Sexual Assault Update On Muru - Living Despite Of The Sexual Abuse?

[Muruluisku]

Hello again,

I am sorry that I haven't been around for all this time. So much has happened I don't know where to start...

I made another almost successful suicide attempt when I stopped writing in here. As a result they moved me to another more secure in-patient mental health unit. I didn't have much contact with the outside world when I was there, and I only got away from there last week. It wasn't nice but I guess they did a good job helping me stay alive.

My darling friend was the only person who kept in touch and has helped me finding reasons to live, and helping me feel that I deserve to live. I was discharged last week and I moved in with him. He bough a lovely house on the outskirts of our little town with the money that he got from selling the student apartment his dad had bought for him and which he had rented out for years. Although were a boyfriend and girlfriend he knows I need a lot of time to get used to the idea, so for now I am renting a room in his house so were kinda like flatmates as well so that I can have my own space and time to figure things out. My two cats have moved in too, and they love the extra space! We're not letting them out yet although there's a cat flap ready for them when they've settled enough. The garden is not massive but it's very well kept by the previous owners..lots of roses and a lovely magnolia tree with a wooden seat underneath. The branches are reaching over and around the seat so that it's almost hidden, like a little den :) It's my favourite spot in the garden!

I go to see my old therapist twice a week and it's only a10 minute walk from the house. I haven't gone back to work yet, but hopefully I can start a gradual return in November.

I know I have a lot to work on still, and I know now that I can never forget all the bad things that happened.. But I have somehow managed to find hope for the future and that maybe I'm not completely useless waste of space after all.

I hope you guys can still carry on supporting me?

<3: Muru

 

[sweetcandy]

I am so thankful that you are here Muru. I am sorry that you had to go through much abuse that the result has been in you nearly ending your own life. I have nearly ended my own life over a very violent and abusive relationship and I am thankful I did not succeed. I just want to say that I understand your pain but we are not victims of trauma, we are survivors of trauma.

It's great that you have your friend to support you when things are tough. I know we can feel worthless and like life is not worth living at times but remember you are not alone. We are all in this together. Life is worth living for so many reasons and one of them is that you are one of a kind and there is no one else like you in the world so that makes you uniquely awesome.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

Hi Muru , when u read your post I read it with determination coz that's what u was getting from what you wrote. I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure ESP to try and take your life . It must have been horrific for you , I can see your working each day and I'm rooting for you all the way. Please don't try and take your life again think of the lived ones you'll leave behind x plz don't let your abusers win . My prayers are with you Muru always x

 

[digger]

Hey Muru :) glad to see you. Sorry it's been so shit in the inbetween but it is good to hear things are levelling out a bit again and you have more support. xxx

 

[RussH]

Hi Muru, welcome back. I am glad your attempt was not successful, and you are still with us.

Yes we are here and most certainly willing to provide a support network for you.

 

[bluebird]

Dear Muru, I am so glad to hear you are back in touch with us! It must have been really difficult for you and I am deeply sorry you were in such a terrible pain... I really hope the inpatient treatment brought you some sort of relief and that the therapy is helping you. I am also glad to hear you are not living alone anymore, that you have somebody to support you and care for you... Your friends house sounds like a lovely place to live - guess the cats will get used to a new home quite soon ;-)

Take care and keep writing, whenever you want to. ♡

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Muruluisku and welcome to your new home. Sounds great to have a fresh start. Your garden sounds delightful. I wish you great happiness there. What are we to call your friend?

 

[Muruluisku]

@sweetcandy I really appreciate your support and sharing how you understand the feeling of just not wanting to carry on with life.

And thank you for your prayers @Namenotdiagnosis *reaching out for your hand*

Nice to "see" you again @digger and how comforting to know you can still hear me even though I haven't been around. And that you are happy to be my friend @RussH

@bluebird, it seems like you are really happy for me and for my new home etc, thank you <3 And yes, he's a great guy..I can't believe that despite of all the trouble that I am he still wants to be my boyfriend, even if we have to take things real slow! @Lucycat, his nick name is Ash, given to him by his friends because his dark hair started to turn grey before he even finished his sixth form college. He likes it though and I love the way he has silvery stripes in his almost black hair..really unusual :) He says that you guys all sound lovely and that he's happy I have people to talk to.

