Hello all,
I'm new to the forum, and thought I would ask for anyone's advice, and to thank all the contributors here for a voice I recognize that mirrors so much of my own experience, yet everyone's story is uniquely their's - in tragedy, time in wait, and triumph.
My ex grew up in my an especially cruel, abusive, & broken family. Shuffled around state to state with horrendously damaging parents both when they were together and after they divorced. Mother battled addiction and abuse, and father was a sociopath. A man who hid letters their mother wrote them, and made them believe for years she stopped writing them because he told them she was dead. A childhood filled with verbal, psychological, emotional, and some physical abuse. In addition to a few abusive adult relationships that included a few incidents of domestic violence.
We started dating in July and were like 2 peas in a pod. Not an emotional roller-coaster, just a relationship that felt honest, rewarding, forthcoming with one another, and blissfully comfortable. A kind of loving relationship that felt lived in and an intimacy that far surpassed our time together.
By end of September we were casually discussing marriage, kids, etc. I wasn't the one who initiated either subject, and there was no sense of rush, like we needed to spontaneously run off and jump in. Granted, I understand that it's not typical to discuss so early, but I've been around the block many times, and never married, because I was always respectful of the commitment and being as certain as much as one can expect. In fact, I knew she had reservations about having another child- she was married very young and had a son at 20, whose 15 now. I told her that a part of me always wanted to be a father, but right now I was not in a place where I wanted to have a kid, and was emphatic in saying that under no circumstances would I want us to have a child unless it was something we both were in total agreement with the decision. A child is not something that you half-heartedly decide to bring into the world if you have that choice. I made clear that there was no pressure or expectation. I wasn't even the one that brought it up, and yet in spite of all this she started contradicting herself, and talking about how unbelievably adorable and smart our kid(s) would be, and if we were going to do it she didn't feel comfortable getting pregnant after 38 (3 years) if we were going to do it. It's not like we were talking about right away or for a while. I told her again that having a kid wasn't a dealbreaker or must and I wasn't in any position to even entertain having a kid for a while.
To put some perspective on all this, our fantasy future talk comprised maybe 0.5% of our conversations while still together.
Here's the kicker, she at the time wasn't even aware that she suffers from CPTSD.
She was in therapy for years before her therapist released her and said he didn't think she needed to continue regular sessions unless something changed. What I do remember her telling me was that her therapist back then mentioned to her that she exhibited many symptoms of people with PTSD. Obviously resuming therapy is a must, and I know she would want to given new information.
Looking back now, after much reflection and research, there were so many flags of her being triggered all the time.
I say this as objectively as possible, I was not the source of her triggers and flashbacks.
It started around the end of September- just before the anniversary of her younger brother's suicide. Something she carries guilt for and was her closest sibling, even though I know the story, and she had no responsibility - in fact, her father directly drove him to suicide, but she feels she failed him, even at 29. So much so she literally gets sick every year leading up to the date.
This touched off a 4 week string of traumatic / stressful incidents. Her son's father is a psycho narcissist, and if ignored goes off and is 10x worse. The cops refuse to do anything, and he actively turned their son against her. No parent is perfect, but this woman works her ass off with no support to give him a wonderful home, pays for private schooling, and always trying to go to extra mile so he can have fun with his friends while staying involved with making sure he is on top of his school work. The one criticism he has is the hours she has to work because she's doing it all on her own. The father manipulates the situation to poison the well and tells the son she doesn't care about him and that's why she's not around as much as the other moms- even though he doesn't pay a dime and isn't involved in his son's life except 2 weekends a month. The guy hasn't worked in years and moved back in with his elderly parents.
When he found out about me, he went into overdrive to make her life a living hell. The cops won't do a thing, it's pathetic. We discussed moving out of the area down the road because he's truly a toxic person, and once he found out she was happy he made it his mission to make her life miserable.
On top of that, it seemed like every 2nd or 3rd day a new disaster struck- she got side-swiped by a semi on the highway, lost control, and got run off the road into a ditch. I won't list everything, but 4 weeks of events like this happened 2 or 3 times a week. Until the capper, 4 days after her birthday, she gets a call at 2am saying her mom is in the ICU and probably won't make it through the night. Miraculously, she pulled through, but I know that brought up a lot of conflicted emotions.
She began to withdraw, started finding little things to nitpick and criticize about the relationship. Tiny stuff every relationship has, and you talk and work it out. In 2 weeks it went from marriage to all of a sudden she wouldn't answer the phone, and wouldn't see me in person - even in public. She was convinced I was trying to lure her into a face to face so I could go off on her, yell, and take everything out on her.
That's completely not my demeanor, and the entire time we've been together, always been proactive and mature in communicating before little things became big ones.
The entire time all this was going on I was just trying to be supportive, offering to help in any way I could.
