Childhood Vague memories surfacing.

[PDH]

I was abused by my uncle around the ages of 4-5 years old.
I've always had memories of one part of the abuse, but was able to shove it into the back of my mind and pretend that it was all good and that it didn't bother me...that worked great..until it didn't. My world kind of fell apart.
I started therapy about 18 months ago, and in that time I've had these other memories come up. They are just really vague flashes of images, but when they hit, its like theres a serrated knife ripping through my brain. I can't see anything actually "happen" in them, but its like theres something in me knows what took place in the blanks...but then I also second guess myself and worry that I'm just making stuff up, and these flashes of images aren't even real.

How the hell do you process something that is so vague, or even be sure its not just your crazy old head screwing with you?

 

[mumstheword]

I.wish I knew. I am in the same position only I was even younger. It's doing my head in a bit at the moment. I want an answer just as much as you. If I find out, I will let you know.

 

[PDH]

Its so hard hey.
I try to be rational about it. Why worry about something that I can't even be certain about.
But these tiny little fragments leave me feeling so crap.
So crap that I even have to be careful brushing my teeth, because if I gag, I get hit with one of them...but I didn't used to have that reaction.
Whats with that?

 

[mumstheword]

I've been getting pain in my vagina since mine started. Maybe it's some kind of somatic body memory thing?

 

[MyWillow]

I hear you. I barely remember my childhood. Not Christmas or Birthdays or holidays. Typical dysfunctional family but not terrible. But the dissociation, flashbacks, dreams and terror surely are not just part of an overactive imagination....are they?

Trying to accept what I do not and may never know and understand.

 

[PDH]

I've been getting pain in my vagina since mine started. Maybe it's some kind of somatic body memory...

I feel for you. I really do.
I've just started with a new T who does a lot of body centred work i.e. SE and Hakomi.
I've just got to work up the courage to talk about this with her, and although our therapeutic relationship is building really well, I'm just not there yet.

I hear you. I barely remember my childhood. Not Christmas or Birthdays or holidays. Typical dysfunctio...

I think thats the hardest part. Perhaps never knowing or understanding, but just having to accept.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@PDH you can’t/Don’t process things that you don’t know fully. You work on what you DO KNOW, and leave the rest until the memories fully form. Trying to force things won’t work either. Just let things come as they will, and deal with them then....

 

[PDH]

@PDH you can’t/Don’t process things that you don’t know fully. You work on w...

I guess the only thing I do know (and may ever know) for sure about these is how they make me feel.
Its just trying to figure out how to live with those feelings. .

 

[Deleted member 42984]

I do the same. Tell myself that things never happened, and I'm just making stuff up. But then again, I remind myself: WHY THE HELL WOULD I MAKE SOMETHING UP THAT CAUSES ME SO MUCH SUFFERING??

I can relate to your story in the sense that my memories are very vague, and I too was abused very early in life, at the age of 4.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @PDH... I think from my own experience memories come back to us when the brain thinks we can handle it. Now usually that happens in the wrong place, wrong time.. But you're right.. They are horrible, horrific snap shots or body sensations that we didn't want to be true.
I'm so sorry that happened to you... But you're in therapy.. And you're here.. One of the best places around to support you.

Time, alot of self love... And medication will help..hugs and take care.