Urge To Cut

[recoveringfromptsd]

I know you may not always feel strong, but I agree with @Lola Nocheprieta you are an inspiration !!

I don't feel that way, and I feel out of sorts when people say this. I am doing this because there is no other way, and I have no choice, because the other choice in my case is don't live. The fact is I hate all of it, it hurts, it's hard, and it's more than I can process sometimes. But I don't want to live like it has been for so long, so I am stuck with only one answer to that, and that's the process I am in. If I can't improve this with this treatment, I will probably end up committing suicide.

I don't think there is anything inspirational about wanting to die if I can't get better enough that it matters. I am doing what I have to because my alternative is very final. Trying to get better and going all in, is not final.

 

[Muted]

I'm sorry @recoveringfromptsd , I didn't intend for my words to cause you any discomfort. Does it feel like pressure when someone compliments you?

Sometimes I feel pressure when I receive a compliment, because it's like then I have to continue to live up to it.

I think it is very positive to do everything you can to get better. I believe you can get better.

I also believe there are many bumps along the way to getting better, even your therapist(s) or support people with all of the best of intentions, skills and desires to help you overcome this isn't going to be perfect or without mistake during this process.

My concern is if you place a deadline on this treatment and have this alternative in the back of your mind of choosing to end your own life if this specific treatment doesn't work, that there is a potential of sabatoging your own recovery or setting yourself up.

I think it's important for you to have choices in what is working and isn't working for you. I also think those things may change at different times throughout the course of your treatment based on what you need and there's nothing wrong with your need's changing.

People talk about self-care throughout the process of healing and it feels like your forcing yourself to white-knuckle through this process. But I also think that probably has been a powerful part that has enabled you to have the skills to survive what you have survived.

But, I also think it's ok for you to take medication once in a while if you need a break from the nightmares in order to get a good night's sleep so it can help you wake up refreshed. Good sleep is a basic need for our body, I know I have a hard time even thinking clearly the next day if I didn't sleep well the night before.

Sending you encouragement with no pressure @recoveringfromptsd .

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I'm sorry @recoveringfromptsd , I didn't intend for my words to cause you any discom...

No discomfort, I just don't deserve it, I am not doing as I am because I am strong, I am doing as I am because I have to. For me its get better or don't exist. I can't live life as it has been any longer, so I am all in on getting better. But this also means because it is clear to everyone that I don't want exist if I can get better, If I quit or do something that sabotages the process like cutting, they will pounce on me quickly because of how I feel about all this.

This is the view I had at the start of resuming therapy
This is the view I had going into Sheppard Pratt TDU, in fact if I had not got in, I would have fallen back on that view, in fact when the insurance got in the way, that's exactly what happened. And in fact the sheriff was called by my therapist. I ended up bypassing the insurance company approval process as my therapists boss convinced me to go to the ER and I was in baltimore. So they transferred me to SP from the ER.

Its not that I don't like compliments, I do, I am just bothered when they are for something that I am doing not because of being brave or strong, but for something I am doing because I have to because the alternative as it exists for me is to not exist at all.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

My concern is if you place a deadline on this treatment and have this alternative in the back of your mind of choosing to end your own life if this specific treatment doesn't work, that there is a potential of sabotaging your own recovery or setting yourself up.

I understand the concern, and I have actually thought about this, but I have no deadline, the only metric I am using us any progress, and I look at it this way, I am at a point I have never been before, 1000% progress from where I was a long time ago. So as long as no one abandons me in the process, creating a halt I am going to just keep working at it.

One thing is different from what many here might experience with the T, having been there too, its hard for anyone to talk about this stuff, more less talk about the details that shut you down and even sometimes make us unsafe. For me, I have gone all in, holding back only hurts me and delays the process, which is also why I am struggling so much, as I am completely out of my safe comfort zone. The payoff is good progress, even in this short time. And it seems everyone gives me homework now, DBT, my regular therapist, and the abuse therapist (the recent abuse therapist homework assignment my regular therapist reviewed my work, and added more too it. Nothing like the T's ganging up on me, but I appreciate it, because she was right, and the result is even better.

So as I say I am pleased, I did not expect this much this soon. But it is tiring.

As to the not existing, thats how I feel and have from the beginning, but it serves to motivate me, because I know what will happen if I quit because its too hard, or too much, or hurts, etc. and the fact is this is so hard I would never be able to do it any other way, So its actually better that I feel that way, because it has boxed me into to a corner that compels me to succeed, and not do half measures either.

