boygirlwunder
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My C-PTSD stems from being raised in a household where there was unresolved trauma and it was shared there were “spirits” roaming around. Little kid me became scared crapless to be inside my body in fear I’ll be exposed to them. It took me many years to acknowledge that because I had a “big T” that shook me to my core at age 11.
One of my best friends and I were playing when she died in front of me. I froze, prayed to God she wasn’t dead, and sat on the top bunk of her bed until her family finally came in.
This created several issues for me, which mainly were hidden to most people who knew me since I “appeared okay”. I also already had general & social anxiety along with depression, inherited from my dad’s side of the family.
I’m 42 now, struggled with “mild addiction” while maintaining a “normal life” and came out as queer in my late 30s. Most of my relationships had me at least a little if not much emotionally unavailable, while trying my best to appear available (all not fully consciously).
After having a lot of healing and insight, I decided my alcohol & thc misuse was no longer serving me and also couldn’t hide from the deeper wounds any longer.
I am starting my 4th week out of 8 in an IOP and the second week in, I blurted out “If I face how lonely I am, I fear I will die.”
To me — if I allow myself to be present and actually feel fully, my body will shut down like my friend’s did when “I didn’t save her.”
Sharing this because it took me 31 years to get there and so glad I did. Thanks for reading.
Onward and Upward.
One of my best friends and I were playing when she died in front of me. I froze, prayed to God she wasn’t dead, and sat on the top bunk of her bed until her family finally came in.
This created several issues for me, which mainly were hidden to most people who knew me since I “appeared okay”. I also already had general & social anxiety along with depression, inherited from my dad’s side of the family.
I’m 42 now, struggled with “mild addiction” while maintaining a “normal life” and came out as queer in my late 30s. Most of my relationships had me at least a little if not much emotionally unavailable, while trying my best to appear available (all not fully consciously).
After having a lot of healing and insight, I decided my alcohol & thc misuse was no longer serving me and also couldn’t hide from the deeper wounds any longer.
I am starting my 4th week out of 8 in an IOP and the second week in, I blurted out “If I face how lonely I am, I fear I will die.”
To me — if I allow myself to be present and actually feel fully, my body will shut down like my friend’s did when “I didn’t save her.”
Sharing this because it took me 31 years to get there and so glad I did. Thanks for reading.
Onward and Upward.
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