Upcoming Procedure Causing Internal Chaos

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am having a medical procedure done on Thursday. I've avoided it for a while and passed my symptoms off as "just" part of PTSD and DID, but finally decided to have the procedure done to see if there are any signs of a physical problem. I was relieved when I made the decision with my doctor. I was relieved when I finally scheduled it and was able to schedule within 4 days of the call to set up a time (less waiting is better).

Today I went to pick up the paperwork and once I read it, I began to shut down. Only, I didn't realize it because I was home alone and allowing myself a day of rest in bed. Only when my family arrived home and everything they did or said irritated me (even more than other times when they trigger parts). I removed myself from dinner, attempted the family Christmas time (and was fairly successful), and went through the motion of putting my youngest to bed.

I then retreated back to my solitude. I became angry and started to cry. And that's when I really realized that parts inside are triggered and I am extremely anxious (jumping to all of the worst case scenarios). Mentally I have the next two days mapped out- how to keep myself occupied the day before, the logistics of the procedure, and what I will do once I get home for comfort and relaxation.

I have tried internal messages to parts, attempted to talk with my husband (but he inadvertently triggered a part so that made things worse), and tried to have parts step back to comfort places so they can relax. But I am so filled with rage. I almost through my computer across the room when I got it to write this (which, even for my part who tends to get angry the most, is not typical). I have had a great last few days and I hate that I now feel so miserable. I know that everyone has their good days and bad days, I just wish I had more of the good days. Words of comfort or suggestions for ways to occupy my mind are most welcome right now.

 

[scout86]

I'm not sure what to say. But, I'm pretty impressed. You've done a better job of handling this sort of thing so far than I would have done. (Avoiding doctors is one of my best things! :D)

Do you know what the anger is about?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Do you know what the anger is about?

It may just be protective anger. It could also be anger about the past which could be the underlying cause of the physical symptoms. So I guess I don't know. I was able to go for a run on Monday (first one in a long time) and that usually helps. Unfortunately, it was cold and rainy today and I couldn't get motivated to go out for a run- part could be reacting to that disappointment as well I suppose.

I used to avoid doctors, too, and still do to some extent. I found a really awesome primary care doctor a bit over a year ago so that has been really helpful. I still won't make an eye exam appointment, but that is a whole different can of worms, so to speak.

Thanks for responding. It helps to know at least someone is reading what I wrote and taking the time to reach out and that helps lessen the feeling alone part of all this.

 

[scout86]

I'm supposed to get checked every year for glaucoma. Hate it & hadn't gone in years. Last year, I mentioned this to my T. He "just happened" to know a good eye doc. His. We ended up (accidentally?) having out appointments back to back. Weird! But, it helped me make it through the appointment. And, the doc left town the next week! :( I'm procrastinating on dealing with it again. (T hasn't mentioned it. Must be off his radar screen & that's ok.)

I hope things go well for you! It seems like it might help if you can sort out where the anger is coming from and what it's actually about. (But I'm guessing you know that! :D)

 

[Recovery4Me]

But I am so filled with rage.

Pretty scary, most surgery when you read the fine print.:facepalm::hug: I show my fear by acting like a water buffalo too. (((hugs))) There is little that anyone can say when we are busy bellowing until the tears roll...

Here...I am handing you a virtual gallon of your favorite icecream and a chic flick that is so sappy everyone in the house will groan and hide. Oh...dragging in some kind of comfort object- on a PG Rating Board what would that look like to you?:bag::hug:

 

[Friday]

The hardest time for me is when I have a mix of good and bad days.

I have to try very hard to remember the times when I had no good days at all (clearly, days I would otherwise cheerfully forget ;)). I remind myself: Bad day? Outta the blue, or outta stress? Means I'm having good days, too. Not right now, for true, but before... Which also means after.

Some days we just get through.

 

[barefoot]

I think it sounds like you're managing this really well – getting yourself prepared, planning out your time until the procedure, prioritising looking after yourself.

I'm a doctor avoider too, though I've had to have a few appointments lately, which has been stressful and triggering. I have another procedure tomorrow. I know I'm avoiding thinking about it. I know I should probably be doing something to prepare myself. I know I'll distract myself and distract myself, then suddenly I'll be naked under a gown having things going on while I get triggered out of my mind. And that will take me by surprise and I will wonder why it all went wrong... ;-)

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and that the procedure foes well on Thursday.

What can you do for you today?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Here...I am handing you a virtual gallon of your favorite icecream and a chic flick that is so sappy everyone in the house will groan and hide.

Thanks. I love ice cream! Maybe I will buy some as at treat for later.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

The hardest time for me is when I have a mix of good and bad days.

I have to try very hard to remember the times when I had no good days at all

Good point. I think I shall try remembering that.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I know I should probably be doing something to prepare myself. I know I'll distract myself and distract myself, then suddenly I'll be naked under a gown having things going on while I get triggered out of my mind. And that will take me by surprise and I will wonder why it all went wrong...

Hope your procedure goes well. I am so famous for not thinking things through in other situations. Like, "Hey, let's go check out that huge tree lighting ceremony- it sounds cool." And then forgetting that there will be hundreds of other people there and I don't like crowds. If I prepare myself for the crowds, it goes a lot more smoothly. Instead I usually ended up muttering under my breath "I don't like people" while trying navigate through the crowds and wondering what went wrong. Yep, I understand that mentality. I knew this was going to be triggering so I have tried preparing myself for it, but the scariness hit my last evening and I was completely overwhelmed. I am trying to keep myself distracted today and go moment by moment.

 

[barefoot]

Yep – that sounds very familiar!

Sounds like you've got this covered....good on you :-)

 

[barefoot]

Actually, as a result of this thread I'm going to really commit to having a chilled out, easy day tomorrow so that I go to my appointment feeling as calm as possible in the evening. I've got to do a couple of hours work in the morning. Then I've decided to lay under a throw on the sofa with the cats and watch some back-to-back episodes of Scandal to keep myself occupied with light stuff. So hopefully that will keep some anxiety at bay until I go to my appointment. So, an extra special thank you for starting this thread and reminding me of the importance of preparation – much more useful than denial when going into potential triggering situations! :-)