal attack upon our spouse as such. Spouses here do the same, and the partner with PTSD should not view it as an attack either, it is more a medium for a person to get out of them what they need too, allow the other to read and digest in their own time, then hopefully talk about it personally later.

Kerrie and I both reside here, and let me tell you, what we both post here if interpreted by the other as an attack, is discussed among ourselves offline. PTSD is very hard on relationships, and rebuilding relationships is part of the healing process. It is never easy, because often by the time one or the other is reaching out for help, the relationship is nearly at its end already, which makes it very hard to recover, but it can be recovered... just look at Kerrie and myself. We were both ready to walk, but we both stuck it out because of the one thing that we could not deny, love. We loved one another, so then we thought to ourselves, the rest can be worked out so we can live harmoniously together once again.

It can be done, and is no different from both parties having to learn and heal, and let me tell you, both parties need too. The sufferer will generally inflict so much pain to their partner, the partner is often worn out, abused and mal-adjusted also. Both parties must work on themselves, which in turn helps the overall relationship to a degree. From that point, both parties must come to a gate and both we willing to walk through together and join to tackle the remainder of relationship issues. Every relationship has its issues, let alone with PTSD thrown in.

It is hard, but if you love someone enough, you will work through the hard times, both parties must be willing to compromise, both parties must be willing to adapt and change to suit certain aspects of the other. This is all normal relationship issues, though having PTSD and spousal PTSD to work through, the relationship will often come out much better in the end than it ever was. It isn't going to happen overnight, it isn't going to happen in six months, but with a year, two or three, if both parties are in agreeance to make a relationship the best it can be, it will happen. You will still have your ups and downs, as no two people can live together and agree on everything all the time. Relapse will occur, but with quick identification and then pull yourselves back up again, a relationship will continue going forward, not backward.

Remember, relationships are 110% work all the time, with or without PTSD. PTSD just makes it more challenging, but not impossible.

 

[Andrea42]

Veiled,
Thanks for the breakdown...I see how you searched and found the "good"... very helpful. I need to start looking at things in that way..

Thank You

 

[Deleted member 93]

Your welcome, and look for the good you do too!