Relationship Update (potentional Cptsd W/husband - 20 Yrs Together)

[20yrswife]

Here is where he is, as of yesterday afternoon:

- He does not feel comfortable in his own skin
- He feels like a stranger or guest in home and with me, children yet it is not due to anything we have done or not done
- He loves me but is not 'in love' with me
- He says I am his best friend
- He says he *is attracted to me but can not have sex
- He does think I'm sexy
- He does want to hold my hand, hug me, cuddle me (even with my being naked in bed), kiss on lips, cheek, or forehead)
- He does want to spend time with me, have conversation.

- He does get defensive if this topic comes up, his demeanor turns matter of fact. He says, 'At least it's out in the open now', he does not cry now when he talks about it, almost hardened which scares me. Says he feels uncomfortable with children, too. Recognizes that most (not all) of what counselor says is right on, that there is something going on with him.

Aside from the physical intimacy issue, he went an entire day had I not cried and the conversation came up again, you would not even think anything was wrong.

How do you formulate this in your mind?

I had a sitter lined up but he has not started leave yet, so he had to go into work today. I don't know if he gets off early. I also can say he got his motorcycle back yesterday and rode it to work. He may come home right away, but I would not be surprised if he went on a long ride (which isn't a bad thing, I think he should if he feels safe operating it). He had a few things to do at work and may have the next 3? days off. I'm trying to make other arrangements for child care one way or the other, so we can go on our first date, which was a commitment made at counseing 10 dates approx. in one month.

He admits his mind is all over the place, and he is confused.

I'm trying to function but do you ladies (married longer timeframes with children) find your mind all over the place where they have pulled the rug out from under you. You're patient and strong and holding on and trying to help them, at the same time you have to (for your protection) think of 'what do I do if he abandons the family?'

He is no longer praying. I asked last night, if he wanted to pray with me, and he laughed it off. His prayers at the dinner table are just doing it to do it 'God bless the food, Amen'.

I feel like he's losing everything: his wife, his children, his faith. Everything that he knew once to be true and good for him, he feels is 'uncomfortable'.

 

[amethist]

Hi 20yrswife.

There may be one or 2 things you will have to let go of for now, sex being one of them. It will come back, but the less you push, the easier it will be for him to see there is no pressure. Good that he want to hold your hand and at least have some connection with you, so not all bad.

The T telling you to have 10 dates in the next month, may be pushing him a bit, one a week for the forseable future sounds better, then a set goal for the next month.

My husband has been ill for almost 5 years, life is better than it was 6 months ago, but intimacy is still irregular. I can't remember the last time, but we are still close, still cuddle still hold hands and he still tells me he loves me.

Not expecting too much from him, can make it easier for you, then when he comes up with a date or something, take it as an extra to what is really going on.

Try talking about anything but his issues for a while, let him get his head round what is going on, and let him come to you to talk about it, you may then find he is more willing to talk this way.

My husband and I were like brother and sister for a long time after his accident, me doing for him what he could not do for himself. Now he is doing more for himself and for me. Still needs pushing, still needs reminding at times, but we are getting back to being as husband and wife should be.

It takes time, baby steps, and remember he will be different now. i have had to learn to love the man my husband is now, not the one I married. Tough going but possible, as long as you work together.

Take care of yourself too, you can get there, it just takes time and hard work.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I agree a lot with what Amethist has said, she has given a lot of very good advice.

Being a sufferer myself I know how hard sex can be, but I still try to show love and caring. I know how much my supporter needs it. Just doing things that are every day things are hard sometimes. Being social is usually not possible unless I have a good amount of prep time and then time to rejuvenate.

I hope it gets better for you and please remember to find time to take care of yourself as well. It takes a lot of work from both parties.

Take care.

 

[20yrswife]

Thank you both for your input. We got the sitter and took him to purchase rain gear for his motorcycle (he's a daily rider) and went to a fast food place. No pressure.

