Validation through Volunteering?

[whiteraven]

I am struggling in ways I neither understand nor can find the right words to talk about. Feedback, support, a listening ear--all appreciated. I am feeling very alone, forgotten, and invisible these days.

In 2020, after I left my (very toxic) job of 16 years, I took care of two very sick cats until they had both passed by the end of October. The rest of the year was spent sanitizing my place, finding community in a local UU church, and finally, adopting two more cats in December.

I have spent the better part of the last 3 years building a relationship with folks in 3 different communities as a very active volunteer: a rescue organization, the church I mentioned above, and another global nonprofit. I have volunteered all my life for a variety of organizations: the city where I grew up, American Red Cross, the local zoo, multiple clubs in school. I like to be involved with organizations that share my values and the more of a leadership role I can take (it feels super weird to say that, because I don't see myself as a leader at all), the better I like it.

I was leader in the pagan group at church, and I spent more than a year relaunching the group, reintroducing us to the congregation, giving sermons, having occasional events, and gathering ideas for things we could do. During this time, our minister resigned, making (valid) allegations against the congregation of institutional racism. There were several other issues, all of which demonstrated the people were unwilling to change. Serious problems were swept under the rug, and I eventually decided I just couldn't stay there anymore.

I did a lot of stuff for the rescue--photographs, fundraising, etc.--and kept busy throughout the year with all of that. Recently, I found out that the board has decided to euthanize a very young dog due to behavior issues, even though he has been in training and doing really well. I'm still working to get details, but this goes strongly against my values/ethics, and I am getting ready to leave the organization. I believe that continuing to support them (any organization, actually) amounts to support and acceptance of their decisions, and a responsibility for whatever they do.

The two above were things I very much enjoyed. The third is kind of...meh. I am chief editor for their newsletter, which I like to do, but the other parts of my work I mostly let slide. I have had ideas for combining my interest in animals with this work, but I just haven't done anything with it yet.

So, lots of changes, lots of loss, and all this on top of my sister's multiple brain surgeries, cancer diagnosis, and general lack of progress, which is affecting everyone in the family (esp. my mom, who I have only seen 3x for 5 min each in the last 3 months).

I think I'm feeling a HUGE sense of loss. It doesn't help that nobody seems to care that I left or am leaving these organizations. That lends itself to feeling forgotten and invisible.

I'm extremely anxious, restless, depressed, thinking again about suicide, not sure where to go from here. I have explored so many options in terms of volunteering, and I thought I had found the ones that would work for me. One thing I have been considering (actually, it just occurred to me as I was writing this) is to stop most of the volunteering at least for awhile and to instead spend some time working on all of the writing projects I have started. And maybe start doing more animal/nature writing. All of that requires research, and I may be able to plan small day trips to places I like to help with that.

I think maybe volunteering has always provided some sort of validation that I'm a "good" person? I don't know. And I'm not sure how to get that without over-involving myself in
things.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I feel some better just putting it out there.

 

[Teasel]

Glad writing about it brought up the idea to write more

 

[hypervigilant]

I agree that volunteering feeds the need to be useful, helpful, serving others and I feel in a similar position in a way.
I volunteer for a Hospice, what a great feeling but like you there were issues that went against my own values and I feel I should step back but I will miss that buzz of being helpful (people pleaser)
Maybe it's just a time for a change and a new perspective in healing and self care. I try to find the positive.

 

[Friday]

I think I'm feeling a HUGE sense of loss. It doesn't help that nobody seems to care that I left or am leaving these organizations. That lends itself to feeling forgotten and invisible.

Conversely?

Unless it’s an end-of-days-apocalypse or back-of-beyond-no-support-or-resources… there are MILLIONS of people…just. like. you. Who want the same things you want. Who do the same things you do. When one of “us” steps down from a role? One of “us” is there to step up. You CAN look at that as being unimportant or invisible. Or? That the things you want, and do, CONNECT you to all the others who will step into a role you leave, just as you joined a long line of others, as you stepped up.

There are very few “one and only” roles in life… and even those? Have a small circle of “others”. (Parents, children, mentors, loves).

Every other role, with billions of people on the planet? Is suffused with millions of others who are just. like. us. Who want what we want, and do what we do.

I think maybe volunteering has always provided some sort of validation that I'm a "good" person? I don't know. And I'm not sure how to get that without over-involving myself in
things.

If you were paid, a million dollars each, for the sick cats? Would that make you a bad person? It would not. Compensation, or lack there of, does not determine whether the act itself -or the person acting- is “good”.

To be a good person? Be you. Doing what you do. Paid, or unpaid. For others, or yourself. And? Do what you believe is right. Because that’s the only reliable definition of “good”.