Venting - Over Relationships

[Ladyhope Somerset]

To me, not needing anything from anybody ever feels like a character strength, one that's hard to change. I think maybe to her it feels like I'm looking out from my bunker, unwilling to let her get past the perimeter.

The plan is for her to move to my town this spring and to get a house together. I will have to move off of my steel boat moored on a dock with a locked gate and move back into the world and try living with a lover again. I think this will be good for me if I can keep things in perspective. She is incredibly social, which I definitely am not. It's a wonder what she see's in me. I guess a good New Year resolution for me would be to pick one thing I have been afraid to say this week and just say it. God knows there are plenty of things that qualify. I'm so damned scared of driving her away.....

Hello Patrick, I think your new year resolution, to pick one thing..... and just say it, would be such a good thing to do. I've often found it difficult trying to talk to my husband so if you take the initiative with Gayle I'd be surprised if she didn't appreciate your effort & honesty. As a carer whose husband has not been at all forthcoming about how he feels, I've so often had to back off and then bury myself in reading articles and threads on the PTSD Forums.

It sounds like a huge change for you both to be moving in together in the spring so IMO you would be starting with an advantage if you are able to to be up front about both your needs. Not needing anything from anybody used to be my self preservation stance but in a caring relationship we can begin to let those barriers down a bit at a time.

 

[patrick]

I agree wholeheartedly Resilientgirl. One of the hardest things is when she tries to fix things for me when I'm having a hard time. Any suggestions of what I can say to her without driving her away completely? Or how I can learn to be more accepting of her care? From your experience is there a way to find some middle ground between caring support and overwhelming mothering? I'm 59 years old. I don't need a mom. She's 58 and wants me to be happy all the time.....

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

No easy answers, but as you know that already some quiet reassurance from you that 'happy all the time' isn't going to happen and trying too hard to make it happen will have the reverse effect. I think this is a big issue for some of us girls, we so much want to get it right, whatever it is! I had to rethink what I wanted, what would make me happy and my values were challenged as I developed a more relaxed and less demanding outlook (both of myself and my husband) . My therapist taught me that sometimes it's better to just do enough and this works for me on so many levels. (I'd made myself ill and had to learn the hard way.) Hope this helps, and by the way I just celebrated my 59th b/day this week, so maybe the aging process has something to do with it too :D.

And yes you're right, treating you like a child is not what you need. Even though it's something she's good at and to her it will be an expression of her love but she will have to learn that as important will be caring and understanding your needs which are altogether different. Hope this makes sense.

 

[patrick]

Makes a lot of sense. And as I sit here reading some of these posts I'm struck by my selfishness. It's all about how she needs to change to make me happy with nothing about how I can be more accepting of her needs and care. Sometimes I tell myself I have no damned business being in another relationship, that I'm a three time loser already, why am I taking the risk of hurting yet another beautiful, caring woman. But God, I am so addicted to love. The challenges and rewards keep life interesting.

I really appreciate your comments and support Rgirl, and you to Nicolette.

 

[sisu]

This post and its subsequent responses was one of the most raw, informative, amazing and just plain insightful posts I have read in a while for me as a carer. I know that you are/were probably humiliated Nicolette by Anthony's vent, but so many times I wish that I could get that insight - that window into their mind. And even though he vented and you were humilated, it did not mean the end - it was simply a vent. Thank you, thank you and thank you for sharing.

 

[Nicolette]

While I can appreciate the insight this gave you Elizabeth8, and I know it was a vent, I don't like being the "public crash test dummy" and being used as an example to my own detriment in front of the world. Put up with that my entire childhood and prefer to avoid it as an adult.

Insight is wonderful and helpful.......what it taught me is that in the midst of PTSD love, respect and perspective can go right out the door - no expense spared.

Dunno...still hurts reading this. Forgiven, understood but a scar I will carry. It also hurts to find it here rather than having being told about it. Especially as I now know the underlying catalyst wasn't me. Link Removed

Its great learning about PTSD and it's hard dealing with it at times but it can also hurt and this did. If a note was written to me or it was it a private forum which the entire www could not easily access or even if I had a pseudo name it would have been easier to stomach.

I refrain from saying much here anymore as I feel exposed in an undignified manner.

 

[Nicolette]

I should not have even read this. I am stressed out to the eyeballs with things going on and this has now made me feel sick.

I love my husband, he is a good man, I get it was PTSD talking but it still hurts. He says I have no idea and he is an angel compared to what he used to be like with his PTSD when unmanaged- he has even had a huge turn around since this incident and I am very proud of him. I just spent my entire childhood being knocked, pulled down, put down and blamed for things which weren't my fault so this is just like pulling the skin off the wound and sticking a knife back in for me. My issue which I have to work on.

 

[sisu]

*Hugs* to you Nicolette.

 

[willis williams]

Everyone that responds to this forum should leave this past stuff out it just causes problems for people involved. So if you are new to this site and come to ths forum start new and we will move forward. TEX

 

[Nicolette]

Sorry Willis but please explain? Who are you directing your comment to as I have been here as long as Carers were "allowed" but rarely post now. Are you talking to me? What do you mean by "leaving the past stuff out" please?

 

[willis williams]

You can call me Tex, Willis is my father and I never liked bein a jr. I was defending you! This is something everyone learned from I'm sure but there ain't no sense in putting a hot knife in an old wound. Once you said you didn't want your lawndry out there folks should of dropped it and let you and Anthony sort it out. Vets will defend vets and carers will defend carers. So I was hoping to start anew and let you come on and not always have to respond to that one tiff. Sorry I wasn't clear I'll try harder IF YOU ARE NOT PART OF ANTHONY'S AND NICOLETTE RELATIONSHIP THERE ARE SOMTHINGS BETTER LEFT ALONE. That wasn't for you Nicolette it was for folks that seem to wan't to learn to much. So lets change th topic of this forum. Nicolette how is your day going in Aussie land. I hope you are getten some nice sun shine with breeze. I ain't good at pickin things to talk about so the new topic is yours. Nicolette I think your a great gal and you handled yourself nicely in many forums. Anyone who can handle a vet with ptsd has got to be good through and through. I no I can throw some awful fits but I don't stop loving my honey.

 

[Nicolette]

From the bottom of my heart - thank you Tex. :)

The sun will shine a lot brighter for me today thanks to your comment. Link Removed