new gamma rays
Bronze Member
Its the holiday season for me, which, when not in denial, means some of the emotion the two Decembers I spent in the states horrific involuntary mental health hospital in a row - 2010 and 2011, are part of the mix of my fear and outrage right now, but mainly its being around the parents that did it. Those two years they were the deciding factor in the major traumas that came my way. Both times I was forced to an ER against my will, both times I ended up being railroaded into the state's involuntary 'treatment' laws. By the 'end' of the whole saga in early 2012 I ended up in a group home (but came home for most of that time) I came home for good last year. But all the wounds are raw - I've never really had time to delve in it properly in therapy, or had just the calmness around me to process it in any way. Both my mom and my dad are triggers, and although my mom is the one who did me the most intentional harm- it is my dad who can be the worst at night.
y. I just have unrelenting anger at my parents for betraying me and putting me, when I was in an incredible complicated situation of poor physical health - in to an ER for my "Mental Health" 2 years of my life lost, incalculable mental damage. I'm never going to be the same. I may never even live much longer. But living in this house with this anger makes me want to kill myself right now. They were gone last weekend, and my life was still unbearable at times, but my mood was my own to control. Tonight the tension hit a peak and I managed to drive most of it away just venting anger out in the yard. I feel a little bit better, but each time it happens I feel I could just lose it completely and that puts me into more constant fight or flight mode. Instead I just force it back down and a trigger brings it back out. I need space for my sanity, but its really hard for me to leave the house. And lately even my dad being in the room next to me at night, when my physical pain is the worst, sets me over the edge. At best I can go to my cousins for a day or two, but I don't have anything figured out. I've just let myself be screwed into this situation.
y. I just have unrelenting anger at my parents for betraying me and putting me, when I was in an incredible complicated situation of poor physical health - in to an ER for my "Mental Health" 2 years of my life lost, incalculable mental damage. I'm never going to be the same. I may never even live much longer. But living in this house with this anger makes me want to kill myself right now. They were gone last weekend, and my life was still unbearable at times, but my mood was my own to control. Tonight the tension hit a peak and I managed to drive most of it away just venting anger out in the yard. I feel a little bit better, but each time it happens I feel I could just lose it completely and that puts me into more constant fight or flight mode. Instead I just force it back down and a trigger brings it back out. I need space for my sanity, but its really hard for me to leave the house. And lately even my dad being in the room next to me at night, when my physical pain is the worst, sets me over the edge. At best I can go to my cousins for a day or two, but I don't have anything figured out. I've just let myself be screwed into this situation.