Then she texts me she thinks she's better off alone and going to move in the spring out of state. I respond that I better understand the reason she needs to get away from such toxic people, and I'm fine with that because I saw what was going on and appreciated the circumstances.
We had discussed moving in the future already, and if it meant getting out of the nightmare of a few people doing real damage to her, I would of course do it sooner because after witnessing what she's been having to endure, it broke my heart.
She text back she needed to think about it, and after 5 days I got a message that again she thought she was better off alone, and it wouldn't work because of her son- (who will be in college in 2 & half years), and that she's moving in the spring - probably after the school year in June.
For the next week and a half, she'd respond to text, back and forth, and i didn't keep harping on the relationship - just wanted to talk about whatever and be a familiar voice- or text in this case. She even initially agreed to just meet somewhere to exchange one another's stuff.
Then I got a text late on a Sunday night just saying,
"I'm sorry. For Everything" and a youtube link to the song, Hollywood Cemetery Forever, by Father John Misty.
After that, she stopped responding, and I only tried to reach out to her a few times, and nothing too heavy or pushy.
I boxed up her stuff, including some stuff that I had bought for her but hadn't been able to give along with a couple of letters. None that were attacking her, along with Pete Walker's book, Surviving to Thriving.
How she went through this for years not knowing or how to handle, I'm amazed and saddened for the lifetime of pain.
I don't know what to do, I waver reaching out because before all this neither of us were even aware of CPTSD. Or, do I just give her space?
It's weird, because I typically don't handle break ups well, but with her, I of course hurt, but there was just this different feeling, a certainty to our bond. It has allowed me to be more composed and understanding, even in my pain and uncertainty. As time drags on, that uncertainty builds, and I don't know what to make of all that's happened that had really nothing to do with us, but has everything to do with the ability for there to be an us ever again.
I'm happy to clarify, and thank you for listening in advance. It's tough to encapsulate the experience and fullness of a relationship into a post I know. It's like the old saying,
Poetry is the art of saying what can't be said. To attempt to describe the indescribable.
Ironically, she inspired me to start writing poetry again for the first time since college- close to 20 years
Your advice, both kind words and blunt truths, are very much needed and appreciated more than you know.
Loving and learning more about survivors of childhood abuse and trauma & CPT has brought to light some things from my own childhood to add to the range and fury of emotions.
Thank you again for this beautiful resource, and the ability to connect when sometimes it not only feels like you're alone on an island, but off in the distance you're watching a loved one drown while encircled by sharks.
I'm new to the forum, and thought I would ask for anyone's advice, and to thank all the contributors here for a voice I recognize that mirrors so much of my own experience, yet everyone's story is uniquely their's - in tragedy, time in wait, and triumph.
My ex grew up in my an especially cruel, abusive, & broken family. Shuffled around state to state with horrendously damaging parents both when they were together and after they divorced. Mother battled addiction and abuse, and father was a sociopath. A man who hid letters their mother wrote them, and made them believe for years she stopped writing them because he told them she was dead. A childhood filled with verbal, psychological, emotional, and some physical abuse. In addition to a few abusive adult relationships that included a few incidents of domestic violence.
We started dating in July and were like 2 peas in a pod. Not an emotional roller-coaster, just a relationship that felt honest, rewarding, forthcoming with one another, and blissfully comfortable. A kind of loving relationship that felt lived in and an intimacy that far surpassed our time together.
By end of September we were casually discussing marriage, kids, etc. I wasn't the one who initiated either subject, and there was no sense of rush, like we needed to spontaneously run off and jump in. Granted, I understand that it's not typical to discuss so early, but I've been around the block many times, and never married, because I was always respectful of the commitment and being as certain as much as one can expect. In fact, I knew she had reservations about having another child- she was married very young and had a son at 20, whose 15 now. I told her that a part of me always wanted to be a father, but right now I was not in a place where I wanted to have a kid, and was emphatic in saying that under no circumstances would I want us to have a child unless it was something we both were in total agreement with the decision. A child is not something that you half-heartedly decide to bring into the world if you have that choice. I made clear that there was no pressure or expectation. I wasn't even the one that brought it up, and yet in spite of all this she started contradicting herself, and talking about how unbelievably adorable and smart our kid(s) would be, and if we were going to do it she didn't feel comfortable getting pregnant after 38 (3 years) if we were going to do it. It's not like we were talking about right away or for a while. I told her again that having a kid wasn't a dealbreaker or must and I wasn't in any position to even entertain having a kid for a while.
To put some perspective on all this, our fantasy future talk comprised maybe 0.5% of our conversations while still together.
Here's the kicker, she at the time wasn't even aware that she suffers from CPTSD.
She was in therapy for years before her therapist released her and said he didn't think she needed to continue regular sessions unless something changed. What I do remember her telling me was that her therapist back then mentioned to her that she exhibited many symptoms of people with PTSD. Obviously resuming therapy is a must, and I know she would want to given new information.
