@Gia1019 I just realized I should probably explain why I say I boxed myself into a corner.
When I first went into therapy again prior to being triggered and the flashbacks returning, I made it clear to my therapist that I could no longer live with things as they are, which was a life of struggle, unfulfilling, and chaos. That I either wanted to change things or not exist at all. So right of the bat, if I give up, my therapist will likely call mobile crisis or the sheriff. She has done it before.
Everyone who works with me as clinicians knows this, and on top of it the abuse therapist I see would not see me before I went to SP TDU, due to safety, and if I get unsafe from her working with me now, it's possible and likely she won't work with me anymore due to safety concerns. And if that happens I am back to never getting better on the abuse issues and how they have so corrupted my thinking. And that puts me back to where I started, where if I can't overcome this I don't want to exist at all.
So if I give up and the would include acting on urges, I am essentially sabotaging my own chances, and thus I am back to where I started, which likely will lead to be committed due to my already stated position on life.
So when I say boxed in a corner, I am, I have no choice but to endure, and not give up or give in. It hurts like hell, and I would rather die than feel all this, but I am stuck with having to endure, as hard as it is.
Now there is another side of this, I tend to look at this or deal with this in a binary way, good or bad, safe or unsafe, etc. And my particular hypervigilance prevents me from allowing things outside of my comfort zone. So a lot of what I am doing now in therapy I could not do because it all falls outside of my comfort zone, so the only way I can do it is that I made it so I have no choice, and that puts me outside of my comfort zone, and that's scary, hard, and painful, I feel very vulnerable, and with all this I am having to draw on my DBT skills to maintain and not cut to relieve my pain. Distress Tolerance is what I am having to draw on, something I could not do until I was at SP and was forced to.
So to some degree its like a double edge sword, I could do this therapy without making it where I had no choice, I can't get better without hurting, and I can't engage in S/H to relieve the hurt without risking never getting better and possibly being committed before I got to S/I in response to that. So I am locked trying to cope and drawing on my own DBT skills as well as the support I have gotten from everyone on this forum. In one aspect, this is sort of something I have done before, in the past when I had S/I I would sabotage my opportunity to act on my S/I so I could not act on it without someone stopping me. The difference here is I have sabotaged my chances to revert back to old destructive behaviors which I am more comfortable with, and locked myself into moving forward regardless of how hard it is, as I have closed the door backwards and sealed it shut. There is only one path to take and its the hardest, but the rewards are that future life won't be the life that is not worth living that I have had so far.
