ashleechestin
New Here
i have had PTSD for 6 years. I was a victim of a violent crime, had a friend commit suicide ten minutes after leaving their house and I had NO IDEA they were even struggling that drastically very unexpected and shocking blamed myself, had a friend 37 die of pancreatic cancer, had to be a witness and go to court numerous times over this period as well due to being a victim of a crime, then after all this my ex husband moved his new family out of state away from my daughters (traumatic for them so in turn hard for me0 although I found it refreshing to not have to deal w him * then our only support system got relocated and had to move away, and then to top off this two year period MY COUNSELOR DIED SUDDENLY!!! what?? OK ...
this month marks 4 years since that 2 year period of loss and trauma ended for me. Since that time I have had MANY weird hurdles mentally. Couldn't check my mail forever (not sure why) just wouldn't do it. Because of that I had a lien put on my house for forgetting to pay my covenants since I didnt check my mail .... hard way to learn that lesson.... I have been crippled when it comes to planning meals or grocery shopping... overcoming that slowly. I have lost friends and am down to oh maybe a handful of non intimate friendships ... which is partly fine, only because I don't tolerate anyone's crap anymore and when I set a boundary and get treated like crap I tend to cut it off.. flight or fight... I have a VERY stressful work environment in emergency medicine which I manage pretty well ..... ive noticed my ability to plan things has gotten a little better as my daughters graduation party while it put me over the edge of emotional breakdown, still managed to happen. BUT that being said... I HATE myself daily because all I wanna do is sit around. I watch netflix, I putter, but I never really get much done, plus I LOVE working out and wild horses couldn't keep me from working out 6 years ago ,,, now progressively and at its worst now I will spend a whole day thinking oh I'll go to the gym soon and 7 days go by 4 of them I'm off work and I went to the gym once. I have company coming this friday, a list of things I need to do (lists are great by the way) BUT here I sit still in my shorts and tank top bed head and glasses and haven't left the house except to buy cigarettes... OH thats another thing I took up smoking!!!! REGRET THAT since its so addictive I feel I cant quit. SO all this lack of motivation, laziness and smoking cause shame and guilt and self loathing of which are NO good either. Last week I had jury duty (first time in my life and first time in a courtroom since my case) however I went and it was a manslaughter case thank GOD I didn't get picked BUT it was definitely a trigger and I noticed I had a racing heart and shaky hands afterward,,,, ugh.. also I got in trouble at work first time ever in ten years for losing it and just throwing basically a tantrum.... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD can I just be the person I use to be????? cheerful, unassuming, forgiving , motivated, FIT, unaddicted and kinda normal??????? anyone ?
this month marks 4 years since that 2 year period of loss and trauma ended for me. Since that time I have had MANY weird hurdles mentally. Couldn't check my mail forever (not sure why) just wouldn't do it. Because of that I had a lien put on my house for forgetting to pay my covenants since I didnt check my mail .... hard way to learn that lesson.... I have been crippled when it comes to planning meals or grocery shopping... overcoming that slowly. I have lost friends and am down to oh maybe a handful of non intimate friendships ... which is partly fine, only because I don't tolerate anyone's crap anymore and when I set a boundary and get treated like crap I tend to cut it off.. flight or fight... I have a VERY stressful work environment in emergency medicine which I manage pretty well ..... ive noticed my ability to plan things has gotten a little better as my daughters graduation party while it put me over the edge of emotional breakdown, still managed to happen. BUT that being said... I HATE myself daily because all I wanna do is sit around. I watch netflix, I putter, but I never really get much done, plus I LOVE working out and wild horses couldn't keep me from working out 6 years ago ,,, now progressively and at its worst now I will spend a whole day thinking oh I'll go to the gym soon and 7 days go by 4 of them I'm off work and I went to the gym once. I have company coming this friday, a list of things I need to do (lists are great by the way) BUT here I sit still in my shorts and tank top bed head and glasses and haven't left the house except to buy cigarettes... OH thats another thing I took up smoking!!!! REGRET THAT since its so addictive I feel I cant quit. SO all this lack of motivation, laziness and smoking cause shame and guilt and self loathing of which are NO good either. Last week I had jury duty (first time in my life and first time in a courtroom since my case) however I went and it was a manslaughter case thank GOD I didn't get picked BUT it was definitely a trigger and I noticed I had a racing heart and shaky hands afterward,,,, ugh.. also I got in trouble at work first time ever in ten years for losing it and just throwing basically a tantrum.... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD can I just be the person I use to be????? cheerful, unassuming, forgiving , motivated, FIT, unaddicted and kinda normal??????? anyone ?