So I am all in for succeeding
All in for doing whatever it takes
All in for enduring the pain it may bring
etc.

 

[Muted]

No discomfort, I just don't deserve it, I am not doing as I am because I am strong, I am doi...

In my opinion the choice alone is brave. Whatever part made the decision and placed you in the situation where you don't have that alternative as a possibility is a powerful part that's fighting to survive and heal and so intelligent as to create obstacles of immediate intervention should another part (a part that is likely holding much of the trauma) get triggered or activated.

 

[Renee123]

You are definitely not alone, I;ve known a lot of people that have gone through this. You say that you've been doing therapy work (great job with that huge step!) so maybe you should bring it up with the therapist if not already?

Something to keep in mind, the longer you go without doing it, the less the urges will come over time and the more accomplishment you feel. Easier said than done, I know, but please keep this in mind :) It sounds like you're doing really well with recovery!

 

[Muted]

I understand the concern, and I have actually thought about this, but I have no deadline, th...

It sounds like you are willing to do what you need to in order to get through this @recoveringfromptsd. Knowing your goal and what your working towards can be a powerful motivator in the recovery process. I think having the vision of the end result can make all the difference in the world.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Gia1019 You are right on the willing to do part. But its based on I can't live like i have and must get better. I have a long history of giving up when it got to hard, and I think most people with this would give up at least for a while, that's why this sticks with us so long. And despite therapy many of us still suffer greatly.

Right now I would give up in a heartbeat to avoid the pain if I could, but that is part of my problem. I excel at avoidance.

@Renee123 Actually I went 15 years without any self harm, but I did not have the triggers either. But once the ptsd came back full force, well so did the need to cut to get relief.

But I was able to resist it longer in the hospital than in the past.

So I guess your right in some ways, it's probably helping me now to resist cutting.

 

[Muted]

I can relate @recoveringfromptsd . It took me a couple decades to find a good fitting therapist and I was determined to plow through everything until now is hitting a road block with parts that refuse to cooperate under present circumstances. But we figured out it's a protective part that is aware of my work situation etc. so guess we plug away for now until things are different.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Gia1019 I can live with not being able to deal with some things, what I can't live with is how my abuse has so corrupted my core values and beliefs that nothing health exists, and my hypervigilance is based on it, some people startle, or freeze or some form hypervigilant reaction to perceived threats that may be mere everyday happenings, mine is more perverse, I literally cannot function if I don't have some control or hand in everything around me, unknowns drive me crazy for that reason and in fact have put me in hospital in the past. I plan to extremes to anticipate things that might go wrong around me, and it comes down to I can't trust anyone, literally. Its that bad. So I would be happy being able to change some of my core values to better ones, and learning to trust even if it's half trust. That part of me is destroying my future, as it has my past.

A good example my primary care doctor is leaving, and for me that began a mini crisis, because I don't know who I will get, and have no ability to have a hand in the process, or be able to make sure the other doc passes along what she knows about me to the new doc, and if I get a male doctor I will have a meltdown. It's the unknown "threat to me" that drives me nuts, and the lack of any ability to manipulate the process to make sure I come out ok. This goes back to being abused by EHS and being told to live with it by DSS, I had no one to count on to look out or protect me, so any situation that is an unknown is like what happened with EHS and DSS, I had to just live with the abuse, and hope for the best. So to me living with unknowns equates to the risk of living with abuse in my hypervigilance.

This one single form of hypervigilance along with avoidance reactions, has made for a life up to now that is not worth living. So I am doing what I can to change it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I can say the support everyone has given me has helped me a lot, this so hard I can't help but feel alone with it, this thread is my only connection that says "your not alone, we're here with you", this process is so hard, I don't know I can handle it in the end by myself, but I do know I have a better chance of succeeding with this support. And it helps me in other ways, it helps me check my thinking.

 

[Muted]

I can understand hypervigillance @recoveringfromptsd, but it came from my most recent traumas and I was debilitated for a long time because of it. I somehow learned to cope by blocking out everything and almost hyperfocusing. It's what I have to do to get through things.

It has changed my life completely. On one hand I feel like I'm more aware and pick up on things that others don't or even I didn't previously, but on the other hand I have to almost block it all out in order to cope with public situations.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be me again.

In your situation it sounds like you learned from a very young age that no one else would protect you from harm. Your trust was violated in the worst imaginable way. You learned to rely only on yourself to survive. I can imagine how incredibly hard that would be to trust others.