Then, received call that in laws could watch the kids this weekend. So, we dropped them off. He wanted a steak, so we went to a restaurant locally. Watched a movie in the bedroom. We did end up having the talk about my needs (keep in mind, he has been gone 7 months.. I can not help that I am turned on just by the smell of him). So, as of now, I will be taking care of that need alone and I guess in the shower, whatever the case.

As far as the remainder of the weekend, I found out some additional details that expand on where his mind is or what has brought him to this point.

Not only did he have the aviation combat issues (and I found out he was just a few flight hours shy of Air Medal citation, his CO had put in for him.. then they realized his flight hours were short).. In addition, for these years, he's been surrounded by morally bankrupt people. I'm talking on deployment, people stealing from one another (behavior like high school bullies due to rank), sexual assault issues where husband ended up intervening, mentoring, or assisting junior females write their complain reports, husband also stopped a sexual assault, when an intoxicated individual went after another. Husband held the one individual back. He also was contending with a direct chain who has some sort of issue (behavior sounds like bipolar?). There was also a good ole' boy club mentality within command, and his CO was actually relieved of command, which no one knew about until return, because the pomp and circumstance of change of command, etc. all went on business as usual while everyone was gone! But the XO was actually in charge for that period! This was due to the assaults, alcohol related incidents, etc.

And then there's the in flight issues that he had previously shared (what little he can with the jist that it is bad stuff on a regular basis).

There's so much more, but it's painting a picture of his feeling like the world is a very bad place and it's hard to fit back into this loving atmosphere, knowing everything is not okay. He also now wants to take me (and he go, as well) for gun safety course and certification, we are in a high % state of gun owners, and it is bothering him (protecting family) which sounds exactly like what I would be thinking/feeling if I was in his shoes.

Recreationally, we had a great time and good talks. We listened to a lot of reggae, went to a movie at the theatre, rode his motorcycle a few miles, went to dinner, grabbed a milkshake while out, went to the beach this morning and a museum. He was laughing and feeling pretty good. It was a good day in that regard.

I do feel like I'm his 'sister' right now. But I'd rather have that than not have him at all. He knows I'm unwavering in supporting him, and I understand when he says that he is in a cloud right now. I actually had a battle with depression in my 20's and do remember not wanting to be intimate, feeling like I was in a fog, having difficulty describing how I 'felt'.. I've had a little more time to process, so it's getting a *little* easier now but is still taking the breath from me at certain times. He did make a few flirty references today, which is more than I've heard all week. I had to get a shower when we got home, he didn't come upstairs. When I went to sit down next to him later, while he was watching tv, he put a cushion in between to prop his arm up. (said it hurt)

I'm taking that as non verbal that he wants space, though, he is talking to me.. decided to come upstairs and give him some space. We're leaving soon to pick up the kids (it's a 90 minute round trip drive).

He's working tomorrow, so I'll be able to have a little downtime (even though kids will be home). Think I'll take them to the pool in the morning, so I can take a breather and call a friend.

Thank you so very much for the support and helping me to make sense of all of this. With the additional stories that he's shared (and there's more than I will put specifics wise on the internet), I can most certainly see where a few years of being immersed in that life coupled with not being here with me/kids day to day would pull him into this. It's like a part of his soul is gone..

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so sorry 20yrswife. :(
I have become the same, I can only say Idk why, and that it doesn't seem like 'depression', exactly.
But I think it is very good he still wants to talk to you, etc.
(((((Hugs))))

 

[20yrswife]

Junebug, do you mind elaborating on what you wrote? (HUGS)

 

[Tinyflame]

20yrswife I will come back and try.
((((Hugs to you also)))).

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear 20yrswife, I can only say I relate entirely to what your H says he feels.

I just know this: it's (likely) absolutely nothing to do with any 'failure' on your part, or him wanting someone else, or having something going on the side.

Ptsd is very draining. I know I live with (some) understanding of the potential negative consequences it can have on others. I don't want to cause that for others.

