Urge To Cut

[recoveringfromptsd]

I'm sorry to hear the struggle has gotten worse @recoveringfromptsd . Do you think...

I think is from the abuse therapy I had, we got into a lot about the relationships of what was done to me, and how it changed me at the hypervigilance level. I think its because we covered several events.

Luckily after I got discharged from Sheppard Pratt TDU I took measures to put visual grounding aids in place to focus on as anchors to the present, I got one of those projecting nightlights from food lion, so in the dark (from dreams) I can use it as a grounding aid, I also have a clock that has a moving second hard I can focus on, as well as the sound of it moving each second.

 

[Muted]

I can be hyper-vigilant too. them all my parts go nuts, because it's overwhelming...

It sounds like you have excellent grounding skills.

Have you ever thought about or do you have a pet? I've been amazed at how that has helped me. Unfortunately, not at work but it does when I'm home.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Gia1019 Yes we have a cat. And she is very loving, and a diva.

I feel like I am starting to lose a grip, I have come close to impulsively cutting just to get the emotions over with. I am considering withdrawing from DBT because its just become another stressor.

As for grounding skills an experience in the hospital led me to put extra effort into grounding. It's part of my functioning now.

 

[Muted]

Hang in there @recoveringfromptsd...my heart goes out to you. I wish I could do something to help:cry:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Hang in there @recoveringfromptsd...my heart goes out to you. I wish I could do some...

You're actually doing it, if I felt alone with this I would have already given in to the urges.

Last night was the same as the previous night.

 

[Muted]

How are things @recoveringfromptsd ? I'm so glad it's Friday....it's been a hard week.

I'm glad you have a cat to help comfort you, I have a little dog and I love her so much!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Gia1019 Well I dread going to sleep tonight, don't want another night of repeating waking nightmares.

as for safety, besides using DBT skills, Luckily I spend most of my time in my room, and it is void of things that could be used, so I would have to make a decision effort to act on urges, so the distance gives me time to think better if I should reach a point where I can't hold back.

 

[Muted]

Nightmares are no fun @recoveringfromptsd ! Are they vivid? My dreams have been weird lately and vivid.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Gia1019 and the tend to run on for a while after I wake up, so I often can remember them. Only problem is a couple times I woke up disassociated and found myself clawing at my arms with my fingernails.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Gia1019 That was a problem in the hospital too, they ended up having me sleep with me wearing protection mittens.

 

[Muted]

That is heartbreaking @recoveringfromptsd ! I don't know who the monster was that ever hurt you so bad, but you are worth so much more. I am praying for you tonight that will will be surrounded by angels and have a peaceful night sleep.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

That is heartbreaking @recoveringfromptsd ! I don't know who the monster was that ev...

Not monsters, plural, I was under the care of a for profit group home organization, for 1.5 years I was physically, mentally, and sexually abused. afterwards my life became a constant series of suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I am only just beginning to understand how much they damaged me. I had to do a core values and beliefs list, it was almost entirely negative, and it all relates back too my time there.

They were eventually shutdown when Tammy agee who was under there care was murdered due to public outcry. There were slap on the wrist charges against its director, no body was really held accountable. What was worse was at the time there was a nationwide placement crisis, so DSS ignored the abuse, I was told by my social work to learn to live with it. So I literally had to do just that. I had no one I could complain to, and getting angry, or resisting just got me more abuse. An example of how this played out, I was raped by a staff member, and I have to just let it happen, as saying anything, resisting, etc. got me more abuse.