Sufferer Unemployed And Scared. I Have Had Trouble Making Connections With People Most Of My Life

[squeedle]

Hi! I've always been different. PTSD different. I have had trouble making connections with people most of my life. I pray that I can find some connections here.

I've been unemployed for awhile. I 've been making amazing progress with my healing because I have the time to put in. My abuse started very early so I never was able to develop the basic foundations: identifying emotions, being able to calm myself, not feeling alone, handling terror, etc. I have had many miracles lately because of the work I'm doing. I've never worked so hard! And made such progress!!

The problem: I'm using up my meager savings. To be honest, I'm not sure I can make a livable income right now. I know I want to be able to continue my healing, but when I'm working, I've always gotten overwhelmed by having to be so functional. I don't have enough energy to deal with my deep feelings because I use it all up with pulling myself together enough to appear functional. I can't find anyone who seems to understand this! CAN ANY OF YOU?

I've been told getting disability can take a few years. Does anybody know of other such programs? My unemployment benefits are done because I couldn't prove I was looking for work. I'm not even sure I can pull it together enough to do the paperwork. Maybe I can shove it all down and "perform", but the very thought of that throws me into a tantrum! For the first time in my life, my energy is going to ME, instead of others. I'm learning how to deal with my emotions, after struggling for 52 years to merely survive. I don't have anyone to support me til I'm better able to function.... Sorry this is long and thanks for any replies!!

 

[Smushroom]

Welcome to the forum Vickster! I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said. I don't know how to make connections with people, I feel lost and overwhelmed in social settings, I don't know how to 'be' with people.

I am about to finish working after being made redundant (the LEGAL way to get rid of the crazy person) I have been struggling and verging on major meltdowns for a long, long time. Now, the thought of finding another job, going to employment agencies, even looking for jobs on the internet overwhelms me. I don't want to work! I'm not lazy, I started my first job before I was even the legal age to start working. It's more that I don't have the energy to focus on my healing and also working at the same time.

I do understand. And I really hope this place can be a comfort and supportive place for you. I find it's a great place to make connections without the whole awkwardness thing!

 

[ashdawn8287]

Welcome! I feel the same way with work. I feel all my energy is spent picking myself up and doing more than that is like working two full time jobs. I am not a bad worker, it just takes everything I have to get to work because of anxiety. I just filed for unemployment, I have an inconsistent record with jobs and have never held one for more than a year. I have medical proof of anxiety since I was 14. And I isolate because it takes less energy to stay in, then it does to pretend in the world with people.

I have tried everything in regards to trying to hold a job, but that overwhelming feeling eventually creeps out and forces me to focus on just healing. I am hoping I get approved so it eliminates this huge worry I always have about not being able to function or hold a job. Even when I start a job I know I am not going to be there for more than 8 months. All that energy forcing myself to be normal leaves me with no energy to fight this PTSD fight. The problem happens when the PTSD is more powerful than the energy being used to pretend to be normal.

I feel different a lot of the time and I am not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I think it is cool that I am different and that I do deserve a break to take time out for myself finally, but it saddens me that I had to push myself so far in order to accept all this. I want to be normal and acceptance to that statement indicates that I am not normal and that hurts.

I feel I deserve to heal, but people don't see it that way. Or realize ow much energy is put into a simple task to a normal person. I am sick of explaining my story which is embarrassing. It's easier to just stay home. I blame myself a lot and that is not fair because the traumatic events were out of my control and blaming myself is not fair. I am mad at myself for not being able to snap out of it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Disability *can* take years to be approved but it *can* be approved in just a few months. You'll never know what your situation is until you apply so I encourage you to do it as soon as possible.

 

[squeedle]

THANK you all for your comments! I'm thrilled to know that someone else can understand this, though I deeply regret that you do! Nobody should have to endure this! I will try to get on disability.

I feel like I'm being forced out of my own denial about my ability to function. I've always been able to do well at work, but that's because I put all my energy towards appearing normal. Nothing left over for me. Ashdawn8287, you described it so well. I know you get it, and it's feels so great to not feel alone, I'm crying. But a good cry.... Time to sleep. THANK YOU all SO much!

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Vickster,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

Scared of Lonely has some great advice about going ahead and filing for disability. Another avenue you might check out is meeting with an unemployment counselor and explain that your condition rendered you unable to seek employment. They might be able to assist you or even help with training and placement in an environment that could accommodate your needs.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie