Unworthy.

[Privateer]

My wife and I have been married just over a year. We were together for several years before that, but hadn't the money for a wedding, until we came up with the idea of doing it the medieval way, rather than the Victorian way that most folk do.

Anyway, it was a great wedding and, until recently, a great marriage. Now, though, I'm really worried about us. Well, that's not strictly true. It's not 'us' that's the problem, is it?

It's me.

I don't feel that I'm able to live up to the vows I made. I don't feel able to be a proper husband. I'm too jumpy, too easily stressed out, too weak.

I think she deserves better. She deserves someone who can be a proper husband for her. Someone who makes a decent wage and isn't nuts, for a start.

We were trying for kids. We still are, but what sort of father could a man like me ever be?

I want her to have all the things she ever wanted. I want her to be happy. She says all she wants is me and that she can't be happy without me but...well, she would say that, wouldn't she?

I'm not worthy of her- of anyone- anymore. She'd be better off with someone else.

What should I do?

 

[p-no]

Privateer, I hope you won't take this as an offense. But if you ask me, I'd say: go over to her and give her a huge hug!

 

[KP the nut]

(((Privateer)))), I want to say something but hope that you don't take it the wrong way. It is how I feel. Is it OK to say it?

 

[Privateer]

Sure thing. You can't say anything that's worse than what I already think about myself.

 

[KP the nut]

OK. IMHO, this is the 'macho cr*p' raising its ugly face. In general men are brought up to believe that they are the protectors, the strong ones, the bread winners. I don't know your vows, but I'd guess that 'in sickness and in health' were some where there.

I think she deserves better.

You think that, not her. You are the man she chose, you are the husband she chose. You are the one she loves.

We were trying for kids. We still are, but what sort of father could a man like me ever be?

Again IMHO, but a man who worries about what sort of Dad he will be, will be a great Dad. Kids are not easy, they don't come with a manual, you will make mistakes, we all do, but take it one day at a time.

I'm not worthy of her- of anyone- anymore. She'd be better off with someone else.

Your opinion, not hers. Again, she chose you, not someone else.

As prime-no says, give her a hug. Try and talk to her, if you can, show her what you wrote here. But remember that wedding and those vows.

It is the PTSD bringing these doubts, please be kind to yourself and each other.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Privateer]

I'm sorry. I'm being selfish, I know. She needs me just now, as her own trauma is bothering her again, but I don't feel able to help her and it's crushing me.

 

[KP the nut]

Thank you for not throwing something at me :rolleyes:.

You are not being selfish, it is this inbred belief that you must be the strong one. Remember though, that 2 are stronger together than one on their own.

You need each other, go with that for now.

 

[Privateer]

The thing is, I always have been the strong one. Not just in romantic relationships, but in everything. I lead people, I protect people, I rescue people and if needs be I get smushed doing it.

I know that saying that makes me sound like a complete prick, but it's just what I do. I mean, 'if not me then who?'

I just can't reconcile that with what's happening now and I'm terrified for what that means for us. She fell in love with me as I was.

 

[KP the nut]

BRB, just going for wine :brb::hungover:

 

[Trembling]

Privateer, I am sneaking in here, as I heard all of what you wrote down by my newly wedded hubby.

Listen to Prime-No.
Listen to your heart, if you can.


She would not be with you anymore, if she would not want to.

 

[KP the nut]

OK, dogs fed, wine at hand :rolleyes:.

You are still the man she fell in love with.

I've been married 32 years. H was always the one who took care of me. Maybe 20 years ago, he couldn't, the tables turned and he was the one who needed protecting and cared for. Was it easy, no. Did I do it, of course. Did it stop me loving him, definitely not.

Even without illness, people change.

Have you told your wife how you are feeling.

We can go to chat if you want

 

[Privateer]

Afraid I can't use chat, as I've just arrived at work; The Land That Java Forgot.

I feel a bit better for getting it out and The Wife and I had a bit of a chat before I left the house. I honestly don't understand why she loves me, but it seems she still does.

I think her judgement must be impaired.