<3: Muru

 

[Muruluisku]

I'm going to my mum and dad's for Christmas against my therapist advice...She doesn't think I'm strong enough yet, but I just want to be like everyone else around me and spent the Christmas with family. Ash my housemate / boyfriend (when I let him be..he's so patient with me) comes with me. This is the first time he's met my parents but he says he supports me whatever I want to do with my family, whether it's cutting contact or staying in touch. He's so laid back and I'm really happy he comes with me :)

We made a list of rules with my therapist to help me stay in my body and not revert back to being a robot...and try and keep myself safely within my comfortable boundaries. But I just feel they all come across as terribly selfish, especially since it's Christmas and everyone are supposed to be nice to each other...what do you guys think of my rules?:


* No need to stay up late with mum and dad to see dad getting tipsy. Ash and I can go to my bedroom and watch a film on our laptop instead.
* I am allowed to lock the bathroom door when going to sauna. Have Ash with me to hold my towel and keep dad out of the way if I want to go and roll in the snow after sauna (this is a particularly Finish thing and I love it.. Makes my skin feel all tingly :) )
* Make up a signal to share with my sister or Ash that I can use discreetly if I feel flashbacky, unsafe or uncomfortable and need them help me get away from the situation by going for a walk with me/ go help in the kitchen/ go to sauna/ go to our room
* No need to play accordion for longer than I want to...I sometimes "hide behind my music and the big heavy accordion to feel safe. I'm allowed to only play for as long as I like and stop when I want to stop. Then I can have Ash be near me after I finish playing to help me feel safe after in case my dad ask me to play more so that I feel safe to tell him I'm tired / had enough playing for now. This is tricky cause I love playing Christmas carols but after I tire out I'm usually too scared to stop until I exhaust myself doing it and then it's not fun anymore.. I want to try and keep it enjoyable.
* No need to hug dad more than maybe once when he picks us up from the train and when leaving, I'm allowed to keep my physical distance to him.
* I don't need to spend any time alone with dad, I can always ask Ash / my sister to join us if there's a situation that I'd go off with dad to do something.
* I can make the visit all about nice Finish christmas time with Ash, my sisters, nephews, mum and other friends / relatives - dad is just one part in me visiting Finland and I don't need to pay any more attention to him than I want to.

Am I being really selfish for coming up with all this?

<3: Muru

 

[Friday]

None of this sounds selfish, Muru.

It all sounds extremely giving and unselfish in being there for your loved ones, whilst not making a target of yourself.

It is not selfish to protect yourself. Just like it's not selfish to avoid walking out in front of oncoming traffic, and not selfish to pay rent, and not selfish to do any of the things that people do on a daily basis to keep themselves unflattened with a roof over their heads to sleep under. Just because you need to cross the street, it's not selfish to wait for the crossing signal. Just because you can be homeless, it's not selfish to rent a place to live. Normal stuff. Business of living stuff. Smart stuff. Good stuff.

& Good on you.

 

[digger]

No. Not selfish. I think it's really good that you're acknowledging your needs and thinking about self care. Really good. I know it's been extremely tough on you, but you've come so far this year Muru, I'm glad that you're looking at ways to keep yourself and your progress safe.

 

[bluebird]

Muru, it definitelyy does not sound selfish to me either, not at all. I think the most important thing for you is to focus on your feeling of safety and to be with those, who give that feeling to you. The things you listed above sound very good, in my opinion :) I hope these will help you to go through all the time you are going to stay in Finland. I really, really do believe you shall handle this and I am very proud of you for being able to put it into words! My thoughts are and will be with you, dear Muru ♥ (*hug*)