Day 1 - 7/3/13
Psychiatrist upped my anxiety meds yesterday. Told him about the therapist wanting me to join online PTSD group and attend ASCA meetings and the amount of stuff that's been dredged up as a result. Much higher anxiety. Increased dissociation at work. Feelings of being frozen.
Nightmares have come back, been waking up in cold sweats. Don't remember many of them. the one I do remember was the night before my first ASCA meeting on Monday. I was tied down and two people were slicing off big chunks of skin from my chest and thighs. Then some guy came over and forced me to eat spoonfuls of animal shit. Couldn't get that out of my head.
ASCA meeting was good. Heard another guy use the word 'frozen' - first time I've heard someone else use that word out loud to describe how they get. He also talked about self-sabotage at work, in much the same manner that I do. He doesn't know why he does that, either. But it helped knowing that someone else does pretty much the same thing / has the same reaction.
Told Christine about having meds upped. Told her about the anxiety getting worse and the nightmares. She's frustrated. Said that it seemed like I was getting worse, not better. Told her that Wayne told me in therapy that I should expect some heightened anxiety from finally coming to grips with my abuse. But I had no idea it would be like this.
Now the challenge is to actually get the prescription filled instead of leaving it in my car for a month and just not going. Another form of self-abuse, I suppose. Here it is the 4th of July, no money in at work, and I have $28 for the holiday. Wonderful. Supposed to start vacation. No money. Not sure if I'll be able to get some on Friday or not. This is only adding to my anxiety, that's for sure.
Have a lot to do at work today. Am probably starting this diary as a way to avoid having to face what I have to do. Will I get it done? If so, it'll be the first time in more than a week that I've actually done something substantial at work.
Psychiatrist upped my anxiety meds yesterday. Told him about the therapist wanting me to join online PTSD group and attend ASCA meetings and the amount of stuff that's been dredged up as a result. Much higher anxiety. Increased dissociation at work. Feelings of being frozen.
Nightmares have come back, been waking up in cold sweats. Don't remember many of them. the one I do remember was the night before my first ASCA meeting on Monday. I was tied down and two people were slicing off big chunks of skin from my chest and thighs. Then some guy came over and forced me to eat spoonfuls of animal shit. Couldn't get that out of my head.
ASCA meeting was good. Heard another guy use the word 'frozen' - first time I've heard someone else use that word out loud to describe how they get. He also talked about self-sabotage at work, in much the same manner that I do. He doesn't know why he does that, either. But it helped knowing that someone else does pretty much the same thing / has the same reaction.
Told Christine about having meds upped. Told her about the anxiety getting worse and the nightmares. She's frustrated. Said that it seemed like I was getting worse, not better. Told her that Wayne told me in therapy that I should expect some heightened anxiety from finally coming to grips with my abuse. But I had no idea it would be like this.
Now the challenge is to actually get the prescription filled instead of leaving it in my car for a month and just not going. Another form of self-abuse, I suppose. Here it is the 4th of July, no money in at work, and I have $28 for the holiday. Wonderful. Supposed to start vacation. No money. Not sure if I'll be able to get some on Friday or not. This is only adding to my anxiety, that's for sure.
Have a lot to do at work today. Am probably starting this diary as a way to avoid having to face what I have to do. Will I get it done? If so, it'll be the first time in more than a week that I've actually done something substantial at work.