It is very sad and overwhelmingly panicking, to not be able to 'be' who you were. You might not be able to be who you were a day or month ago. :( Yes, at the core the same, but everything changes. Most of us feel like :alien:'s already.

I don't understand, but I can say this: after 20 years, I think he loves you and your children to pieces. And the fact he has disclosed so much indicates he trusts you. They may be memories or feelings he hasn't even had for years, and likely part of the reason for feeling as he does now.

I would recommend doing whatever is the most fun and relaxing- no pressure, happy 'good' things. Why I say it is, it is only when (if) I relax, or something like that occurs, that I can be myself (the 'old' person from before). Unfortunately, it's a more daunting suggestion than you can imagine. :(

That, and if you can be consistent. Don't let him isolate entirely endlessly, if that's possible (so far it sounds like it is).

Idk if it's depression, fear, stress, self-loathing, numbness, dissociation, or just one's own knowledge of ptsd (and hence feelings of responsibilty) to sever all ties. Or a combination of all or some of them, or some other reason entirely. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

I engineered most of my life around avoiding triggers/ painful emotions. Not even consciously, but in retrospect I did. People, places, etc. - everything.

When you can't, the bottom falls out.
Not sure if that helps.

 

[20yrswife]

Thank you so much for elaborating on your thoughts, I appreciate it.
He said last night, that he feels old, fat (he gained some weight in his stomach, due to long hour flights and little time to PT/military version of working out), and has aches and pains. He asked when he got so old.

He said he does feel like it's a type of depression and that is when he brought up mine, from over a decade ago. The existing and perhaps everything seems okay to everyone else around him - but me, the person that he trusts and knows the most. With that said, my 3 elderly neighbors (females, widowed or divorced) all asked if everything was alright with him. They noticed that he was not smiling and seemed down. So... I guess that those most intuitive would also notice some behavioral changes.

He initiated 'I love you', this morning before he left for work. And yesterday, there were little things he said that showed some hint of his relaxing.

In all of this, I think it is important to say that I have to also make sure my needs are met. I can't give him a 100% free pass or walk on egg shells with him 24/7. I have a medical issue and am on treatment, I will have good and bad days with my health, and I can't create perfection every. single. day. and play disagreement avoidance (we have a household, 2 children). One fear that exists is that there will come a day, that he WILL say or do something that upsets me or vice versa and we have a disagreement. Will that be the day that he NOW has a 'reason' to leave me. ?? Does that make sense? That feeling is engulfing, and I'm trying to shake it off. However, it is there..

 

[amethist]

I totaly understand you saying, "Will that be the day that he NOW has a reason to leave me", I felt that too many time when my husband was in a bad way. He never did and we had some enormous arguments.

Try to think of how you or he would have reacted pre PTSD, and use that as a remider that you can have argument if you have to.

All relationships have times where one person says something that upsets the other, a PTSD relationship is no different.

You seem to be leaning well, and yes it does take time and yes you will get it wrong sometimes, we all do. But learnign together is how you get through it, like any relationship, you are always learning about the other person in it.

Keep going, your doing fine.

 

[20yrswife]

Thanks. Just received call from the counselor's office. They have a cancellation for tomorrow morning. Husband has to work 1/2 a day and won't be off in time. I asked if he minded if I went alone, and he said that was fine, no worries. He knows we have an appt together for the next Monday. I think it will be good to go alone now that the counselor has spoke with husband. Sounded like he was having a good day. He's actually checking (officially) out of the squadron! So, today was his debrief with the CO. He officially goes on leave after the 4th of July holiday, and then checks into the new squadron in August. So.... he should be a big boost for him that he won't be in that toxic squadron after tomorrow (he may have to go back for one part of a day after the holiday). His paper is all filled out but CO's signature. I realize that this fact, his vacation time, transferring to a new squadron won't all 'heal' things because reality is that he is still deployable, will go out on dets, and pressures of work/home life balance will still be there. However, I hope that at some point this week with the check out process going on he can be reflective that there are things to be thankful and give praise for, including the fact that I am here.