Urge To Cut

[recoveringfromptsd]

Not part of my team, but I do attend a peer run trauma group that is facilitated by someone with trauma who went and got her credentials, and she works on the mobile crisis team (also the same people that do petitions when needed for psych holds). From my pre SP crisis she is very familiar with my case.

I see my regular therapist in 5 days.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Okay, good. And you have this forum sort of round the clock, since everyone's on different time zones, lol!

You can do this, @recoveringfromptsd. You have a team of people who care about your well-being.

My T said to me today that the goal is for me to decrease self-punishment and increase self-compassion. I told her that was the f*cking story of my life, I've been beating myself up mentally and physically since I was about 5, my earliest memories. I've tried, my mother is a psychotherapist and she could tell I was very "hard" on myself as a teenager (she didn't know about the abuse and she didn't know about the self-harm until much, much later, and she still doesn't know details, I never want to talk about it with her, but that's a different story.) I've been in therapy before, individual, couples, a year and a half of an incest survivors support group. And here I am, after experiencing a "good life," no s/h, for over a decade, and I'm back to nightmares and FBs and dissociation and depression and self-harm. The s/h especially is like an addiction and I fell off the wagon. The mentally beating myself up, of self-loathing, has never taken a vacation.

She smiled at me and said, "Yeah, but you're hanging out with me now, and I'm tenacious." It made me feel really good, like she really cared and she has faith in our work together.

Again, you have your skills, and you have us, and you have your whole team behind you. You do not have to suffer in silence. We are all so proud of you for every day, hour, minute, second that you are not self-harming!

Sending you a self-activating hug that you can use whenever you need it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

This is going to be my first night of prazosin, let's hope it goes well, the list of possible side effects were scary, especially when the word "potentially fatal" is used. I am actually a little scared.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

after experiencing a "good life," no s/h, for over a decade, and I'm back to nightmares and FBs and dissociation and Depression and self-harm. The s/h especially is like an addiction and I fell off the wagon.

same here, between May 2002 and Dec 2015 I had no problems, no s/h, and not on medicine. June 30 2016 I had manic/depressive episode (manic and depressed con-current) and spend 5 days in hospital due to actively executing s/i plan. Spend 3 weeks in PHP, got triggered, boom Flashback, images, intrusive stuff back to back, intensity was unbearable, and made me suicidal. Got into Sheppard Pratt Trauma Disorders Unit end of september and spent 26 days there. Got skills there to manage flashbacks and such. Otherwise I would be in big trouble.

So it seems we have similar paths in our own way. And yes, S/H is addictive no like about it, s/h releases endorphins which is a feel good hormone, the more you do it the more your brain will say you need it.

I found this on the net

Self harm releases chemical defences in the body

When “attacked” the body goes into defence/self protection mode. There is a complex internal physical response to the injury. This response involves powerful chemicals produced by the body called endorphins. These work to enable the person to cope with their injury by giving a natural tranquilising effect to relieve the pain, thereby giving relief to both physical and emotional pain, and causing a calming effect on the person.
The endorphins also lift the mood, giving a high to enable the “fight or flight” response with a sense of “buzz” or energising effect. The high has been compared with that of certain illicit drugs and even sex.
As with other highs, once experienced there is a tendency to want to experience the effect again. This leads to the temptation to repeat the self harm when the internal emotional tension and pressure begin to build again.

Self harm is addictive

As can be seen, above, the release of endorphins can easily become addictive as the individual seeks to revisit the tranquilising effect and natural high they have achieved in the past. The sense of physical pain deflecting an emotional load is also powerfully addictive. A third type of dependency may arise from the emotional and caring responses of others to the person when they self harm.


OH and how so much cutting would make me feel better right now. Not doing it is as painful as the reason for doing it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I have one solid goal in my abuse therapy, and that is to change the one thing that runs and ultimately makes my life hell. And that is my situational hypervigilance. While I have triggers like others, I don't have the startle hypervigilance, my hypervigilance is one where unknowns that which I cannot influence or control drive me crazy to the point my behavior sometimes ends up sabotaging the very thing I want to control, often very destructively, I have even been hospitalized on just dealing with an unknown.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

same here, between May 2002 and Dec 2015 I had no problems, no s/h, and not on medicine. Jun...

Yes, i so get this about the endorphins! My T acknowledged that the alternatives to s/h will never feel as good as the s/h itself. But at least the alternatives don't come with all these other negative affects.

But exercise releases endorphins, too. When I recently did the TIPP skills, plunging my face into a sinkfull of ice water (lowering body temp), followed by squeezing ice cubes to the point of pain (my T is concerned with this as another form of s/h), but then especially following that with 30 minutes of vigorous exercise (raising my body temp) ... well, once my body temp cooled back down to normal, I felt a profound calm. I have to remember to do that more often.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing these days. Thinking of you, @recoveringfromptsd.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Lola Nocheprieta Actually, I don't know, fighting a battle right now with my primary care provider over her making unilateral choices for me without my participation or consent. I am having to make a rights complaint with there corporate office. Its stressful and BS I don't need. So I can not say how I will feel later.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I almost did it this afternoon, so many of my buttons were being pushed. My hypervigilance was in high gear. I shut down instead. Normally make dinner for us at 5:30, did not start until now 7:30. I sometimes had people and this world we live in.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Went for a drive to think, while driving at 50 mph I slammed on the brakes my anger was so high, soon after I had thoughts of driving head on to a semi that was coming the other way. But I would not do something like that, because it can hurt others. I am home now.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I'm "liking" your posts to show that I'm listening & I hear you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with a patients' rights violation, I certainly hope you can resolve it. The driving stuff sounds dangerous and scary. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. Try to stay strong, and take special care of yourself.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I have given serious thought to giving up, seems there is always some bullshit battle I have to fight. I kind wish to go to sleep and never wake up, but I could not be that lucky.