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Death Updated - Cannot come to terms with grandmothers terminal cancer diagnosis. Cut ties or be institutionalized?

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SMW83

Learning
Hey all,

I am posting owing to the fact my previously fit and healthy Grandmother has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and has been given only weeks to live. I am extremely close with my Grandmother, having been practically raised by her owing to my own mother being very ill all my childhood. I have also had my own ‘issues’ during my adulthood, being gay, making wrong life choices and even suffering with several mental health illnesses including PTSD, all of which have contributed to me being judged and ostracised by family and friends. However my Grandmother has loved me without condition, never once judging me and helping me through extremely hard times. I have therefore have struggled tremendously to come to terms with her diagnosis and even considered taking my own life so I don’t have to endure this process or live without her once the time comes (please note, I have sought medical attention with regards to my consideration and whilst I cannot imagine a future without her, I am presently not considering suicide).

This ‘experience’ has been made far worse by having to deal with family who have paid no concern with my Grandmother as such before her diagnosis and some who have frankly treated her unacceptably, now in my opinion, feigning upset, interest and concern now she is dying. I am also struggling to deal with the fact that those family members are taking over the ‘situation’ and making it difficult for me to visit her, obviously in an attempt to make amends or make up for how they’ve treated her in the past. They have also requested her will details, started appropriating and dividing up her assets, clearing out her home and such, within days of her diagnosis. Although I understand preparations need to be made and such, I find the fact they are doing so abhorrent and ghoulish especially so soon after her diagnosis. I want my Grandmothers plans and wishes to be exacted as she would want them but owing to others involvement and the fact the cancer means she is rarely in a cognisant state to say what she herself wants, I fear they will not be as I am constantly being told conflicting information as to what she wants i.e funerary plans, division of assets etc. and whilst I have no interest in her assets and such which I have informed my ‘family’, I fear this will be distributed unfairly owing to others involvement. Also, owing to her cancer, my Grandmother only has short periods of cognisance so it is impossible for her to say what she wants to have happen after her passing and I am concerned that even if she was able, certain family members would purposefully question her mental capacity to do so.

My own health is deteriorating because I am struggling to deal with this whole situation and I am having extremely conflicting feelings on how to move forward. I want to be able to see my Grandmother and to help her fulfill any final wishes she has, but my family are not only making it impossible for me to see her but I feel it would be easier and better for my to exclude myself from the entire situation but this would mean not being able to see my Grandmother again. I am so conflicted as to what to what would be best for me as either decision would have an inimical effect on me, either my health deteriorating further or me not seeing my Grandmother again, which I know I will eventually regret.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m posting here if I’m honest. Perhaps just to get it off my chest or in the hope I find some clarity by doing so...
 
Hi SMW83

First you are not imposing at all. I am sorry your family is the way they are. You are not a lone. Death of a dear loved one is difficult and is made worse when those who have done nothing so far and now it is close so they start to picking the bones of the person before they even pass away. I went through hell with my family (sister) before. during and after my parents deaths. I just did my best and they knew it was an impossible situation. I have no regrets as I did everything possible to help them in the last years of their lives. Do what you can and just know what the rest of your family is doing is wrong. I hope you get to spend time with your Grandmother. Don't be so hard on yourself it is not you that is making this hard. Any time you feel the need come and post here and I will check to see how you are doing.

It is a hard time to be on your own.

Esterio
 
Hi SMW83

First you are not imposing at all. I am sorry your family is the way they are. You are not a...

Thank you for your reply Esterio.

It means a great deal that you took the time to respond.

I know I’ve done the best by my Grandmother during her life and know she would want me to do what’s right for me, but only I can ultimately decide that.

I’ve never really experienced death, only losing my grandfather aged 5, much of which I can’t remeber so this is a new experience for me but to see these ‘family members’ come back into her life when it’s too late, for their own gain, I find unable to comprehend and frankly deplorable. There is the saying ‘where there is a corpse, there will be vultures’, I guess I just expected more from people purporting to love my Grandmother, perhaps I am just naive.

I know whatever decision I make, my Grandmother would want me to do what’s best for me, like she always has.
 
Hi SMW83

Your Grandmother already knows you will do what ever you are able to do to help her. She is also very aware of the "vultures" that have come to pick her bones and cause you more distress. Try not to let it fall into a scene if it does distance yourself. Your Grandmother knows you love her as she knows you have been there for her. You can not do anything to change the attitudes of others. Take care of yours don't let them hurt you. People some how get twisted idea's around death it is a highly emotionally charged time in a family that already had trouble.

Remember who you are here for your Grandmother keep her in your thoughts and prayers (if you are a praying person)Don't be hard on yourself for something that is out of your control. Don't let others affect you as you are not responsible for them.



Peace be safe
Esterio
 
My Grandmother has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and only has a short time left to live.

Although I am 35, I have no experience of death other than my Grandfather passing when I was only 5 so do not really recall it. This experience alone is causing me great upset and anguish however I also suffer from several mental health issues myself including PTSD which is exacerbating this situation greatly.

