Vent about dating: Where are the nice safe partners?! How do I find them?

[Justmehere]

I keep missing the mark. I have no grand delusions that a partner will improve my life overall (geez, how is that for a negative viewpoint.) Being in a romantic relationship adds positives and challenges. I want to be in one.

I can’t find anyone that wants to be with someone where I’m at in life except criminals and abusive jerks.

Online dating feels like all the horrible of mix of job nterviews, social media, and first dates in one intense package. I tend to get connected with brillant people... who also won’t accept no the first or second time to sexual things I don’t want to do or they are doing things like embezzling at work. Bright. Red. Flags. (And yes, they tell me they are doing this - people just weirdly spill their guts a lot with me in person.)

When I date, I tend to be very light and fun and I just want to go do stuff (everything from seeing a play to going fishing to taking a cooking class together) and get to know someone along the way. Most every guy comments that I’m fun and that most women they date online don’t want to really go out and do things.

I have a pattern of getting along very well and then red flags pop up and I’m done.

I want to date a friend who will be flawed but is generally honest and kind and relatively safe. They also should be from my same faith but no, Christian Mingle isn’t the answer. All the creepers flock to it thinking “Christian” will cover up the creeping.

Sometimes I think I’m too picky and then I find out I’m horribly not being picky enough. I get matched with super brillant successful guys... but I just want a nice guy who isn’t committing felonies on me or others. Is this too much to ask?!

Where and how do people find the partners that will be safe?

 

[frogthroat]

If you find out where they're hiding let me know.

 

[EveHarrington]

Where and how do people find the partners that will be safe?

I don’t know if there’s any one place to find safe guys. I think that safe guys will be mixed in with the unsafe guys, almost anywhere. If there was a “safe guy” place, the creepers and the liars and such would infiltrate it soon enough.

Most every guy comments that I’m fun

I get told this a lot, too.

My boyfriend will say all those other guys from my past wanted one thing, but I say no, they wanted two things, that and the fact I brought fun to their lives.

As soon as I wasn’t fun 24/7, as soon as they saw the real me, it was over. They were just there for the sex and fun.

and that most women they date online don’t want to really go out and do things.

This explains why men are so drawn to my fun side. I always suspected that the world was full of boring people. (Lol)

 

[grit]

Few things jump at me so I will keep my comments very short:
You have to be safe in order to attract safe people. If you are attracting too many weird thing, ask yourself what scent are you putting out?
Keep up your sense of humor and observation especially

Online dating feels like all the horrible of mix of job nterviews, social media, and first dates in one intense package. I

because it will become handy in any relationship.

It is most cliche but when you stop looking, you find each other. I used to hate this when I was single. Hated it but now know I know its wisdom.

 

[Friday]

Where are they? The last place you look. (Because why would you keep looking once you’ve found the person you want to be with?) Joking/NotJoking. :P

For true, it’s a good reminder in dating... that most of the people you date aren’t going to be the person you want to be with. Whether that’s a cheque please! thing you learn after 10 minutes, or 10 months.

I have no grand delusions that a partner will improve my life overall

Oh.... I am an infinitely better person when I have a partner in crime, and still miles better with virtually any warm body. :shifty: I’d rather not be, and I’ve seriously tried to be even half the person I am with others, but at best I’m a shadow of myself. I’m simply better with people, and stellar with a partner. I thought for awhile I just needed to learn how to be on my own. Well, either that’s totally not true or I have a flatline learning curve.

I can’t find anyone that wants to be with someone where I’m at in life except criminals and abusive jerks

This is a big part of why I don’t date when I’m a hot mess (not saying you are, I just know who’s attracted to me when I’m off the reservation, and it’s a totally different class of bloke than when I am seriously kicking ass at life), and I don’t need a scale I can tell my weight by which race is hitting on me the most :hilarious: ... but both those things aside?

Flip it around.

Don’t look for someone who wants to be with you. That’s a losing game.

(And now I’ve got the Jane’s Additiction song stuck it my head... Jane says she only knows when someone wants her... :singing: )

Look for someone you want, and that you want to add to your life.

 

[Rani G2]

When I date, I tend to be very light and fun and I just want to go do stuff (everything from seeing a play to going fishing to taking a cooking class together)

@Justmehere yep .. you Do sound fun. :)
I was a ( 2007 when I met my husband)) pretty lethargic person who was depressed and only liked reading and eating.

Sometimes I think I’m too picky and then

Met my Man through Internet dating. I'm very straightforward, and tell very directly what I like and dislike. I scan for demons and usually have an eye for it. Met 2007 and still going.
Humans aernt my favourite species, but I had luck with a partner.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I think it will be difficult for me to find a woman that understands and accepts the position I'm in and the way I act sometimes. I guess I'll cross that bridge when i approach the river. really seems impossible for me.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it will be difficult for me to find a woman that understands and accepts the position I'm in and the way I act sometimes.

You may be surprised! There are indeed patient people out there who will accept us as we are, where we are. The difficult part is in finding them.

 

[MrMoonlight]

you are probably right eve. I have really been surprised by people in general over the last 18 months, in really good ways, ways I thought impossible. I probably don't give people enough credit or open myself enough to the possibility.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm in the same boat. I live in a small town. Everybody knows everyone else's business. So, basically, everyone knows that I am mentally ill, both with PTSD and other mental illnesses too. I doubt there is a decent guy in this town that is not either hitched or is nasty or a criminal or an abuser. I have not found one yet, who is around my age, enjoys my company and is not interested in sex. I've lived here since 2010.

 

[Rugby02]

Yeah....it’s a numbers game.

I woke up to You Do You by Zayde Wølf. It inspires but then I’m headed out to the AT for 60 days solo with my service dog. I met a lot of interesting men in prep for this trek, just friend material for future adventures.

I prefer military and law enforcement so that narrows my shot group. I went on a date with a civilian and he thought it amazing that I knew how to handle a screwdriver. I wondered what he’d do if he saw me lubing my Humvee....sheesh! Still laughing about that one. Then my service dog blocked him when he tried to kiss me. Daaaaammmnnn!! Gotta trust the dog....

I know he’s out there somewhere and he’s going to find me doing my thing. Ok....cut back on the caffeine. Lol

 

[EveHarrington]

I went on a date with a civilian and he thought it amazing that I knew how to handle a screwdriver.

Yeah, a lot of guys are like this!

Lately I’ve been mansplained about tools I was selling (I did my research, I knew my stuff), I’ve been mansplained about cars (again, I knew my stuff, and had to correct the guy! Lol). Even my boyfriend was a condescending jerk when he couldn’t start the lawn mower but I could. Apparently some guys can’t handle it if you can’t stay on your side of the womanly/manly divide!