Unsupportive Spouse

[RoxySoCalEW]

I've had problems for a long time, and my husband has been frank about telling me I have "mental problems" every time we fight. Maybe he said it to be mean, but he was right of course. But, when I was diagnosed with PTSD about a week and a half ago, he a) denied I had it and b) told me I was being overly dramatic and seeking attention.

Seriously, I was ready to divorce his ass at that point. The only people I've told are my 2 best friends and him.. I can't even work up the courage to tell my parents or siblings, and I doubt I ever will.

We've talked about it some more and he's apologized, but there are just some things I can't forget. He's unsupportive of this in every aspect.. complains about the time of my therapy appointments (which don't even start until next Wednesday), he tries to change the subject if I bring it up, and he's laying heavy hints that I should just forget about this entirely because he thinks I'll lose my security clearance and ultimately get kicked out.

I don't really know what to do about this. Venting online is easy enough, but saying this out loud to him is difficult because one of my symptoms is conflict avoidance. It's easier to pretend everything is hunky dory than talk about whats really going on, especially because I know the rage I'm capable of and I'm afraid I'll lose my shit entirely and throw something at him or worse. I've never been violent at all, towards anyone.. but if anyone can push my buttons it's him. How do I address this?

What do I do about a husband that is so unsupportive?

 

[Zemi]

Hi, not sure on what would help with him or how to handle his lack of support and hoping others have some ideas that will help. One thing I wondered is if he is usually supportive about other things or not? As in, is the lack of support connected with his own issues? Was it his baby (child) also, if so that could be part of what is going on. Might help you to identify if being unsupportive is a pattern that he always displays or if it's specifically connected with this. Are your friends supportive; and I'm glad you were able to tell them what is happening.

 

[Cheshire]

One thing I wondered is if he is usually supportive about other things or not? As in, is the lack of support connected with his own issues?

I wondered that too. My ex was thoroughly unsupportive when I was dealing with grief, anxiety and depression (pre-PTSD) and I started seeing a psychologist, and it turned out that he hated me seeing a psych because he was so insecure and so possessive that he was expecting the psych to tell me that he was no good for me, that he was abusive and tell me to leave him. Of course, turns out she was right.

I just wonder if maybe that's where his lack of support is coming from. Is he normally supportive about other things? Is he possessive or insecure in that way?

 

[Nicolette]

I agree with all the question posed above and am sorry you are not getting support from your husband.

Denial may be a reason for being unsupportive?

Does your husband really know what PTSD is and have you explained to him what he can do to make life easier for both of you by avoiding doing things which trigger your PTSD? Have you asked him if he thinks he is supporting you as he may be confused by but it sounds to me he might be struggling to accept your diagnosis and/or doesn't know how to deal with it.

He may also understand and could be frightened of the consequences of the labeling which may occur?

Best suggestion I can think of is to ask him what he feels about it all and ask him to tell you what he thinks is going on (when both of you are in a calm state).

 

[ronin47]

It's denial most likely.

Also, there's something I learned in Anthropology class that I think is applicable to your situation. There's a commonly held belief that cultural differences are sources of conflict. However, most anthropologists teach that cultural differences get used to reinforce conflicts after they've already started, they are manipulated by the true source of conflict.

Your husbands lack of being supportive has nothing to do with you. Him reminding you of your "mental problems" is him trying to avoid the real source of the dispute and blame it on something else. He is reacting to your diagnosis with fear and denial because, I would imagine, he doesn't understand it. He is probably scared of the ways you or your life together might change because of it. He doesn't know what to expect.

My first suggestion would be to try to have him see a mental health professional, on his own or in a joint session, to explain PTSD and its implications to him.

If he is resistive to that idea, I would talk to your therapist about how to discuss it with him calmly and effectively and then do so maybe in a place like the park or a cafe. That will force you both to stay composed while talking. Maybe you could leave him a note somewhere detailing how important it is to you that you both discuss this, or at least he discuss it with someone who is a authority on the subject.

 

[RoxySoCalEW]

Yes, it was his baby.. he's normally a supportive partner in nearly all aspects, definitely not abusive or possessive (thank God).

The death of our daughter is the one glaring exception, which I've always chalked up to the differences between men and women and how we grieve. We both have had issues in dealing with our grief; he became an alcoholic for more than a year afterwards, so our focus was on getting him better and now that he's in a better place, I'm falling apart because I've put off dealing with my own issues.

I suspect part of the reason he's so resistant to accepting the fact that I'm "sick" is because I'm always the strong one. He's dealt with a lot of horrible, terrible tragedies in his life, so facing tough situations is something that he just is no longer equipped for.

He definitely needs to see a shrink but he won't.. he won't admit it, but I know it's a pride issue for him. He thinks he can handle it all on his own. Makes me suspect that he would prefer I just go on pretending everything is cool so we can have a "happy life", meanwhile the nightmares and mood swings get worse and worse. :-/ I wouldn't even mind if he didn't want to talk about it, but accusing me of making it up for attention was just so far below the belt it's hard for me to even look at him now.

 

[Nicolette]

Well, seems like you've found the problem with your situation. Now you need to work out what to do.

 

[SimplyComplex]

My husband was unsupportive at first as well...not quite as verbal about it (he is far more passive aggressive). But I just didn't bring it up...I did what was right for me. I just knew it was the right thing to do despite everyone, my 2 best friends were not supportive either. Over time he started to see how much better and worse, as I was facing my traumas, I was. He saw that he had to change with me if he wanted to stay with me. I never even told him (except about keeping alcohol in the house I let him know I would be in AA every night if he was home drinking). And he has changed alot. He is in therapy on his own. It isn't perfect all the time, but we are growing alot closer.

People are afraid of change. They are afraid for you to change because that means things will change for them too. Men might be afraid you will get more self esteem and leave.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Roxy,

Do what you need to do for yourself. It sounds like your husband has to work on his own issues. Sometimes spouses cannot or will not be a supporter, so it important to develop your own support network of people you trust.

Take care of yourself first.

Debbie

 

[OKRADLAK]

Personally, I would give it a while, but I really should not respond because I would not put up with that sh*t for a second. You both were hurt terribly and to call you a faker?

I would be gone. But that is just me!