Around 2 weeks ago I confided to my GP as to how my Grandmothers pending death was affecting me, where I was sent to a local mental health hospital with the intention of them sectioning me. However, after several hours of observation and them discussing the matter with me, it was ascertained that I only really have two options, either continue to see my Grandmother, watch her deteriorate and eventually die with my health likely to become worse and the likelihood I will be sectioned. The other was to remove myself from the whole situation, cut off ties to family and not see my Grandmother again. I opted for the former, letting my family know how I was feeling, the fact I was almost sectioned and the decision I had been advised to make. Yet this has been seemingly disregarded. Not only am I subjected to witnessing in family fighting (such as people disagreeing over how my Grandmother passing should be handled, people disputing the Will and already appropriating what they want from her home etc. Even when I’m not in the situation I’m constantly getting telephone calls and such with a lot of bitching and backstabbing. Not only is my family’s conduct making it impossible for me to want to visit my Grandmother because they are often there, whilst I want to be able to visit and take care of her when my own health allows, in spite of advising them of my own health situation I am being called selfish and that I’m purposefully using my health to not have to take care of her l, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Although my doctors have stated that by staying in the situation it is likely my health will suffer (or worse) & that I may be institutionalised, my family do not accept this and are trying to force me into situations I cannot cope with.

It really is a lose lose situation for me either allowing my health to worsen and possibly end up being institutionalised or cut ties with my family and never see my grandma again. I know it’s ultimately my decision but any advice or insight anyone could offer to help me make the best out of an impossible situation, would be greatly appreciated.
 
Is your grandmother in a facility? If she is, they may be able to help you get some time alone with your grandmother if you explain the situation.

Hopefully, your grandmother has made arrangements for any of her belongings that are important to her. I have a family like this, and I would expect this behavior to not be anything that your grandmother wouldn't have expected. It is not your job to protect her estate, especially because you do not have access to her legal documents.

In situations like this with my family, I have to ask myself which aspects of this are the biggest problem and which aspects are manageable. It is less overwhelming to look at the smaller pieces.
 
Is your grandmother aware of her surroundings and knows if you are there? Even if she isn't, hopefully you can get some time alone with her to tell her what you need to say to her. And then you can detach and take care of yourself. Sometimes we have more than two options.

Would your Gran want you to take care of yourself? There are so many ways to communicate with someone passing. Figure out what is best for YOU. You will still be here trying to get your life together again.

What do you think she would suggest you do, if she could tell you?

It's a hard place to be in. But anytime we HAVE to take care of our selves, others will try to make us look selfish. Hope you know most of us here understand that you have to choose what is best for you..

Sending you courage and strength to do what is going to be the most helpful to you in the long run... Tender hugs for such a hard choice. :hug:
 
Is your grandmother in a facility? If she is, they may be able to help you get some time alone with your grandmother if you explain the situation.

Hopefully, your grandmother has made arrangements for any of her belongings that are important to her. I have a family like this, and I would expect this behavior to not be anything that your grandmother wouldn't have expected. It is not your job to protect her estate, especially because you do not have access to her legal documents.

In situations like this with my family, I have to ask myself which aspects of this are the biggest problem and which aspects are manageable. It is less overwhelming to look at the smaller pieces.

She has recently been sent home to die but I was unable to visit her owing to certain family members conduct.

Yes she does have legal documents which I have seen and many of those who are already appropriating items are not in the will. I fear this will cause further repercussion when she passes. With my illnesses I already actively distrust people. To see people who I previously ‘trusted’ and who purport to love my Grandmother and who supposedly have her best interest at heart, act in such has left me questioning if I can actually trust anyone and is leaving me extremely confused.
 
Is your grandmother aware of her surroundings and knows if you are there? Even if she isn't, hopefully you can get some time alone with her to tell her what you need to say to her. And then you can detach and take care of yourself. Sometimes we have more than two options.

Would your Gran want you to take care of yourself? There are so many ways to communicate with someone passing. Figure out what is best for YOU. You will still be here trying to get your life together again.

What do you think she would suggest you do, if she could tell you?

It's a hard place to be in. But anytime we HAVE to take care of our selves, others will try to make us look selfish. Hope you know most of us here understand that you have to choose what is best for you..

Sending you courage and strength to do what is going to be the most helpful to you in the long run... Tender hugs for such a hard choice. :hug:

My Grandmother has periods of cognisance so I have tried to tell her certain things but this is quickly forgotten and she often makes statements that contradict her previous statements that leave me even more confused than I did before.

The hardest thing for me is that it would be my Grandmother that I go to for advice and who would always give me the right advice. If she was able to advise me of this situation, taking into account everything that is happening, she would tell me I have to do what’s best for me, to not listen to what family have say and would agree that removing myself from the situation in its entirety would be the right thing to do. However, it is killing me that I will never see her again and unfortunately I get no comfort in believing that she would want me to do what’s right for me as she is unable to tell me this herself.
 
You have some hard choices to make, and my heart goes out to you. Please do what you feel you need to do, regardless of the outcome. Living with regrets is a hard thing to do. Supporting what ever you decide.
 
Is there anything that you could do to feel emotionally close to your grandmother even though you cannot be physically close to her? It might help to go through photographs, do something that you enjoyed doing together, or spend some time thinking about your favorite memories of your grandmother.
 
Does she have a nurse tending to her needs during this time? If so, could you contact the nurse to assist you with having some time with your grandmother when the rest of the family are not present? Give her your phone number and ask her to call you whenever possible so you can have some quiet time with your grandmother.

I think it is important that you just spend some time with her. Hold her hand in yours and simply be present. Talk to her about your grateful feelings and how much she has helped you, loved you and been there for you. And thank her. Communicating can happen on many levels. You don't need to hear her respond verbally.

The rest of the problem, being family, Will, assets etc., - Unless you jump straight to a lawyer for a Court order to prevent them looting - it is not manageable in your current emotional and mental state. So let it go. There will be an Executor for the Will. Your grandmother would have selected that person to oversee the proper conduct of her Will. Leave that with the executor to deal with.

I'd suggest you go and see your grandmother as often as you can.

I would find one family member who is not so abrasive and maintain contact with that person and block, disregard and ignore the rest. They all seem too much for you to handle right now so don't. :hug:

:hug:
 
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