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Unlovable, unacceptable, weird, shunable

Thread starter #26
But you're not unemployed - you care for a whole bunch of children and bloke. That's a double trouble full time job imo. :cautious::hilarious:
Sure, thank you @blackemerald1. I only have one of those children left at home, but yeah, I appreciate the acknowledgement that care-giving is a job. I used to juggle much more, with many more children in my care, but those days are gone. My stress, activity, productivity and responsibility threshold is a mere whisper of what it once was.

I guess I'm grieving my loss of capacity, but isn't that the nature of this beast we have in common here?

The truth is, I don't want to be around people, much, anymore. They stress me out, they exhaust me, they destabilize me.

I prefer solitude or just the company of my guy and small spells of my kiddos.

I used to have such a thirst to serve, to connect, to reach out, to feel included, but I've lost hope that that is something that is ever going to feel safe, sustainable or enriching for me.

Perhaps this is just the aftershock of being as unwell as I've been the last couple of years, combined with a series of miscarriages and other losses, too many losses. It could be just grief and failure talking.
 
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#27
I guess I'm grieving my loss of capacity, but isn't that the nature of this beast we have in common here?
^Yes it is. Well said there.

The truth is, I don't want to be around people, much, anymore. They stress me out, they exhaust me, they destabilize me
^Me neither I completely understand. But at the same time I'm being encouraged by my psydoc and T to get out there.

I prefer solitude or just the company of my guy and small spells of my kiddos.
^Me too. Solitude and living with myself has become quite addictive. I find it easier in so many ways. But it does have it's drawbacks. Confusing at times... I know.

I used to have such a thirst to serve, to connect, to reach out, to feel included, but I've lost hope that that is something that is ever going to feel safe, sustainable or enriching for me.
^Again, I completely agree. For me it's a lost cause too. I've found it hard to adjust.

Perhaps this is just the aftershock of being as unwell as I've been the last couple of years, combined with a series of miscarriages and other losses, too many losses. It could be just grief and failure talking.
^I'm so sorry you have so much grief.
I hope you will find a way forward where you can begin to be happier.
 
Thread starter #28
^Yes it is. Well said there.



^Me neither I completely understand. But at the same time I'm being encouraged by my psydoc and T to get out there.



^Me too. Solitude and living with myself has become quite addictive. I find it easier in so many ways. But it does have it's drawbacks. Confusing at times... I know.



^Again, I completely agree. For me it's a lost cause too. I've found it hard to adjust.



^I'm so sorry you have so much grief.
I hope you will find a way forward where you can begin to be happier.
I am getting happier; when I do yoga, when I tune in to my inner self, my faith. I am happily in love with my partner. I am happy when my kid's make progress or are having a good time. I enjoy learning new stuff, enjoy being in nature, enjoy quiet, enjoy artistic expression. So it's not all horrid.
I have small, quiet, happys.
The grief is there, but easing. But people, are just to much.
My failures are heavy, so heavy that I don't feel I can do social interaction. Too raw, too fragile, too much shame, still, too tentative, too frightened, I'm ashamed to admit.
 
Thread starter #29
I'm finding my way.
Learning who is this, more stable, but way more, tentative me. I am less trusting than ever before.
I used to have social, "public" ambitions and vocation, now I have quieter needs, art, personal yoga practice. I used to be loud, getting in front of/behind a microphone and/or doin' my thang in front of lots of people. Perish the thought, now.
I am healing though.:-).
 
#30
think they would like to get to know me, but I'm too afraid. I think "they don't know the REAL me, when they find out what I'm REALLY like, they won't like me or else they will want to use me".

Exploitation has been a reoccurring theme in my life as well , and when I'm no longer happy to be exploited and used, I'm quickly discarded.
I relate to this so much, you have no idea. I wish I had a tangible answer, or something I could tell you that I knew would help. I always feel like an outsider, and always have that fear when people seem interested in me that if they really knew me, they would either lose interest or want to exploit me.
I try be aware of when I'm feeling this way, so I can remind myself that its unrealistic. Of course, feelings dont follow logic but when I tell myself something isnt rational, that's an reminder that I dont have to place conscious energy into these beliefs by looking for evidence to validate the story it tells. You know what I mean?
I struggle with this a lot so the best I have managed to do is interrupt the thoughts tied to these beliefs and try to shift them before they go down to a bad place. Then I try to be compassionate toward myself as well.
 
Thread starter #31
(In the mean time, as that kind of big overhaul waiting sucks so badly)... You don’t share that culture and its views, though.

I think that means you are already out, where it might matter most: Your heart/mind.
The rest will, as you said, come along in time. :sneaky:
This really rings true for me. Thank you @Ronin :-).
I really enjoy the solid place my self-and- culture examination has brought me.
I'm not subject to the panicy manipulation and rote and reactionary negativity and disempowering modes of thinking and acting that I see around me and I love how my worldview gives me greater peace of mind and stability and surety than before.
I still live in the same place, but, in my mind and heart, I've moved on, and I'm solid, like never before.
I feel more connected to people, any people, just people in towns, shopping malls, on the streets and everywhere.

This shift is so worthwhile and it's like I've left a cult and I'm free! :-)
 
Thread starter #32
I relate to this so much, you have no idea. I wish I had a tangible answer, or something I could tell you that I knew would help. I always feel like an outsider, and always have that fear when people seem interested in me that if they really knew me, they would either lose interest or want to exploit me.
I try be aware of when I'm feeling this way, so I can remind myself that its unrealistic. Of course, feelings dont follow logic but when I tell myself something isnt rational, that's an reminder that I dont have to place conscious energy into these beliefs by looking for evidence to validate the story it tells. You know what I mean?
I struggle with this a lot so the best I have managed to do is interrupt the thoughts tied to these beliefs and try to shift them before they go down to a bad place. Then I try to be compassionate toward myself as well.
It sounds like you are doing well with it :-) @fern.
I am making good headway too. Slowly, slowly I am breaking my inner chains and feeling connected to other's in a way I never did before.
Feeling so vulnerable, I do limit my interactions to a minimum, other than my partner and children and therapist, but what I am doing, is working, because those feelings? Are dissipating.
 
Thread starter #33
Update; I really feel I have conquered the feelings and cognitive distortions that motivated me to make this thread.

I have a beautiful sense of self acceptance and a cherishing of myself, self care and self recognition I never had before.

Part of this was recognising that I am on the spectrum, being a very "typical" in a sense (from a lot of research I've done, personally) Aspergers woman, complete with "high IQ" (for whatever that is worth, I think it just means I have "special needs" and am a very complex, complicated and for plenty of people, annoying person) and high sensitivities.

I've stopped trying to work against my nature to fit in. I've resigned myself to a lot of me-time, quiet time, isolation (well, what else can one do? in the time of "COVID"?) and I've just worked with developing my strengths and interests and self care.


It helps that I am in a very fulfilling relationship with someone who really, really, loves me and appreciates me for me. I never had that before, in any significant, reliable way.

So, yeah, I just felt like sharing my progress, with yaz all.

I am waiting on getting some of my "special needs" addressed. But, due to the current, collective, hypervigilant situation, all that's been held up.

Luckily, I have lots of books, art supplies, internet and a safe home.
 
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