General Up And Awake

[Glara]

It's 1:45 am and I'm wide awake. Not really sure why I'm posting. Just haven't talked to anyone on anything more than a superficial level. Most of the time I doing better. Emotionally I feel more like my old self, unless I allow myself to think about people I love that let me down. So, I mostly try not to. I'm trying to find music that doesn't remind of things, hard to do.

My daughter really hurt me when she told a coworker that I'm not doing well. And that coworker judged me. I can chalk it up to another lost friend, but I feel betrayed by my daughter. What it comes down to is that she only likes to be with me in a fun and social setting, that I'm paying for.

My father told my brother, who told my mother that he is dropping off the stuff I had stored at his house. (He lives in another state, same place as my ex sufferer). It's like he's "breaking up" with me too. He'll literally leave it on my doorstep.

Either I'm repulsive to everyone in my life, or everyone I've ever met is just a fair weather friend...family and lovers included. So I'm just trying to act happy and not talk to anyone about anything that ever bothers me. And it's kind of working, except when I'm awake at 2am.

Anyway, as I've mentioned before, I'm planning to stay home more. I'm going to start cleaning stuff out and posting anything in decent shape for sale online. Pay off some expenses and make space. If my daughter doesn't come over to help with all the crap she put in the garage, I'll sell her stuff too.

I'm ready to start over, so getting rid of stuff is a beginning. I also found an art class I can take, that's close and offered at a convenient time. I used to be artistic but haven't pursued it since college. (Although I did draw a picture of my ex's cat that passed and he said he had it framed) I figure I may meet some new people, but if not the class itself will be theraputic.

I'm not interested in trying to date at this point. I feel like I want to wait until my medical issues are resolved. If I date, that will be superficial too. I won't allow myself to take an interest emotionally. I won't talk about anything deep. And if he tells me his problems I will cut him lose. I won't do this again with anyone. I will never tell anyone they can talk to me. I will never allow myself to get close to anyone. I won't ever look to confide in anyone. I really don't even want to socialize much.

I guess that's it. My early morning rant is over.

 

[Tanishq]

Not really sure why I'm posting.

I can try to answer why you are posting here.

Because you trust us, feel safe here and you know you can talk with us. :)

 

[KuanYin]

I agree. I think you're posting because you recognize you need something and you know this is a safe place to find it. Whatever "it" may be. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time but I'm glad you reached out. The art class sounds like it could be fun and it may be a great place to find people someone you can connect with on a genuine level, or at least who shares your appreciation for art.

 

[Sweetpea76]

:hug:

 

[hodge]

Glara, I hear you. It sounds like a rough time for your right now. I'm so sorry you were betrayed by your daugther. None of us needs to have our PTSD blared all over. Maybe she thought she was doing a good thing for you?

 

[Glara]

@hodge I'm not the one with PTSD, that's my ex. I've just been really depressed with all that's happened. He's very suicidal, was hospitalized and signed himself out. There's a lot that's occured over the past year that's made everything so much harder.

Last year when my daughter still lived at home we did everything together, nails, tanning hair, shopping lunch, walks etc. When she moved out it all stopped. I'm taking her on vacation in sept and she's not even helping me plan, which she's always done. Besides "losing" her 2 of my friends have just stopped talking to me, and my father has as well.

All this while dealing with PTSD. He's someone I dated in my past. When we reconnected it was wonderful and he came on really strong, then he started to change. I didn't understand and that's when he told me about the PTSD. I had no clue. Finally in March he broke it off, but he still checks in. Even once said he wants to see me, and then went silent. It's a lot to handle with no one to talk to or take my mind off it.

I'm not totally sure she meant well. She can be very hard on people. She's young and tends to see things more black and white, although she'd tell you other wise. She's doing well financially, because I helped her get a very good job where I work. She grew up in a very stable environment with 2 parents. My ex husband had a lot of issues but she never dealt with them, I made sure they didn't effect her. No, I think she's on her own with her friends and doesn't need me in her free time anymore. She doesn't seem to have the capacity to understand that I'm lonely and experienced a lot of losses at once. When I try to explain it she gets defensive, which is why she spoke the coworker.

I can't make her understand. I'm done trying. I'm done trying with everyone. That's what in saying. If I don't think of anything that's hurt me, I'm ok. I'm trying not to let thoughts creep in but sometimes I wake up at 2am and can't stop it. So like @Tanishq and @KuanYin said I'm posting on here because it's safe. This is the only place I have that I can talk to anyone. Thank you.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Glara. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Hugs you if want them.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I have had friends and family drop off like flies when I am depressed and suffering. My sister and I have been close for most of our lives, but she is a selfish person and does not have an empathetic bone in her body (by her own admission), and the second she realises that I have hit a rough patch, she cuts me off. I'm going through that right now, but I know that, at some point, she'll get over herself and make contact with me again. I try not to take it personally, and I try not to expect too much of her, so I am never disappointed. She is who she is, and I can understand why. She's still fairly young, and she's led a charmed life so far. She has never had to endure hardship or mental illness or ongoing emotional pain. So it stands to reason that she cannot understand what it's like, and consequently thinks that people should just "get over it'. Lucky her, I say.

The fact is, most people can't deal with other people's pain. They don't know what to do to help, and so it's easier to just ignore it (and you), especially when it goes on for some time. It's just how people are, and if I'm honest, I have probably done exactly that to other people myself (although I usually do TRY to help, when I have capacity to do so). I don't really feel like I can rely on anyone else, so I have had to try and learn to rely on myself. I'm not very good at it - I usually end up doing a lot of Woe Is Me'ing!

The art class sounds like a great idea. Art can be very therapeutic - good on you for taking such a positive step. I know it's hard to get out of the house when you're depressed.

I can't remember if I've brought this up before, but do you feel like you have grieved the loss of your relationship with Ed? This may be an important step towards feeling better.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Glara. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Hugs you if want them.

I...

Oh, and what was the outcome of your attempts to arrange counselling? Were you able to tee anything up?

 

[Glara]

@Wastinglight i haven't set up any counseling, I've been using vacation days to make all my Dr appts, I'm trying to save sick time if I need surgery. It seems like that's all I do. I try to walk the dogs at least 4 nights a week, since I sit behind a desk all day. Sometimes 12 hours straight. I get so exhausted after. I can't wait for a diagnosis and treatment. I feel like sh*t.

I don't know that I've mourned the loss of Ed, I've certainly cried enough, but I haven't totally accepted it. When he ended it I told him I hoped he'd check in, I didn't expect him to, but he did. And he has been. And then said he wanted to see me. And then he went silent. I guess I'm allowing myself to be strung along. So I don't know how to answer you. I believe he'll be back, like when we're young. He popped in and out.

As for my daughter I don't even know how to talk to her. All we talk about is work. I don't know when it's ok to talk about anything real, or if she's gonna go complain about me to a coworker.

I'm just trying to figure out to talk to people without saying anything.

 

[KuanYin]

Omg can I send you hugs too? It's a terrible state to be in when you feel like the minute you need support it disappears. That's so frustrating and so very painful. Please don't lose hope, there are people who are capable of unconditional love and support

 

[Glara]

Thanks everyone. I hate coming on here and whining, but apparently it's chased everyone else away. I really appreciate all the support and insight I get here. Most of the time I'm not judged here and when I do feel judged, it's usually in a very caring manner.

 

[KuanYin]

It's not whining. You're reaching out for support. There's nothing wrong with asking for what you need.