Looking back now, after much reflection and research, there were so many flags of her being triggered all the time.
I say this as objectively as possible, I was not the source of her triggers and flashbacks.
It started around the end of September- just before the anniversary of her younger brother's suicide. Something she carries guilt for and was her closest sibling, even though I know the story, and she had no responsibility - in fact, her father directly drove him to suicide, but she feels she failed him, even at 29. So much so she literally gets sick every year leading up to the date.
This touched off a 4 week string of traumatic / stressful incidents. Her son's father is a psycho narcissist, and if ignored goes off and is 10x worse. The cops refuse to do anything, and he actively turned their son against her. No parent is perfect, but this woman works her ass off with no support to give him a wonderful home, pays for private schooling, and always trying to go to extra mile so he can have fun with his friends while staying involved with making sure he is on top of his school work. The one criticism he has is the hours she has to work because she's doing it all on her own. The father manipulates the situation to poison the well and tells the son she doesn't care about him and that's why she's not around as much as the other moms- even though he doesn't pay a dime and isn't involved in his son's life except 2 weekends a month. The guy hasn't worked in years and moved back in with his elderly parents.
When he found out about me, he went into overdrive to make her life a living hell. The cops won't do a thing, it's pathetic. We discussed moving out of the area down the road because he's truly a toxic person, and once he found out she was happy he made it his mission to make her life miserable.
On top of that, it seemed like every 2nd or 3rd day a new disaster struck- she got side-swiped by a semi on the highway, lost control, and got run off the road into a ditch. I won't list everything, but 4 weeks of events like this happened 2 or 3 times a week. Until the capper, 4 days after her birthday, she gets a call at 2am saying her mom is in the ICU and probably won't make it through the night. Miraculously, she pulled through, but I know that brought up a lot of conflicted emotions.
She began to withdraw, started finding little things to nitpick and criticize about the relationship. Tiny stuff every relationship has, and you talk and work it out. In 2 weeks it went from marriage to all of a sudden she wouldn't answer the phone, and wouldn't see me in person - even in public. She was convinced I was trying to lure her into a face to face so I could go off on her, yell, and take everything out on her.
That's completely not my demeanor, and the entire time we've been together, always been proactive and mature in communicating before little things became big ones.
The entire time all this was going on I was just trying to be supportive, offering to help in any way I could.
Then she texts me she thinks she's better off alone and going to move in the spring out of state. I respond that I better understand the reason she needs to get away from such toxic people, and I'm fine with that because I saw what was going on and appreciated the circumstances.
We had discussed moving in the future already, and if it meant getting out of the nightmare of a few people doing real damage to her, I would of course do it sooner because after witnessing what she's been having to endure, it broke my heart.
She text back she needed to think about it, and after 5 days I got a message that again she thought she was better off alone, and it wouldn't work because of her son- (who will be in college in 2 & half years), and that she's moving in the spring - probably after the school year in June.
For the next week and a half, she'd respond to text, back and forth, and i didn't keep harping on the relationship - just wanted to talk about whatever and be a familiar voice- or text in this case. She even initially agreed to just meet somewhere to exchange one another's stuff.
Then I got a text late on a Sunday night just saying,
"I'm sorry. For Everything" and a youtube link to the song, Hollywood Cemetery Forever, by Father John Misty.
After that, she stopped responding, and I only tried to reach out to her a few times, and nothing too heavy or pushy.
I boxed up her stuff, including some stuff that I had bought for her but hadn't been able to give along with a couple of letters. None that were attacking her, along with Pete Walker's book, Surviving to Thriving.
How she went through this for years not knowing or how to handle, I'm amazed and saddened for the lifetime of pain.
I don't know what to do, I waver reaching out because before all this neither of us were even aware of CPTSD. Or, do I just give her space?
It's weird, because I typically don't handle break ups well, but with her, I of course hurt, but there was just this different feeling, a certainty to our bond. It has allowed me to be more composed and understanding, even in my pain and uncertainty. As time drags on, that uncertainty builds, and I don't know what to make of all that's happened that had really nothing to do with us, but has everything to do with the ability for there to be an us ever again.
I'm happy to clarify, and thank you for listening in advance. It's tough to encapsulate the experience and fullness of a relationship into a post I know. It's like the old saying,
Poetry is the art of saying what can't be said. To attempt to describe the indescribable.
Ironically, she inspired me to start writing poetry again for the first time since college- close to 20 years
Your advice, both kind words and blunt truths, are very much needed and appreciated more than you know.
Loving and learning more about survivors of childhood abuse and trauma & CPT has brought to light some things from my own childhood to add to the range and fury of emotions.
Thank you again for this beautiful resource, and the ability to connect when sometimes it not only feels like you're alone on an island, but off in the distance you're watching a loved one drown while encircled by sharks.
Last edited by a moderator:
