Unworthy.

[Trembling]

Privateer, maybe her judgement is, but it is her to decide if it is love or not.

If YOU do not love her anymore, it is YOU who has to make a decision and to clearly tell her.

Pushing away is not a solution, making a statement is a different story.

The understanding of love? Who does?

Thanks to you I just checked Wikipedia and it is explained....

But they did not consider the presence of PTSD - therefore I hope for you - simply, what makes you feel good.

 

[Privateer]

I do. As much as ever. It's just that I can't control my emotions very well just now and it just feels so unfair to expect her to put up with that.

She would be better off without me, I'm sure. She just doesn't see it. Losing her would kill me, but there's not much left to kill anyway.

 

[Trembling]

You sound like my hubby, no offense here.

Of course life would be much easier for us without our PTSD hubbies, I fully agree with you, and I am sure she does see it, but it is not what she wants - obviously, otherwise she would have left you already.

And "Yes", there is something left in you, if not, you would not care about being with or without her.

 

[Privateer]

I'm really sorry. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I just try to make things better, but always get everything wrong and just make things worse.

At this point I would usually burst in to tears, but I'm at work, so that's not really an option. I'll just have to sit here with a sore face for the time being.

 

[Trembling]

What are you sorry for? Feelings?

Well, bursting in tears, yep it helps, but I know the "wrong time wrong place" situation, work definitely is the wrong place, but - sure you have got a bathroom you can go to?!
Cold splash in your face - sometimes works better than any word.

Why do you think you make it worse? Always wrong? Really? Why are you still fighting for than?

 

[Privateer]

I don't know. I mean...I really don't know. I'm just really confused today and I feel terrible about everything. Any time anyone has to do anything for me that I could perfectly well do myself. I mean, my wife cooked dinner and made me a pot of tea and I felt like the worst person ever.

She shouldn't have to do things for me. Nobody should. I should do everything myself. I have to keep going. I have to keep walking. No matter how tired, how hurt. Got to be an example for everyone else. Even when my boots are full of blood and my shoulders are raw, can't sit down. Got

...

Okay, that was weird. I kind of zoned-out while typing that last bit. A phone call from a lifeboat station snappen me out of it, but I think I might leave it in, just so you can see how much of a mess I am and what the poor girl has to put up with.

 

[amethist]

Privateer {{{{HUGS}}}}

The man I fell in love with and married is now gone because of the PTSD. The man he is now is who I love today and will tomorrow.

He feels like you do sometimes, asks me why I am still here, why I put up with his ups and downs. I do it because I still love him, still love the daft ways he has, still love him because he is him.

Yes I get annoyed and upset, yes I sometimes wish we could go back and change the day it all happened, but I am still here because I want to be.

Maybe your wife feels the same way too. she is with you because she wants to be and loves you for who you are now.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

She would be better off without me, I'm sure. She just doesn't see it.

Oh, Privateer, hug-hug-nudge. I don't know if this could be part of why you say that "she just doesn't see how she would be better off without [you]," but I'm going to share with you what my ex-husband pointed out to me once. (I call him my once-husband instead of an ex because ex sounds so dismissive; and I adore him, always will.) One thing he kept repeating to me was "why don't you trust me?" I thought, Huh? In my mind back then "trust issues" meant things like jealousy or insecurity about someone wanting to be with someone else. Of course, I trusted him, I thought. But the point he was trying to make was that I didn't trust that he loved me.

Have you ever made or tried to give something really wonderful and special to someone who felt that they just couldn't accept it and they might say, "Oh, no, I couldn't; it's too much; it's just too nice" or "too expensive" or whatever? During such occasions it would make my heart ache with trying to convince someone, "No, no: I wanted you to have it; I chose it only and just for you! Please, accept it." What's that expression (cliché but true): it's harder to receive than to give. (Some PTSDer must have coined that phrase.)

Also, my not trusting my once-husband's decision to love me was pretty unfair of me -- as if he wasn't an independent-enough of a being to know what he wanted.

Is your wife a strong woman? Is she intelligent? Is she a rare find for you? If so, she probably knows what she wants...right?

she is with you because she wants to be and loves you for who you are now.

Maybe you're not at a point where you can trust that you are good for her, but, let her decide if she trusts that she wants/loves you. (I hope that doesn't sound bossy -- I'm just offering it up as something to consider.)

Besides you have great skills at music trivia from the 70s! Lots of gals can dig that! (wink-nudge)

 

[Privateer]

You're right. You all are. I just have this terrible feeling that I don't deserve anything from anyone. Not gifts, not cups of tea, not respect and not love. See, I don't feel I've given enough to warrant getting anything back.

If I had given enough there'd be a few more complete families and a few less widows and orphans, for starters.

She's amazing. She's had a terribly hard life herself, yet manages to be there for me. She's an old-school Ulster girl, though, and they build them tough over there, I think.

Shame her taste in music is so ghastly, unlike my own excellent music-fu, which is remarkably strong for one born in 1981.

 

[KP the nut]

Amethist answered before I could suggest it (ain't she a star).

Ask the question for supporters. They will tell it from their point of view.

As I said earlier, when my H was struggling and the tables were turned. I supported him through. I didn't love him less and we came out stronger.

 

[saffy]

Hi Pirateer
I understand how you are feeling and it's hard to find the words to say without coming across wrong.
A relationship is give and take but there are no successes or failures if you do not see yourself as only a part of it and not all of it.
You are disrespecting your wives choice, YOU. If she says you make her happy then you do, if she says you are great then you are to her ect ect. However, you both need to talk about how you can share things more so you don't feel so guilty in taking.

Accept that she might be thinking the same as you, that she cannot make you happy, you always seem so depressed and down. That she might not understand why you behave that way when all she want is to love you for who you are, but there you are convincing yourself that you must be the perfect partner. There is no such thing Im afraid.

As for the vows, you got on very well before you said them, so why now do you feel pressured when in fact you protected and loved her before saying these few words, which shows you are capable otherwise she would not have chose you for a life partner.

I think talking to someone together, like relate or something, would help in this way. You must learn to accept what she says and not disrept her by saying you dont beleive her because you have this perfect vision of who you should be in your head.

Hope that makes sense and sorry if it came across wrong, I have a reputation for saying things and putting my foot well and truely in it.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[quaintpapercut]

My wife and I have been married just over a year. We were together for several years before that, but hadn't the money for a wedding, until we came up with the idea of doing it the medieval way, rather than the Victorian way that most folk do.

Privateer- I'm so sorry your feeling this way, but I know how debilitating it can be when you do. I go through similar thought patterns about my current relationship and it just makes me feel so down and horrible. I think about what a wonderful man he is and how much he loves me and it makes me wish that I could be a better partner for him. I put him through hell and back on a regular basis and it makes me feel like a horrible human being - that I would really be better off on my own and not inflicting my madness on him anymore.

It sounds like your wife loves you wholly and completely as you are. As hard as it is try to accept it. Our hearts love who we love and while you may feel unworthy, try to honour the fact that she has devoted her heart to you. I don't think she would say that she can't be happy without you if she didn't really mean it.

Is there anyway you can channel her commitment to your relationship into your healing? I know for me, my relationship is a huge contributing factor in me continuing therapy and trying to get better.